Common Unrealistic Expectations in a Relationship

Unrealistic expectation # 1: Your partner will save you

If it’s a good relationship, it will bring you more happiness. However, the key word is “more”. If you’re unhappy with where you are in your life, especially if you’re unhappy with yourself, a relationship will not be able to mend those things. Significant, foundational issues should be resolved before entering into a relationship. Dissatisfaction as a single person will most likely carry over even when in a relationship. A partner can serve as a distraction, but it’s only a temporary bandaid. 

Unrealistic expectation # 2: Your partner should be perfect 

In the beginning, it may seem like perfect does exist. When you start off a relationship thinking you’ve found someone that is a god or goddess, someone void of imperfections, you are setting yourself up for disappointment.  With time, you begin to realize that they do have weaknesses, because they are human. But after believing the opposite, even the small things can be a shock and cause you to blow them out of proportion. You’ll see their quirks are red flags. Small flaws will look like obstacles you can’t overcome. No one is perfect. Not even the Dalai Lama is perfect. 

Unrealistic expectation # 3: All you need is love

“All You Need Is Love” is a great song, but it’s also misleading when it comes to romantic relationships. Sorry, to burst anyone’s bubble. This isn’t to take away the power of love. But the truth is that it does take more than just love in order for a relationship to thrive. Ask any couple who’s happily been together for a while. They will probably tell you that they’ve had to put in a great deal of work. Movies and the like make it seem like it all comes easy. A lot goes on behind the scenes. One thing you can expect to have its ups and downs in your relationship. Love will help you get through those tough times. Love, as well as patience, commitment, communication, intimacy, and more. 

Unrealistic expectation # 4: Sex comes easily

Sex, good, and plenty is the dream of many. You may have fantasized about falling in love and how that equates with lots of sex at your fingertips. It may appear as though love comes with understanding someone sexually, but it’s just not that simple. Finding someone to share your life with is a matter of give and take. You won’t align perfectly in every way. This is often true when comes to your sexual preferences. Your libidos may not be the same. The best thing to do when you differ on something is to talk about it. Understand where the other person is coming from and seek a middle ground. While sex whenever, wherever might not be in the cards, you can have a satisfying sex life in a relationship (yes, even a long-term marriage). 

Unrealistic expectation # 5: You can change your partner

The expectation that you can change your partner is an especially dangerous one. The simple fact is that they are their own person and no amount of nudging from you will change who they are. If they want to change, then they will have to do it on their own terms. Problems can occur from the start if you and your partner disagree on fundamental things. For example, if on the 3rd date they declare they never want to have kids and you read that as something you could work on. The expectation of changing your partner can creep in later on in a relationship too. If 5 years into the marriage they become depressed, this expectation will have you believe it’s in your power to “cure them” or make them happy. Whether it’s religion, politics, interests, or mental health issues, trying to change your partner will only leave you exhausted and unsatisfied, not to mention the damage it will cause for your relationship. 

Unrealistic expectation # 6: Your relationship will remain the same

Relationships change because people change. Think about who you were 5 or 10 years ago. It’s not possible that you had the same likes and dislikes, hopes, dreams, and opinions.  Relationships, like people, are ever-evolving. They grow and mature. Relationships go through different phases. That honeymoon state, for example, is only temporary. Change is a natural part of any relationship. 

Unrealistic expectation # 7: They will know what you’re thinking and feeling 

Mind reading. It’s one of those magical powers we all wish he had, but no one does. We want to be seen and heard, especially by our partners. However, we have to communicate. If you have to convey your needs and wants it doesn’t mean your partner is out of touch. Communication is what allows you to avoid assumptions and get on the same page. 

Unrealistic expectation # 8: My partner should love and accept every part of me

You’ve probably heard that true love is unconditional. While that sounds beautiful, it’s just not true. We’re conditioned to believe that love means accepting every part of our partner, no matter what. But what if that part is harmful to themselves, to you, or to others? You should not accept every aspect or behavior of your partner just because you love them, especially if that part is unhealthy. Okaying bad behavior enables it and breeds toxicity. It’s important to have boundaries and consequences if they’re crossed.

What is the difference between standards and expectations in relationships?

Realistic expectations are simply the healthy standards that everyone should have in a relationship. These are the things that make up a good relationship.  They seem simple enough, but It can be hard to separate unhealthy (unrealistic) expectations from healthy standards

What are Reasonable Expectations in a Relationship?

1. Mutual trust

Trust is arguably the most crucial aspect of a healthy relationship. Trust precedes love. And what is a relationship without love? Trust helps you and your partner feel safe with one another and gives you the key to having a deeper connection. 

Trust allows us to feel comfortable with being our true, authentic selves. 

Lack of trust is one of the top reasons why relationships fail, according to a 2019 study. Without trust, you spend a lot of time worrying about your partners’ actions and the viability of your relationship. Without trust, we can’t fully let someone in or be genuinely intimate. Distrust can leave you fraught with anxiety and feeling very alone despite being in a relationship.  

Trust means we are choosing to be vulnerable and courageous. It opens us up to having a deeper connection. 

2. Affection and appreciation 

Affection can be a physical display or it can be expressed with words. Whether it’s regular kisses or reassuring words, your partner should be able to demonstrate their desire for you. It’s also reasonable for you to expect your partner to show their affection in the way that makes you feel best, and vice versa. This is why knowing your partner’s love language is so important. 

Relationship expert John Gottman’s research showed that building a culture of gratitude is an essential part of a healthy relationship. This means telling and showing your partner that you appreciate them. A simple “thank you” for the little things can be powerful. 

3. Respect

It’s healthy to assume a high level of respect from your partner. Respect is actively resisting criticism and contempt. It means respecting your partner’s differences and showing them compassion when it comes to their weaknesses. Respect in a relationship is also about setting boundaries and honoring those boundaries. 

4. Friendship

Good lovers are good friends. And a friendship sets a healthy foundation for love. Friendship is cultivated by expressing interest in one another, and enjoying who they are as a person. You should expect your partner to actively listen, ask questions, and want to understand your opinions. 

5. Kindness and generosity 

As a bare minimum, you should expect your partner to show you kindness. You should feel supported by your partner. They should be gentle and caring. The Gottman Method, a proven form of couples therapy, is centered on kindness and generosity. Kindness contributes to overall feelings of positivity, which increases our relationship satisfaction. And kindness inspires us to reciprocate and carry on that pattern. 

6. Regular and effective communication 

Communication is key to a lasting relationship. You need to be able to communicate with your partner in an open, honest, and safe way. You need to be able to talk to your partner about your feelings and have hard conversations. Respectful communication is critical in times of conflict.

7. Quality time

You and your partner should want to spend time together. It’s not always easy because life can fill up your calendar. But despite obligations and responsibilities, you should find the time to be together the two of you. It doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as the attention is on each other. Quality time is about prioritizing each other and your relationship.

Why Expectations in a Relationship Can Cause Problems

Holding unrealistic expectations in a relationship can be especially harmful because they keep you and your partner from seeing and enjoying the positive parts of your relationship.

Expectations are dangerous because an expectation is an idea that you should have something. Therefore, when that thing doesn’t come, we’re left feeling unsatisfied and disappointed. Entering a relationship with unrealistic expectations will not serve you or your partner well. And if they cannot be adjusted, unrealistic expectations will be the downfall of the relationship. 

Unrealistic expectations can keep you from entering a relationship in the first place because no one can fulfill the expectations you have. And if you don’t remain single, you’re likely to have a pattern of short-lived relationships that ended because of your expectations.

How to Manage Expectations in a Relationship:

1. Appreciate

Appreciation and expectations are nearly opposite in meaning. Appreciation is about being in the here and now and finding positives in the present. Expectations are about the future, what will be, and how we will feel at a later moment. Embrace positivity when it comes to your partner and your relationship. Stop looking for flaws. When you become fixated on something that aggravates you, shine a positive light and remember something that you appreciate.

2. Stop comparing

Your friends’ relationships, the ones on TV, and what we scroll through on social media, all of these cause us to compare. But when we look outward, we create expectations, consciously or unconsciously that are simply not attainable. When you feel as though your relationship falls short, ask yourself where this “standard” comes from. Who set it? Do you honestly want to abide by it, or are you subscribing to something that society forces on you?  

3. Recognize the difference between unrealistic and realistic expectations

Recognizing the difference between expectations that are realistic and unrealistic is the first step. Placing impossible expectations on a partner and a relationship robs us of long-term happiness and sets the stage for criticism and contempt. Remember that relationships are about balance. An equal partnership where each of you is your authentic self should be the goal. Refer to the realistic expectations if you need to, and think of those as basic needs. Try to let go of what you should have beyond that and focus on the present.