What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are guidelines for what is acceptable behavior to us as individuals. These behaviors vary based on our personal experiences. This is why listening is crucial when setting boundaries in marriage – one partner’s may be vastly different than the other’s. Having conversations about these differences can be scary if we struggle with asserting our needs or the potential of conflict. In a healthy dynamic, stepping into this fear improves relational health and increases our capacity for self-care.

Healthy boundaries fall into a different category than unhealthy boundaries, commonly known as rigid and porous boundaries. Rigid boundaries are an avoidance of close relationships. People who have rigid boundaries are not likely to ask for help and keep others at a distance. Porous boundaries are the opposite in that they result in overinvolvement. People who have porous boundaries find it hard to say no to requests and at times accept mistreatment or abuse.

When we have healthy boundaries, we value ourselves. We trust that we can form authentic connections without withdrawing or engaging in enmeshment. Our wants and needs are viewed as equally important compared to those around us, and we are able to hold space for these wants and needs in an appropriate way. Developing healthy boundaries aids us in fostering productive discussions around boundaries in marriage. It encourages our significant others to express themselves in a similar way.

If we, our partners, or both have trouble with healthy boundaries in marriage, help is available. Couples therapy is an excellent way to learn the underlying reasons blocking us from healthy boundaries. A trained couples therapist also acts as an outside third party that can help steer sessions in a collaborative direction. The Couples Center offers couples therapy with relationship experts who are invested in teaching the tools needed to align partners.

Ideas for Boundaries in Marriage

Boundaries in marriage are not one-size-fits-all. More vital than what the boundaries look like is that they function well for all involved in the relationship. This means creating a shared vision in regard to core values and partnership dynamics. For example, one marriage may thrive on respect for quality time together and displays of physical affection. A different marriage may thrive on consistent verbal affirmation and regular check-ins. Below are several healthy boundaries to start with when delineating what works:

We are accountable for how our own pasts impact the relationship.

Romantic relationships and marriages are arenas where issues from our pasts come up. We are sharing more of ourselves, and therefore more wounds are triggered. When we struggle with healthy boundaries around these wounds, our partners can begin to wear the face of a parent or caretaker rather than a confidant who is on our side.

Recognizing the impact of our past issues is a step toward accountability. This might look like sitting down together and discussing the triggers that come up in the relationship dynamic. It might also look like committing to individual therapy in order to become more present in the marriage. Agreeing on the lines between support from our significant others and asking them to heal what they did not create is a boundary that promotes sustainability and growth.

We take each other into consideration when making plans.

Spending regular time together and regular time apart keeps marriage connected, passionate, and exciting. Our time-related needs may not match up exactly with our partner’s. Even when this is true, making plans without taking one another into account can lead to mistrust and resentment. Establishing boundaries around communication about plans is a way to ensure everyone feels heard.

Respecting a “no” is another aspect of taking each other into consideration. Boundaries in marriage can require making difficult choices about plans involving our partner’s close others and family members. A healthy relationship stems from honoring their comfort level regardless of our level of consensus with their reasoning.

Even in conflict, we speak with respect.

Handling conflict in a healthy way signals a strong, lasting relationship. It is easy to engage in our defenses and fall into our old patterns when conflict arises. Being in this activated state of mind makes it more likely that we will speak disrespectfully to our partner. Because disrespect poses such a threat to connection, boundaries in marriage can entail establishing the need to speak with respect at all times. This includes before, during, and after moments of conflict.

Healthy boundaries affirm our commitment to behaving in an appropriate way despite the intensity of our emotions. Being respectful may also mean we agree to take a step back when we notice we are overwhelmed. Our nervous systems take about twenty to thirty minutes to regulate after being activated into fight-flight-freeze mode. 

Our boundaries are guidelines that can shift over time.

Having boundaries around how we treat our boundaries in marriage is useful for maintaining their health. Healthy boundaries are guidelines by which we conduct our relationship. With conversation, they can shift and change as we do. Treating our boundaries like hard and fast rules creates rifts instead of bringing us closer together as partners.

Scheduled check-ins about boundaries and relational norms are an effective way to foster ongoing communication. Setting time aside for a check-in pushes us to bring up what may be feeling difficult or uncomfortable. Greater understanding of one another’s current boundary needs is achieved when we set the intention of holding nonjudgmental, affirming space.

Important Boundaries to Set

It is important to consider the different categories of boundaries in marriage when making a plan to set and respect them. Boundaries can pertain to time, physical space, emotional space, material possessions, and sexual intimacy. Below are definitions and practices for implementing each of these.

Time Boundaries

Time boundaries have to do with how we organize and utilize our time. For example, we have different times of the day at which we work, relax, and socialize. We may feel exhausted or drained in our relationships when our time boundaries are being pushed.

In marriage, healthy time boundaries are set by being clear about each person’s quality time needs and external obligations. One way to devote time while respecting boundaries is to have a scheduled weekly date night. This allows partners to be present with one another while still having the space to give their all in other areas of life.

Physical space boundaries

Occupying the same physical space and engaging in physical touch is a regular part of most marriages. It is common to both crave sharing this with one another and to desire some physical time apart. Discussing expectations in this area is part of the healthy boundary setting process.

Deepening our understanding of how each person responds to physical touch can be a starting point. Does my partner feel comforted by physical touch or sometimes find it overwhelming? How can we better communicate that we are wanting or not wanting physical touch? Picking days or evenings where you choose to spend physical time apart can also help each person maintain their independence and feel positive anticipation in coming back together.

Emotional boundaries

Many of us have been shown relational models where there was too much emotional distance, enmeshed emotional connection, or poor treatment of emotions. Setting emotional boundaries is a way of breaking these patterns and improving relational health in the present. Several examples of emotional boundaries include not tolerating being shamed or put down, agreeing not to leave one partner alone at a party where they don’t know anyone, and not criticizing when something vulnerable is being shared.

Boundaries in marriage can be an opportunity to rewire our perception of partnership. Working together to build healthy emotional boundaries is a component of this. One way to start these conversations is to make a written list of the ideas both partners have about emotional boundaries. Identify which of these strengthen the relationship and which it would be beneficial to shift.

Material possession boundaries

Belongings, assets, and money present challenges in marriages where they are undiscussed. Assuming that our partner holds the same attitudes as we do in these areas can bring up feelings of confusion and disappointment. Setting healthy boundaries around when and how material possessions are shared reduces tension in the long-term.

Research shows that couples who have regular discussions around money and material possessions are more fulfilled. Adding boundaries into these discussions might look like agreeing on whether or not you will share a bank account or purchases will be managed. Talking about the emotions that come up for each person around material possessions is also helpful in defining boundaries that are sustainable.

Sexual intimacy boundaries

Sexual intimacy has the potential to fuel intrigue and passion in marriages. Valuing one another’s needs in regard to safety in sexual intimacy fosters trust. In order to have sexual intimacy that feels satisfying for all involved, healthy boundaries must be set.

Healthy boundaries in marriage as they pertain to sexual intimacy are formed through identifying what brings each person pleasure. Verbalizing how often sexual intimacy would ideally occur and what each partner likes and does not like in bed provides a baseline for fulfillment. Setting and respecting relational norms, such as if the marriage is monogamous or non-monogamous, is another boundary to be considered in this area.

Remember, healthy boundaries in marriage require continued conversation. Setting and respecting them is a process rather than a single event. Healthy boundaries aid us in loving our partners and ourselves better. When we keep that in mind, discussions around boundaries transform into opportunities for connection and a deepening of relationship with those we cherish most.

If you find yourself struggling with defining your boundaries, agreeing on boundaries, or having a conversation around this topic, seeking the support of a trained relationship expert can help. The therapists at The Couples Center have expertise that will guide you toward authentic, meaningful ways of setting and respecting healthy boundaries in your marriage.