Are you always waiting for affection or sex from your partner? Do you feel like you have to behave a certain way in order to get your needs met? Is care taken away if you are perceived to have done something wrong? If so, you may be dealing with someone who withholds intimacy as punishment.

Intimacy refers to any form of engagement that brings the relationship closer. Withholding in one or more of these areas is damaging to the trust and connection that exists within your bond. Withholding intimacy as punishment is also a form of emotional abuse. Noticing this as a pattern means it is time for exploration of power and control dynamics between you and your partner.

Why Do People Withhold Intimacy as Punishment?

It is important to note that withholding intimacy as punishment is different from experiencing a lack of intimacy for other reasons. It is possible for intimacy challenges to arise due to high stress levels, differing amounts of desire, individual mental health concerns, or past trauma. If you and your partner are struggling due to one of the above, our article on creating and building intimacy may help.

Withholding intimacy as punishment is a way of blocking authentic communication. A partner who engages in withholding is exerting control over your behavior without allowing room for your input. This might look like refusing to meet your needs for unknown reasons, only meeting your needs if you agree to act in certain ways, or intermittently meeting your needs in order to create confusion. Several reasons this happens include:

They do not have healthy relational skills

Withholding intimacy as punishment is never part of a healthy relationship. Key skills, such as empathetic listening and conflict resolution, were likely not learned by a partner who engages in withholding. Instead of feelings of safety and security, your partner may bring up feelings of isolation and shame when they engage in this dynamic.

They witnessed these behaviors early in life

Childhood trauma is a major underlying reason for unhealthy or abusive behavior in adult relationships. It is possible that your partner saw primary caregivers act in damaging ways toward one another. A continuation of this cycle occurs when the impact of witnessing these behaviors goes unaddressed.

They are struggling with their mental health

Your partner might be taking their inner challenges out on your relationship through withholding intimacy as punishment. Mental health struggles tend to show up in interactions with those closest to the person experiencing them. A trained therapist can provide an assessment if you would like to understand how mental health is impacting your situation.

No amount of insight makes withholding intimacy as punishment acceptable in your partnership. Gaining a sense of why your partner might be doing this does not excuse the behavior or the way it impacts you. Even if you have work to do on your own attunement in relationships, you deserve to be treated well and to disengage from cycles of abuse. Concerns for your safety are best discussed in individual therapy sessions or by seeking out domestic violence resources.

What Happens When Intimacy is Withheld as Punishment?

Withholding intimacy as punishment impacts both your partnership and your relationship with yourself. Common ways this occurs include:

You experience confusion

Your partner may have initiated intimacy often at previous points in your relationship. Dynamics of withholding intimacy as punishment typically appear over time rather than right away. It is natural to feel confused when your partner begins acting differently. You may be left wondering what you are doing wrong or how you can restore the love you once had.

Remember, the responsibility is not yours alone. Your partner has to be in a place to be open and honest in order to break the pattern of withholding. Attempting to end confusion by trying to change a partner who is not ready will likely lead to further pain.

Your self-esteem is lowered

Consistently receiving the message that you are causing your partner to withhold intimacy as punishment can cause you to doubt yourself. New insecurities, doubts, and fears often arise. You might find yourself withdrawing from other significant relationships due to guilt and shame around what is occurring in your relationship.

Regaining confidence in your sense of self is an important part of the healing process. This is true whether you ultimately decide to end the partnership or work through your issues. Investing in activities you enjoy, self-care, time with loved ones, and therapy sessions can help.

There is a lack of authentic relating

Intimacy results from being able to be fully yourself and fully connected at the same time. This is foundational in a relationship, and is one of the core beliefs held amongst clinicians at The Couples Center. When your partnership includes withholding intimacy as punishment, you lose the ability to uphold these principles as a pair.

The withholding of intimacy as punishment dictates how you behave. Instead of showing up as yourself, you show up as who you believe your partner wants in order to get your needs met. Authentic relating is blocked by the threat of having a crucial piece of the relationship taken away if you make the “wrong” move.

You Feel Stuck

Withholding intimacy as punishment perpetuates power and control dynamics within your relationship. When you are the one on the receiving end of withholding, you may feel helpless and stuck. You may wish your partner would come around to rebuilding a healthy relationship. You may wonder how long you can wait.

Intense and conflicting emotions are human in this situation. It is okay to be uncertain about what you want and how to move forward. Getting clear about your relationship, getting in touch with your core desires, and talking with a professional are good places to start. A few questions for facilitating reflection in these areas are outlined in the next section.

This is Happening in My Relationship. What are my Next Steps?

Every relationship is different. While there is not a one-size-fits-all answer for how to proceed when your partner is withholding intimacy as punishment, questions to ask yourself include:

• Am I able to recognize and accept that withholding intimacy as punishment is a form of emotional abuse?
• Is withholding intimacy as punishment the only abusive dynamic that is present in my relationship? What does the relationship look like as a whole?
• What do I hope the dynamics of this partnership will grow into? Does this seem possible?
• Does my partner display awareness of their actions? Do I feel safe addressing their actions with them? If I have tried to address their actions, what happened?
• Is my partner truly and sincerely open to receiving professional help? Am I?
• What would cause me to want to stay in this partnership? What would cause me to want to leave?
• What do I need to do in order to protect myself in this situation?

The answers to these will guide you toward the next steps that are right for you. Going over them in individual therapy sessions can assist you in clarifying what is best. Keep in mind that couples counseling will not stop abuse by a partner who is unwilling or unable to take accountability. A trained professional can work with you one-on-one to ensure your safety as you break old cycles and grow into healthy, loving relationships.