Types of Intimacy in a Relationship

Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is often one of the first types of intimacy to come to mind when picturing a relationship. It entails physical closeness with another person, such as holding hands or hugging. This type of intimacy can extend beyond partnership. You might additionally share physical intimacy with family members, friends, and trusted others.

There is a separation between physical intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is not necessary for physically intimate relationships to include sex. However, cultivating physical intimacy in a relationship with your romantic partner may help increase passion in your sex life.

Sexual Intimacy

Most partnerships include sexual intimacy. The way you and your partner engage in sexual intimacy is individual and is born form your needs and desires. Mutual fulfillment with this aspect of your relationship is an important part of overall wellbeing. Better sex is a pathway to deeper attachment, bonding, and sense of play!

Improving your sex life is about more than the act itself. There is a vulnerability that comes with expressing yourself during sexual intimacy. Feeling safe with your partner and building an environment that lends itself to communication is key. This ensures that sex stays consensual, pleasurable, and fun for all involved.

Emotional Intimacy

Hearing your partner’s feelings and sharing your own on a consistent basis can be challenging. It is common to have wounds from earlier in our lives that become barriers to openness. This might look like shutting down when you feel flooded or becoming critical of your partner when insecurities arise.

Working through these patterns is essential for building healthy emotional intimacy. Discussing, appreciating, and accepting each other’s emotional lives is part of what makes your relationship meaningful. If you are struggling to break cycles that keep you from achieving the intimacy you want, couples therapy can help.

Experiential Intimacy

Experiential intimacy is bonding through being in situations together. Growing experiential intimacy can be as simple as trying a new restaurant or as complex as grieving the loss of someone you were both close to. This is another type of intimacy in a relationship that is not limited to partners. You might also bond with friends and family over activities or life events.

Building experiential connection with your partner is important for learning how to work as a team. Knowing how one another operates lets you engage in a way that feels fluid and complementary. It also aids in solidifying the foundation of your relationship and making memories to reflect back on.

Intellectual Intimacy

Just as you learn how to share emotions, learning how to share thoughts and ideas is another area of intimacy in a relationship. You and your partner will likely not agree on everything. It is knowing you will be respected in your opinions that counts. Strong intellectual intimacy also has an element of curiosity and a want to gain knowledge alongside one another.

Taking a class together is one way to expand intellectual intimacy. If the class revolves around a topic such as learning a new language, you can come together to share your progress. Setting aside time to sit down and discuss current events or personal philosophies is another way to grow in this area.

Values-based Intimacy

Shared values are an element of compatibility. Values-based intimacy in a relationship looks like prioritizing specific needs, goals, or beliefs. For example, if you and your partner both value family, you might create a life where you live around and regularly visit with loved ones. If you both value one-on-one time, you might set aside time each day to simply be with each other.

Practicing a shared spirituality or religion also fits in here. Taking part in ceremonies or attending services can increase connection in a relationship. If you are not spiritual or religious, you are not excluded from this type of values-based intimacy. Spending time connecting with something greater than yourselves (i.e. nature) works just as well. 

Causes of Lack of Intimacy

Past Trauma

If you or your partner experienced trauma in childhood and/or in previous relationships, it may affect your ability to be intimate in the present. The residual effects of trauma can cause attachment issues and trouble with emotion regulation. Studies show that relationship anxiety, relationship depression, and feelings of shame are far more common amongst those who have experienced trauma.

Having strong, nourishing relationships after trauma is possible. Help is available for you and/or your partner in processing your pasts. Attending couples therapy can increase your ability to coregulate and tools to use when triggers are present. Attending individual therapy can give you space to process your own emotions and heal your nervous system. 

Chronic Stress

Modern life gets busy. Working a job, maintaining friendships, doing daily chores, and making time for loved ones can be overwhelming. You and your partner have likely both had times where you start to feel the cumulative effects of stress. Without taking time to slow down, rest, and reconnect, chronic stress symptoms can start to impact your intimacy.

The impact of chronic stress looks like increased irritability and decreased connection. You might start snapping at each other over small problems. You might be too burnt out to make space for affection. Adjusting your commitments when you notice these issues is vital to restoring all types of intimacy in a relationship.

Unaddressed Issues

Letting resentment build can be a major roadblock to intimacy in a relationship. Issues that fester over time can make you more closed off to your partner. For example, if you would like your partner to do more chores around your shared living space and don’t address this directly, your ability to engage in reciprocal connection may go down.

Having intentional time to bring up anything that is bothering you can alleviate resentment. You and your partner may benefit from having a “state of the union” meeting once a week. This is a conversation where you cover important topics (i.e. finances, events, duties and chores) with a commitment to hearing each other out and working through any tension.

Routine

In the beginning of your relationship, excitement and spontaneity may have come naturally. Each intimate experience was a first. It is common to start taking what was once novel for granted as your relationship progresses. Interactions become routine. You might forget to do the things that once made your partner feel special or forgo newness for what feels familiar.

The later stages of a relationship require conscious intimacy building. Think of this like playing sports – the assumption that you will be fit to play without physical exercise leads to poorer performance. Similarly, the assumption that you will always have intimacy without emotional exercise leads to weaker connection. Getting together to practice affection, break out of your comfort zone, and learn new things about one another can help.

How to Build and Increase Intimacy

Building and increasing intimacy in a relationship is possible at any stage. Couples who are newly dating can benefit from intimacy practices just as much as couples who have been together for years. Several suggestions for building and increasing intimacy in your relationship include:

Have a New Experience 

Travel to a different place, plan a unique date night, or experiment with an activity. Adding novelty to your relationship can help you relax and have fun in all areas of intimacy.

Engage in Deeper Conversations 

Think of questions you have never asked each other. The increase in emotional and intellectual intimacy that comes from deeper conversations will strengthen your bond.

Set Aside Technology 

Spending time staring at screens can negatively impact our in-person intimacy with our partners. Improve your connection by having hours where you are present without distraction.

Prioritize Affection

Meaningful touch helps build physical and sexual intimacy. Being conscious of incorporating small gestures, such as holding hands or having an arm on your partner’s shoulder, shows a desire to be close to your partner.

Appreciate One Another 

It can be easy to forget to verbalize appreciation. Telling each other how much your relationship means is a building block for a secure relationship where intimacy can flourish.

The most important part of adding more intimacy into a relationship is finding what works for you. It can be helpful to look at the above types of intimacy and ask yourself which ones you feel are missing or would like to further develop. It is okay to try out new methods and skills until you and your partner come across ones you enjoy. In fact, exploring possibilities together can increase intimacy in and of itself.

If you are seeking a more intensive dive into intimacy and intimacy practices, consider a couples retreat at The Couples Center. This experience will help you identify ongoing issues and patterns in your relationship that are barriers to intimacy. Trained professionals will then guide you toward breakthroughs that will last long after the session has ended.