What is Enmeshment?

Enmeshment is a type of unhealthy, co-dependent relationship. Enmeshment blurs or removes boundaries – both emotional and physical. 

Enmeshment can occur between romantic partners, parents, and children, siblings, or several family members together. No matter who it is with, these relationships always involve a blurring of boundaries. 

Enmeshment is a form of over-engagement. When you are over-engaged in something – whether it’s work or a hobby, other things in your life take a backseat. 

What are Enmeshed Romantic Relationships?

Enmeshed couples are so closely connected that the other person’s needs become their own. They feel they must fulfill the other person’s needs so badly that they lose touch with their own needs, goals, desires, and feelings. Often the mere thought of being without the other person can be anxiety-inducing. 

 If you’re in an enmeshed relationship, personal autonomy is usually lost. An enmeshed relationship deprives you of your sense of self, because your well-being, self-esteem, and emotional support are reduced to being a mirror image of your partner’s. The constant, sometimes obsessive concern for your partner’s feelings stops you from maintaining your unique identity and stunts your growth and development. 

The following are signs that you might be in an enmeshed relationship: 

1. Not having alone time and/or time spent socializing separately 

Is your partner your only socialization? If you do socialize with others, is your partner there too? 

2. Spending all your time with them (outside of work)

Do you go to most places together? Do you forgo getting things done (work, house chores, etc.) because you’re prioritizing being with your partner? 

3. Feeling anxious when not with them 

Are you not able to think about anything else when you’re away from your partner? Do you feel uneasy, lost, or afraid when without them? 

4. Constantly worrying that they will leave you or that the relationship will end 

Do you worry that if you don’t meet their needs well enough, they will leave you? Do you seek constant reassurance from them?

5. Staying in constant contact when apart 

When apart, do you maintain constant communication via phone or text? Are you not able to be present in the moment or give your attention to the people you are with because you are messaging with your partner?

6. Disregarding opinions and views outside of your partner’s 

Do you put your partner on a pedestal, believing that what they think and say is truth? Do you feel as though your opinions are invalid? 

7. Inability to make decisions without your partner

Do you struggle to choose between options or take action without the help of your partner? When you do decide, are you always second-guessing? 

8. Forgetting your own needs

Do your needs always come second? Is “self-care” a foreign term to you? 

9. Not acknowledging your emotions

Do you have a hard time connecting with your feelings? Do you suppress your emotions in order to avoid conflict or disagreement with your partner? Do you feel as though your feelings are less important? 

10. Not having a clear identity or sense of self outside of your partner 

Do you struggle to know who you are outside of your relationship? Are your likes and dislikes connected to your partner? Your hobbies and interests? 

11. Allowing your emotional state to depend on that of your partners

Are you unable to feel “up” when your loved one is feeling “down,”, and vice versa? 

12. Feeling responsible for your partner’s emotions and vice versa

Do you feel like you should rescue your partner from difficult emotions? Do you expect your partner to save you from your challenging emotions?

Keep in mind that these types of relationships do not all look the same. This is why some of the signs contradict one another. If you recognize some of these signs as being present in your own relationship it may be an indicator of enmeshment although it does not necessarily mean that’s so.

What to Do if You’re in an Enmeshed Relationship 

1. Recognize the problem

The first step is to realize that there is a serious lack of boundaries between you and your partner. After acknowledging this, you can work to turn the relationship into a healthier connection by establishing boundaries. 

2. Remember your needs

The biggest problem with enmeshed relationships is the dissolving of the independent self. Revisit what your wants, needs, and desires are. Know that they are as equally as important as those of your partner. 

3. Embrace your feelings 

You may not be used to allowing your feelings to be present in your relationship, especially if they are in contrast to your partner’s. Maybe you’re uncomfortable showing how you feel or even acknowledging their existence. Embrace your emotions by beginning to see them as a healthy part of who you are as an individual. Some people use journaling as a way to reach that part of themself. 

4. Decide what your boundaries are

You can think of boundaries as your limits. You can define them by taking the time to recognize what you are comfortable and uncomfortable with. After giving this thought on your own, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. 

5. Practice saying “no”

People who end up in codependent and enmeshed relationships can have a hard time saying “no”. This can be a difficult habit to break. Before saying “yes”, take the time to pause and consider whether the thing being asked serves you, and evaluate any consequences to your well-being.  Start small. Practice outside of your relationship first if that’s more doable, like in the workplace. 

6. Form meaningful friendships

It’s important to maintain healthy friendships. They can open us up to new dynamics and help us understand and appreciate different points of view.

7. Explore your interests

Rediscover who you are as a unique individual. Try different hobbies. Consider joining a club, group, or class in your area. 

Take The Next Step

It’s not easy to untangle yourself from your partner after being so intertwined. You can feel more comfortable this way, especially if it’s a long-term relationship or a pattern that’s spanned over multiple relationships. 

Some people have a hard time finding who they are as a separate entity. Things like time alone for self-discovery and self-reflection, as well as establishing hobbies and social activities. However, it can be overwhelming trying to break habits and leave our comfort zone. Therapy can help you cope. Couples therapy is a good option to help you and your partner set healthy boundaries together. But before that, you’ll need to identify and understand the behaviors and habits that led you to be in an enmeshed relationship. This is where individual therapy can make a difference. The Couples Center has experienced therapists ready to help you build the tools you need to have a healthy, happy relationship, More than that, your therapist can assist you in embracing your individual needs and finding your true self. This is the pathway to a happier life. 

As Brene Brown says, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.”