Common Fights
The following are topics that cause many couples to fight:
Finances
Whether it’s about spending it, saving it, investing it, or making it, money is a hot topic that causes arguments between couples. In fact, it’s the second leading cause of divorce.
Chores
With all of the household tasks to keep up with, someone always seems to be doing more. It’s hard to have an equal split of responsibilities. Problems arise if communication is not clear and expectations are different. One person’s level of cleanliness is different, for example. It seems there’s always something to do, and we’re tired and overwhelmed, which doesn’t help the situation.
Sex
Sex is not the most important part of a relationship, but if you and your partner are not on the same page, it can seem like it’s everything. Sex and intimacy are closely related. One person may be unsatisfied with the amount of sex, the quality of sex, or something in between.
Infidelity
An affair represents a major violation of trust. It’s only normal that it would be the cause of contention for some time. And if work isn’t done to rebuild what’s been broken, it’ll remain a recurring argument dividing you.
Kids
Children, especially when they are young can cause regular fights. The conflict is usually about parenting styles, division of labor, or discipline.
Family/friends
Relationships with other people can give you a reason to fight. Overbearing family members and time spent with friends can affect your connection and result in conflict.
Free time
We can get mad at our partners for how they choose to spend their free time. We can also direct anger at our partner if we feel like we don’t have enough of it. Perhaps we’re jealous that they have more.
Reasons Couples Fight
In all of the previously mentioned topics, there are shared themes. These are what you are really fighting about. These underlying themes are about the needs, vulnerabilities, and biases that get triggered over and over again You can think of your fight like an iceberg – the small part above the water, are the overt topics we fight about, but the big part below the water are the underlying issues.
Communication
In almost every situation of conflict between partners, it boils down to communication. Without adequate communication, any small thing can blow up to be a big fight.
Control
Power and control are common themes buried underneath the content of an argument. Sometimes we find it difficult to accept the differences between our partner and us. We may criticize or want to change something because we don’t understand their perspective. You may feel like your way of loading the dishwasher is best. Or that you know the right way to parent.
Connection
It might seem ironic, but arguments can arise when we want to feel closer to our partner. Known as the “pursuer-distancer dynamic”, this is when one partner is motivated by intimacy but in their efforts to get closer to their partner, they end up pushing them away.
Insecurities
Insecurities can show up in many different behaviors. Picking fights is one of them. Unresolved insecurities, or insecure attachments, often come with a fear of abandonment. Insecurities cause people to be defensive or jealous, unnecessarily.
Respect
No one likes to feel disrespected. It can be especially upsetting if we sense disrespect from our partner. Usually, the disrespect is only perceived. Many times the other person is completely unaware and their actions are not intentional. Not contributing to household chores could be a reason someone feels disrespected.
Unresolved feelings toward your partner
Maybe your partner really hurt you with something they said, or maybe they committed infidelity. In either case, big or small, you’ll need to deal with the pain. You may think you’re over it, but then you look for reasons to start a fight with your partner because you want closure. Even if the fight’s about something entirely different, you may bring up things from the past because those negative feelings are still there.
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How to Stop Fighting
Get to the root of it
The first step is acknowledging that things have gotten out of control. The second step is realizing that your fighting is not actually about the dishes or another surface topic. The third step is figuring out the real issue (or issues) that’s been causing the fights. Try to identify what your and your partner’s emotional triggers are. See if you can make the connection between your triggers and the proxy issue that caused your high emotions.
Create a new pattern
Instead of falling back into the same pattern, do little things differently. This will rewire your brain so that you’re not automatically following what you’ve been ingrained to do. Choosing different words, a different tone, or even changing the location of where you’re fighting can shake things up for the better.
Communicate how you really feel
So often we act as though trivial things are the reason we are upset. When our partner fails to help clean the kitchen, it’s not the dirty dishes that have us up in arms. Underneath, you might be feeling unsupported, disappointed, or undervalued. Remember that your partner cannot read your mind so it’s better to be more direct. Tell them how you feel when they do (or don’t do) X, Y, or Z. Your partner will respond better when you get vulnerable, and explain why it’s deeper than dirty dishes. Tell them why it’s not about them using their phone, for example. It’s about giving you attention.
Don’t respond with emotion
Your partner might say or do something that triggers you, and you’re quick to react with anger. Or you might automatically get defensive. Some people describe this as “seeing red” or “blacking out”. This happens when we act on emotion. This only exasperates the problem, and will probably have you regretting your behavior. Next time, take a moment and try a new approach. Question why your partner said or did whatever set you off. Where are they coming from? Do you believe they are trying to upset you? How is your partner feeling?
Challenge your critical inner voice
Sometimes our critical inner voice is louder than what’s really being said. So you may confuse your partner’s words with the negativity in your head. Your inner voice often works against you, filling your head with negative beliefs. Gain control over your inner voice. You can shut it down by first identifying what these nagging thoughts are saying. What are they focused on? After you recognize the part of you that’s being attacked, you can figure out where it’s coming from. What happened in your past that’s causing this? The last step is to respond rationally to the voice.
Get Help With Fighting in a Relationship
It’s not about the frequency of fights. It’s the way that you’re fighting that matters. Destructive fighting is when there’s blame, criticism, or contempt. This type of fighting causes you to become more and more disconnected from your partner. More constructive fighting is when you can resolve your differences after the fight and move on, often becoming even closer when you come back together.
Many couples find themselves in a cycle that’s difficult to break. When you know how to break that pattern you can talk about everything without a problem. It can require outside help to undo what’s been your go-to behavior for so long. Try one of our couples workshops, which will give you the tools to break free and achieve the relationship you desire.
Also, couples therapy can help you discover what’s causing you to be on separate teams. A therapist can teach you to communicate more effectively. Once applied, you’ll find that while fighting still occurs in your relationship, it’s a lot rarer and a lot more healthy.
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