Relationships evoke some of our deepest longings and needs, such as wanting to feel loved, wanting to feel appreciated, wanting to feel safe.

Nobody goes into a relationship looking for a fight. We want love, we want someone who values us, we want safety and a partner we can share with. We don’t want a fight.

Yet, fights are common with most couples. We’re human, after all, so frustration and the occasional miscommunication is unavoidable.

What is avoidable, however, are those recurring fights that drain our emotional energy and make us question why we are even in the relationship. Revisiting the same old fights with the same old outcomes of hurt, drama and emotional disconnection can be a cancer on our relationship.

Thankfully, we can stop these recurring fights by tackling the root cause of the problem. Couples who get stuck in the same fight over and over again is something I see all the time in my relationship coaching practice, but there’s a pretty easy solution: Focus on emotional triggers.

“A lot of couples say, ‘I just don’t know how to communicate RIGHT.’ They think it is about a structure. ‘If I just get the right structure of how to say things, the right words, then things will go well,’” Couples Center co-founder, Gal Szekely, noted during a recent episode of my relationship series, Talking Love.

“There are tools for communication out there, really great tools, but when it comes to a heated moment, couples don’t actually use them,” he said. “So we have to look a little deeper. The real cause of communication problems is not the way you talk, it is the emotional triggers that get evoked.”