In the beginning, it may have felt like hearts on fire, but now the flames are smoldering, and you’ve lost that flame. What happened? Is it normal? And can you get it back?

Understanding Relationship Burnout

Burnout happens when one or both partners feel depleted, disconnected, or overwhelmed by the relationship. Burnout in relationships can be caused by long-term conflict, unmet needs, or an imbalance in emotional labor. Burnout is fatigue. Where you once felt energized by your partner, you now feel exhausted. In some cases, individuals experiencing relationship burnout may dread spending time with their partner.

Relationship burnout is most often the result of feeling unappreciated and/or unsupported by one’s partner. Burnout doesn’t mean a loss of love. It’s a feeling that things are flat, maybe even stale. Without change, relationship burnout can lead to increased conflict, decreased connection, and a decline in intimacy. In other words, it can put you down a path that’s hard to recover from.

Signs and Symptoms of Relationship Burnout

Some people describe burnout as the realization that their marriage (or relationship) is not what they expected. Here’s what this can look like:

You’re Emotionally Exhausted

You feel drained after spending time with your partner.

You’re Irritable

You have less patience with your partner. Small issues can spark big arguments or lead to silent treatment.

You’re Withdrawing

You withdraw, stop communicating, or avoid time together.

You’re Disengaged

You’ve lost interest in physical intimacy. You don’t like participating in activities or shared hobbies with your partner.

You Feel Trapped

You feel stuck, rather than appreciative. You’re not happy, but also unmotivated to fix things.

You’re Bored

It feels like you’re just going through the motions: You stay with your partner not out of desire but because it’s easier, or you feel obligated.

You’re Not Thinking about the Future

There’s less planning or dreaming about the future with your partner. If you are planning, it feels more like a chore than something you’re excited about.

You’re Not Having Fun

Too many relationships exhaust themselves because there’s no fun in the relationship. The laughter is gone. You’ve lost those moments of silliness. The easiness you once felt has morphed into work.

You’re Resentful

Frustration has been building either from your needs not being met, feeling like you’re the one doing “the work”, or both.

Causes of Relationship Burnout

Complacency

Once the honeymoon phase is over, the relationship can become more routine. This is a normal progression for any relationship. Although we sometimes become too comfortable and end up taking our partner for granted. This is where complacency sets in and boundaries get blurred. Complacency in a relationship can lead to a diminished sense of connection and excitement. Complacency can hinder the growth of a relationship.

Too Much Conflict

Conflict in a relationship is inevitable, but to a degree. If it feels like all you’re doing is fighting, action is required. Constant fighting is a surefire way to turn a relationship toxic. We can only cope with so much stress before it begins to take a toll on both our physical and emotional health.

Poor Communication

A lack of open and honest communication can leave partners feeling unsupported and unsafe. Poor communication means less connection. Partners can feel isolated and alone. Poor communication can bolster negative communication patterns, such as passive-aggressive behavior, stonewalling, or yelling, which further strain the relationship and exacerbate burnout.

Emotional Labor Imbalance

If one partner feels like they’re putting in significantly more effort than the other, feelings of neglect and/or resentment can grow. If the unbalanced energy persists for an extended period, the negative feelings that develop can lead to a lack of motivation to work on the relationship. The one person who is “holding the relationship” may eventually decide they don’t want to stay.

Life Stressors

Work, parenting, finances – these things are not sexy. While normal, these are things that can strain a relationship. Obligations like work can make you more stressed and tired, and thus less likely to connect with your partner in meaningful ways.

Mismatched Needs or Values

Differences in long-term goals pertaining to children, careers, or lifestyle, can mean you’re operating on different pages. That can feel lonely, in addition to preventing your relaitonship from progressing.

Impact of Relationship Burnout

• Less Interested in Sex: Burnout increases stress hormones like cortisol which can lower your libido.
• Unmotivated to Connect: When you’re experiencing relationship burnout you’re less likely to open up to your partner. It feels like sharing your thoughts and feelings is pointless because they won’t appreciate or understand.
• Increased Conflict: You may have less patience with your partner so you become irritated easier, even over small things.
• Withdrawal: Being together can feel empty or tense so one or both of you withdraw, increases the divide even more.

Preventing Relationship Burnout

Relationship burnout, like any type of burnout, doesn’t happen overnight. You don’t feel work burnout from day one. The same is true for relationship burnout. It is a gradual buildup that you may not realize until it’s been present for a while. But burnout doesn’t have to be the new normal. You can overcome relationship burnout with intentional strategies that can improve your relationship and make you feel better.

Be Teammates

It’s easy to blame the other person for the problems you’re experiencing. Maybe you blame yourself. But the blame game isn’t helpful because it means you’re working independently instead of as a team. You should both take some responsibility and work together to find solutions.

Maintain Healthy Boundaries

Set and respect boundaries in your relationship. Talk about what you need for personal space and listen to your partner’s needs and expectations.

Keep Things Interesting

Don’t let the relationship fall into “autopilot.” It’s possible to have routine in your relationship without boredom. Plan events and new experiences to try together.

Make Time for Quality Time

Prioritize regular one-on-one time together. Whether it’s a weekly date out of the house or a time for emotional check-ins, schedule it out.

Take Care of Yourself

Your relationship with yourself impacts the one with your partner. Nurture your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

Overcoming Relationship Burnout

Burnout in a relationship doesn’t have to mean the end. However, burnout is a call for serious change.

Prioritize Communication

Be open and honest with each other. Don’t allow feelings to stay bottled up. An open line of communication is a surefire way to have a strong connection and keep the passion alive. If you’re feeling burned out, let them know. Have an honest (but non-blaming) talk about how you’re feeling. Share that you’re tired of ___ in the relationship.

Find the Root Cause(s)

Find out the source of the burnout so you can address it more effectively. Is it something external or is it the solely relationship that’s the source of exhaustion? Explore reasons with your partner. Ask questions like, “Are we disconnected?” “Is one person putting in more effort?”

Stay Romantic

Remember the romantic gestures at the beginning of your relationship? There’s no reason why they should be a thing of the past. What’s considered romantic to one person is likely different from what’s considered romantic to the next. What you do depends on what speaks most to their heart. You’ll need to know their primary love language. Talk about it! Do words of affection mean the most to them, or is it physical touch that lights them up inside? Whether you surprise them with a gift or you give them the gift of time, make sure you’re doing what they want and not what you prefer. Don’t worry if your love languages are not the same.

Re-Evaluate Needs and Expectations

Relationships are ever-evolving, and they require flexibility. What used to work well may no longer be effective. People change, and with that, their needs, wants, and desires. You’ll need to have regular conversations about expectations. Are your previous goals for your relationship still realistic, mutual, and healthy? Check in with your partner on a regular basis to determine whether or not you’re on the same page.

Appreciate Each Other

The opposite of taking someone for granted is showing gratitude and appreciation. Be more mindful of the things your partner does. Acknowledge the little things they do. Instead of just thanking them, tell your partner you see their efforts and let them know why you appreciate their behavior. Write a letter, give them a list of things you appreciate, and don’t forget the “why”. Small acts of love can go a long way and contribute to rebuilding emotional intimacy.

Maintain Persoanl Interests

Don’t look to your relationship as your everything – your one means for fulfillment. Keep engaging in your individual goals and passions. This allows you to have fulfilling experiences outside of the relationship. In addition to your own hobbies and activities, maintain friendships outside of the relationship.

Create Space

Sometimes, a short period of intentional distance can bring clarity as well as energy. Too much time together can cause you to lose some of your own identity. Alone time can help you reflect on what you want and need.

Decide Intentionally

Should you stay or go? Stay in the relationship because you want to, not just because you’ve always been together or you feel obligated to. Reflect on what you are getting from the relationship. Does it serve you well or is it causing your harm? To properly assess you’ll want to consider your individual values and needs.

Seeking Professional Help

After you’ve recognized burnout in your relationship, therapy can be a productive next step. If you seek couples therapy, you are demonstrating an investment in your relationship, as well as a commitment to change. The change will not happen instantly, but a therapist can get you on an effective path. A couples therapist can evaluate the unique stressors and identify triggers. A therapist can offer guidance and encourage healthy communication. In addition, a therapist can help partners identify signs of mental health struggles like depression or anxiety, which can contribute to burnout, and assess whether individual therapy would benefit you.