Questions to Ask yourself:
To help clarify your thoughts on where you are in your relationship, here are a few questions that you and your partner can ask yourselves:
1. What are the main challenges that we face in the relationship? What’s missing in the relationship? The more specific you can be about this, the easier it will be to work on those things with your partner.
2. If there’s a way to overcome these obstacles, do I want to pursue it? How motivated am I to work on this relationship and how motivated is my partner? If you could overcome these obstacles – would you feel happy and content in your relationship, or would you still feel like you don’t know if it’s worth it? Try make it clear rate your motivation on a 1-10 scale.
3. Is the pattern that I have with my partner familiar to me? Is it possible that I’m repeating something that I have encountered or may encounter in other relationships? For example, if my partner complains that I am critical of them, and I heard that feedback already in the past then it would probably be better to first work on this pattern instead of moving on to another relationship that might bring out the same issues.
4. What can I change to make this a better relationship? Am I willing to do that? Of course, both partners need to work on the relationship in order to make it better. That being said, sometimes when one partner is very committed to making that change, it can influence the other partner towards being more committed to making changes also.
5. In good moments between us, how much love and affection do I feel towards my partner? All couples go through tough moments and good moments. In your good moments do you feel close to your partner and in love, or do you feel distant like you don’t care that much? in other words how much “glue” does your relationship have? Again, you can try and rate it on a 1-10 scale.
6. What is the cost of me leaving? If you and your partner are married, if you have children together, if you have been in relationship a long time – all of these are factors when you are considering whether you want to continue investing time and effort in the relationship.
When we are under stress and feeling challenged by our relationship, it can be difficult to answer these questions. A couples counselor or taking an online course can assist both of you in getting a clearer picture of what is happening in your relationship so that you can determine the best course of action. Another option is to come for individual counseling so you would have your own space to reflect on these questions and issues.