Maybe there’s been an elephant in the room with you and your partner. You realize it needs to be brought up for the good of your relationship. But when you do, you’re met with… nothing.
When trying to talk to your partner about something, do they choose not to participate? Does it sometimes feel like you’re talking to a wall, especially when you try to address something more sensitive? Your partner might be stonewalling.
Appropriately named, stonewalling is when someone shuts down and refuses to interact with the other person. Stonewalling is characterized by silence, lack of eye contact, and disinterested gestures such as eye-rolling or shrugs. They may pretend they are busy or become preoccupied with their phone. Stonewallers come up with endless excuses to avoid the conversation. Someone stonewalling may simply walk away from the person trying to engage them. Essentially the person stonewalling builds a wall that separates them from the other person.
The stonewalling could be to dodge a conversation or it could be the result of an argument you previously had. Whatever the reason, your partner is avoiding dealing with uncomfortable feelings.
The reasons why someone would stonewall can vary. However, usually stonewalling is unintentional. Stonewalling is a type of coping mechanism or lack thereof. It can occur as a physiological defensive response to a sense of feeling overwhelmed. It is rooted in a fear of uncomfortable emotions due to a lack of effective coping skills. The person might be trying to escape conflict or a topic (e.g. sex) so they ignore the feeling and their partner. It’s an attempt to soothe anger and calm escalation. It can also be a learned response that they’ve modeled after the behavior they saw growing up with their parents.
They may stonewall simply because they don’t want to fight so they’re trying to prevent escalation. In this case, the behavior is not meant to be hurtful. The person stonewalling may think avoiding conflict is the best option, but stonewalling is never productive.
In extreme cases, stonewalling is used to manipulate a situation, gain control or inflict punishment. When stonewalling is done with intention it becomes a form of emotional abuse. It’s like giving the silent treatment but in a much more severe way.
You and your partner haven’t had sex in a while. You finally bring it up to your partner and they respond by shrugging their shoulders. You continue your attempts to engage them. You ask open-ended questions but the only thing they offer is “I don’t know”. They leave the room.
Someone who is stonewalling may do the following:
Even if the stonewalling is unintentional it doesn’t make it any less hurtful to the recipient. Research has proven stonewalling is destructive to communication.
The person being stonewalled might feel confused and frustrated. Those feelings can turn into anger. Over time the stonewalling behavior can wear away their self-esteem. They can start feeling isolated. Ultimately it can lead to feelings of hopelessness which results in them not trying anymore.
The person stonewalling is negatively affected as well. Their pulling away might be intended to stay on safe ground with their partner (refusal to enter an uncomfortable conversation) but it ends up making matters worse. The stonewaller inadvertently denies themself emotional intimacy with their partner. They might also feel guilty for causing more distress to the relationship. The connection is further damaged and the divide between partners widens.
In addition to the emotional effects, stonewalling can negatively affect both partners physically. A 2016 study found that stonewalling was associated with acute musculoskeletal symptoms such as backaches, neck stiffness, and generalized muscle aches.
Stonewalling and gaslighting are similarly detrimental to a relationship. Both can be used as defense mechanisms. And they both can be used to manipulate as a form of emotional abuse. Stonewalling can make you feel belittled because you’re being ignored. On the other hand, gaslighting can make you feel crazy by trying to make it seem like you’ve lost touch with reality.
Stonewalling can feel defeating. You could just take the unsubtle hint and drop it. But shouting “I give up” is unlikely to move your relationship in a forward direction.
Rather than start out with complaints, explain your positive intention. Let them know how important the conversation is. Say, “I’d like to talk about X because I want to feel closer to you”.“I’m sure you have your feelings and perspectives on it and I want to know them.”
Try to approach your partner gently. Avoid trigger words that could cause them to want to back off or shut down. Start off softly and you’re much more likely to end that way as well.
Similar to the words you choose, an aggressive stance, tone, or facial expression is just as likely to worsen the situation. Avoid yelling, pointing, or exhibiting a tense posture.
Before jumping into a topic with your partner, especially a sensitive one, take time to decompress. It’s never a good idea to enter the conversation already worked up. Plan out what you want to say so that it comes across the way you intended it to, and not what pops into your emotional brain in the heat of the moment.
Give them time. Changing a behavior, especially one that might be ingrained doesn’t happen overnight. Try to remember that this is difficult for them. And it’s not that they don’t care. There’s a good chance they’re scared of what the talk will lead to. They probably don’t have the proper tools to navigate a sensitive topic, but they can learn how to cope.
Avoid assumptions and refrain from jumping to conclusions. Instead, ask neutral questions that can provide you with more insight. For example: “Can you help me understand your point of view?”
Despite making changes and offering patience and a gentle demeanor, you might not be able to break down their wall. Sometimes it takes someone outside the relationship to get back on the path towards each other. Meeting with a couples counselor can help both of you so you can uncover and treat the reasons why they are stonewalling in the relationship. They’ll also direct you in the best way to deal with your partner’s stonewalling.
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