Signs of a Dying Marriage
The ability to recognize the signs of a dying marriage is key, as it could be the difference between staying together or divorcing.
Common Signs:
There’s a lack of effort
People sometimes confuse love and effort. While love is important to have, it’s a lack of effort that can end a marriage. A marriage requires regular nourishment for it to survive. Like gardening, you’ll have to do more than just plant the seed.
A lack of effort means no intentionality. That’s how things fall by the wayside and your relationship and your partner become second, third, or even last.
What a lack of effort looks like:
- You aren’t being physical
Sex requires effort by both people, and that effort needs to multiply in a marriage when there’s a variety of tangible and intangible factors to deal with. But it’s not just about sex. The problem lies with a decrease from whatever the normal amount of affection was. This behavior change is relative to what the couple’s patterns have been in the past.
- You aren’t spending time together
Similar to sex, quality time together requires active coordination. Most of us have busy lives. And if spending one-on-one time with your partner is not important to you, it simply won’t happen. People who believe in their marriage will find the time to devote to their partner no matter how many other things are pulling at them.
- You don’t try to reach an understanding
Maybe it’s because historically trying to “talk about it” leads to conflict, or you don’t feel understood when you try. Whatever the reason, your relationship will not survive without communication.
“Don’t go to bed angry.” While this piece of marriage advice might seem cliche, there is truth to it. Not trying to resolve issues with your partner, is troubling because you’re allowing the issue to grow into something worse. When in conflict, you should at least try to see it from their perspective because that’s a sign of empathy and attunement.
No fighting means everything’s great, right? Unfortunately, this couldn’t be further from the truth. The happiest couples in the world still have conflict. Conflict means that you care. If you’re not at all getting frazzled, it can mean that you’ve checked out or that you don’t think you’re partner is worth the energy to get upset over.
Think about the most recent interactions with your partner. Were they positive or negative? Negative words, attitudes, and interactions can be extremely detrimental to the integrity of a relationship. Negativity can slowly poison the marriage until it dies. Relationship expert John Gottman coined the Magic 5:1 Ratio, which says that healthy marriages require 5 (or more) positive interactions for every negative interaction. A negative interaction is anything that’s unloving.
A critical remark here, a deflected kiss there, these add up and set an overall unhealthy tone. The problem with little acts of negativity is that they can lead to what’s known as “negativity bias”. This is the ability to recall only the negative things, despite there being positives. The negative memories hold more weight and can consume our memory, essentially erasing the good times together and/or the good qualities we used to see in our partner. This is why allowing negativity a place in your relationship is so dangerous.
- You’ve lost interest in them
Are you no longer interested in learning about their day, or their opinion? Maintaining a friendship with your spouse is one of the best things you can do for your relationship, according to relationship expert, John Gottman. Deep friendship is the foundation for Gottman’s Sound Relationship House Theory.
- There’s a greater investment in other things or other people
Have you or your partner been devoting a significant amount of time to a new hobby or a friend? This can be a sign of lost interest in the relationship. If one partner feels ignored or unfulfilled, they may turn to something more rewarding and satisfying. It can be a way to supplement what’s missing in the relationship.
Respect is one of the building blocks of relationships. Respect needed to be present for true love to exist. But if you’ve noticed respect has waned or is gone altogether, this is a red flag. Do you take their feelings into consideration before you say or do something? Think about how you treat your partner in the presence of other people. Do you notice you treat them better than you would if it were just the two of you? Reflect on how you treat other people in comparison to your partner. Do you have kind words for everyone else, but can’t find a positive thing to say to your partner?
- There has been infidelity
Infidelity does not have to mean the end, but a betrayal as serious as an affair has the power to bury a marriage. Affairs can be a sign that the relationship was flawed already or that the individual has unresolved personal issues. Whichever one is to blame would need to be sorted out and dealt with directly.
- There’s a pattern of broken promises
Maybe your marriage is free from infidelity, but you don’t feel like you can rely on your partner. Do they make promises without following through? Sometimes it’s the little things like showing up when they say they will. Smaller instances where they don’t show up for you can lead to a lack of overall trust in the other person.
The Stages of a Dying Marriage
A declining marriage can unfold predictably, in four stages.
Disillusionment
First, you begin to notice that things are not as they seemed. This awareness can lead to an unraveling of the relationship. With disillusionment, you begin to question things that you once felt secure about. You begin to focus on the imperfections of your partner. Their quirks and habits now annoy you. “Where did the love go?”, you wonder. “Where is the excitement I used to feel in this relationship?”
Misery
During this next stage, things begin to snowball. After acknowledging your discontent, it tends to grow. You may start to act out towards your partner, directly or otherwise because you blame them for your unhappiness.
Detachment
Things aren’t getting better. So jump into things that will distract you from your unhappiness. You occupy your time with activities, work, or exercise, all separate from your partner. This when some people enter an affair.
Clairty
This “aha moment” can be big or small. Perhaps it’s something their partner says, or it’s simply the last time they can put up with that behavior. It’s the final straw that causes one partner to call it quits. For some, that means filing for divorce. But it could also mean commiting to being emotionally divorced.
In addition, there are four behaviors, known as The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse that can mean your marriage is in trouble.
Can The Marriage Be Saved?
If you’ve seen the signs that tell you your marriage is in trouble, the next thing you can do is consider how long the signs have been present. You will also need to think about whether these things have occurred simultaneously with an event or situation that’s particularly stressful. Is your partner’s behavior (or your own) stemming from a major stressor related to work, a family member, a health concern, etc.? If this is the case, you may have been seeing a new side of your partner.
However, if there’s nothing big you can point to, it’s an indicator your relationship is in trouble. You’ll need to talk to your partner about your observations and feelings, allowing your partner space to share their feelings about it. While recognition is the first step, the next and most important step is working toward change. This requires both people to be on board
Most marriages can be revived as long as both people are willing to put in the effort.
In addition to having two active participants who are ready to do the work, the following is needed to bring the marriage back to life:
- Admission from both people that they played a role in the issues at hand
- Keeping a level of respect for one another (no abusive behavior)
- Positivity is maintained
- There are more good than bad interactions
How To Bring Your Marriage Back to Life
Really listen
Practice talking less and giving your partner the floor. Avoid thinking of your response while they are speaking. Show them you are listening by nodding your head and making eye contact and of course, reject distractions like your phone. Demonstrate that you took in what they said and that you want to understand fully, by saying things like, “I think you’re saying…” or “Let me make sure I have this right…”
Work on intimacy
A strong connection where both people feel supported, understood, and appreciated is everything. You can buld a strong conenction through physical acts like sex. A deep connection can also be fostered through honest and open conversation or a shared activity that bonds you to each other.
Spend quality time
Reserve separate time for just the two of you, void of distractions. Don’t wait for that opportunity to come to you. Plan it out, and then make it routine. Strike a balance of going out and staying in. Whatever you choose, try to focus on enjoying one another. Be silly. Flirt. Remember what attracted you to them.
Practice forgiveness
Don’t think of forgiveness as weakness. Forgiveness is a choice, and it’s a powerful one at that. Forgiveness allows you to let go of negative feelings. Don’t allow wounds to fester. Shift your midneset and accept that your partner is doing the best they can, as we all are. Avoid viewing your partner as an enemy. Remember they are on your team, working towards the same goal you are.
Seek therapy
Couples therapy alone can be the difference between saving a marriage and letting it die. Therapy is an effective way to mend your relationship by allowing a neutral third-party view of your dynamic. It’s a way to see your relationship with new eyes and to try new approaches that may not otherwise come up.
Take the Next Step
Whether you’ve already exhausted all avenues or you’ve just discovered your marriage needs help, The Couples Center can help. We have experienced therapists who can help you turn your relationship around. The Couples Center also offers workshops and courses to support you in your journey to falling in love once again.
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