Your marriage is likely one of the most significant relationships in your life. The intimacy, memories, and love you have shared with one another might be incomparable to much else. Regardless of how much you value your connection, there are still bound to be challenging times. Long-term relationships have natural ups and downs – sometimes these include feeling less in love.

Feeling less in love does not necessarily correlate to actually being out of love with your spouse. It can signal that you have forgotten to invest in one another, that you are taking one another for granted, or that life has become too busy. Identifying the root causes of this feeling and implementing tips for recentering your bond can have you falling for each other all over again.

Why You Might Feel Like You Are Falling Out of Love

There are a number of reasons you and your spouse might feel like you are falling out of love. Each couple is unique, and no two sets of circumstances will match one another. However, there are common factors that tend to arise when love begins to elude you. These are:

Loss of “the spark”

Most romantic relationships begin with a honeymoon phase. The honeymoon phase is the period of time when everything feels perfect – you and your now spouse couldn’t get enough of one another. Hormones flooded your bodies, creating an intense “spark” between you. This spark helped lead you toward fun and play, fulfilling intimacy, and deep connection.

Loss of “the spark” is inevitable when you enter a long-term relationship with another person. Regardless of how much you and your spouse care for one another, feelings of lust are temporary. However, don’t be disheartened. It is possible to find a different type of spark with your spouse, one that is grounded in your enduring bond.

Complacency

Finding a different type of spark within your marriage requires acknowledgment of the areas where you might have become complacent. Taking one another for granted in a marriage is common. Your vows to one another instilled a confidence that the other would be there for you no matter what. While there is truth to this, keeping your marriage healthy looks like continuing to evolve, grow, and try together.

Complacency can feel like a loss of love. You might think, “Do we even notice each other anymore?” A step toward learning how to fall back in love with your spouse is to look at where each of you could put more effort in. Examples of this include being present in conversation, planning new activities to do together, and appreciating the little things that make the other person who they are.

Mismatched expectations

Every person has a different idea about how a long-term relationship or marriage will look. Some may desire a large amount of physical passion and shared experiences. Others may want consistent emotional connection and aligned core values. If you and your spouse came into your partnership with mismatched expectations about how it would look over time, you might worry that you have fallen out of love.

Mismatched expectations do not have to spell the end of your marriage. Coming together to realign can be a way to build a more robust understanding of one another’s needs. Compromising and adjusting where you can allows both people to feel seen, heard, and appreciated in the relationship.

Tips on How to Fall Back in Love With Your Spouse

It’s human to feel lost when you are trying to figure out how to fall back in love with your spouse. The tips below can aid you in exploring some of the many ways to bring your connection to life:

Acknowledge how you are feeling

Feeling as though you have lost your spark with your spouse can be scary. You might be tempted to pretend everything is business as usual or push away challenging emotions. Ignoring what is coming up for you tends to intensify the issue in the long run. As daunting as it is, acknowledging your truth – to yourself and to your spouse – is an important part of rediscovering love.

One way to start this process is by finding a time when you are both regulated and available to talk with your spouse. This promotes an environment where you can show up with depth, authenticity, and honesty. It is possible that even the presence of these qualities will help you and your spouse realize the care you hold for one another.

Develop your sense of self

In a marriage, it is common to blend your life with your spouse’s life. Sharing a home, sharing finances, having pets together, or having children together are a few ways of establishing yourself as a pair. All of these areas can create a foundation for greater bonding and lasting connection. However, over time, you and your spouse both risk losing your sense of self in favor of the relationship.

Healthy separation fuels passion. Remember when you were first getting to know your spouse – learning about their background, personality, and interests is a piece of what drew you to them. Recreating this sense of intrigue is possible. Lean into the joy of doing something you love apart from one another, as it can in turn make your time together more precious.

Be intentional about affection

Life’s demands often commandeer your attention over the course of the day. Being affectionate with those you love, your spouse included, falls by the wayside when you are busy responding to all that is on your plate. This can cause one or both of you to feel neglected in your marriage. Practicing intentionality around affection not only fosters intimacy, it also shows that the partnership is a priority.

Affection comes in many forms, and it can be helpful to get creative. You and your spouse might set aside time for purposeful play, laughing together, holding hands, cuddling, or sexual intimacy. It isn’t necessary for the spark to be at the forefront of your mind when you have planned these activities. You are likely to be surprised by how allowing yourself to engage brings up feelings of closeness, appreciation, care, and love.

Spice things up

Novelty is as necessary as intentionality for a thriving marriage. Falling back in love means committing to spontaneity and mystery. Several ideas for spicing things up include:

• Planning a surprise date night
• Sharing a new experience
• Trying something different in the bedroom
• Going on a weekend adventure
• Ask each other different questions

Through this process, you and your spouse will begin to recognize that you don’t know everything about one another. There are aspects of the other that are surprising even after being together for years.

Keep in mind that it is natural for a sense of comfort and a sense of excitement to ebb and flow in a long-term relationship. Think of finding stability and finding newness as a continuous balancing act. Discussing how equilibrium looks and feels with your spouse is another way of falling back in love through the recognition of one another’s core desires, wants, and needs.

Date again

New couples typically center their connection around dates. They look forward to meeting for dinner, doing an activity together, or simply spending hours talking. There is anticipation around deepening their bond and the potential of new love. While you and your spouse might not date in the exact same way as you once did, adopting some of these principles can aid in livening up your relationship.

For example, consider planning a romantic evening meal at a restaurant with your spouse. Spend time getting ready as you would early on in your relationship. Perhaps show up separately, make gestures such as creating a playlist or bringing flowers, and display genuine interest in how they are doing. Making this a regular occurrence ignites passion and can bring back the spark you have been missing.

Put down the technology

We live in a world where becoming distracted by phones, computers, and other screens is easy. Reaching for technology at times takes precedence over being present with those we love. Instead of spending time with your spouse, you might have fallen into the habit of scrolling before bed or when you wake up in the morning.

Setting boundaries around technology creates space where you and your spouse can remember why you fell in love. This might look like no phones/computers in the bedroom, having set hours where you are connecting without screens, or having a day of the week where you go out and leave your phones at home. Showing up for each other sans technology can increase confidence in and gratitude for your partnership.

Honor growth

You will change during the course of your marriage. Your spouse will change during the course of your marriage. Expecting each other to be just as you were when you met can contribute to feeling as though you have lost the love. Honoring how you have both grown and where you are now can reveal how meaningful your relationship truly is. A few ways of honoring growth are:

• Spend time reflecting on why you fell in love
• Spend time reflecting on why you love each other now
• Share memories
• Share times you are glad you made it through
• Look at photos of yourselves over the years
• Write each other letters of gratitude

Growth-affirming practices let you and your spouse know you are on the same team throughout changes. Expressing your pride in one another and in your marriage encourages continued devotion, intimacy, and love.

Seeking Help for Falling Back in Love With Your Spouse

Having trouble knowing how to fall back in love with your spouse does not mean your relationship is failing. Neither does seeking help from a therapist or counselor. Instead, meeting with a professional means you care about your relationship enough to sort through issues and blind spots. A trained therapist will meet you where you are in terms of understanding your difficulties, pointing out patterns in your marriage, and helping you guide yourself forward.

Going to therapy with your spouse can also facilitate more open conversations. Your therapist acts as a neutral third party who is skilled at asking questions and mediating conflict. You and your spouse can then learn more about how to reignite passion in your partnership. Sessions hold you accountable for practicing healthy habits and performing acts of love throughout the week.

If you are ready to get started, check out the available therapists at The Couples Center. A range of options ensures there will be someone who fits your needs. Attending an intake session will allow you and your spouse to get an individualized perspective on how therapy can help your marriage flourish.