Can a Trial Separation Save Your Relationship?

You’ve had troubles for a while. The arguments are endless. You don’t feel close the way you used to. It seems there are more negative interactions than good times together. The “d-word” has entered your thoughts at least once. You’re not sure about the future, but you know that what you’ve tried before hasn’t worked. Now you’re willing to try something a bit more drastic. 

You’re not ready to say goodbye, but you need time apart. They say, “distance makes the heart grow fonder”, right? So can separating from your spouse actually help save your marriage? 

What is a Trial Separation?

A trial separation is when both spouses agree to live apart for a period of time. The time apart is meant to be a time to evaluate feelings towards each other. A trial separation is a break with the intention of dealing with the issues that have been hurting the relationship. After the agreed-upon time is up, the couple decides either to move back in together or to divorce.

Physical distancing can remove the emotional intensity that is otherwise present. Couples find themselves trapped in negative cycles. A trial separation creates space from the high emotions and allows time for reflection on what the true needs for each person are. Each person is able to sort through and sit with their feelings for their partner with more intention. 

 Often times the couple is still seeing each other on a weekly basis (at least) to attend couples therapy sessions. Usually, one person remains in the home while the other one lives somewhere else during the separation. It is better for the couple to be housed separately for the duration. However, in cases where it’s not financially possible to live elsewhere, they may remain in the same home but stay in a separate room. In those cases, it’s important to set boundaries in the home so that there is a clear difference from how things previously were. This could mean setting separate meal times and agreeing not to interact during certain times of the day. 

A trial separation is different from a legal separation (aka divorce) where there are legal impacts that need to be decided such as child custody, and property rights. A trial separation is an informal agreement between the partners, without lawyers or judges involved. 

If contemplating a trial separation, consider these questions:

• What are the goals of the separation (what do we need to achieve during the time apart)? 
• How do I benefit from the trial separation?
• What am I losing in the separation?

How Long Should it Last?

It’s important to set a time limit for the separation to avoid it dragging on without a definitive conclusion. The length of time is up to you and your partner to agree on. However, trial separations typically last from a few weeks to a few months. It’s best that it doesn’t last beyond 6 months so that there is a sense of urgency attached. Once you’ve determined a length of time, it’s important that you stick to that deadline and not extend it further. The longer a separation continues, the harder it can be to return to one another after establishing more independent lives.

Commitment to Couples Therapy

Both you and your partner need to be all in when it comes to couples therapy. You need to be committed to attending every session, both with your partner and without (if necessary). You need to be willing to do the work: homework assigned by the therapist and use the tools you develop in sessions, on the outside. It also means being open and vulnerable. 

Couples counseling can help all couples, separated or not, understand the patterns that occurred that led to where they are now. Both spouses are able to gain clarity and grow from the experience so that the old patterns are not repeated.

How couples therapy can aid in the trial separation experience:

• Allows space for processing
• Helps heal and repair the relationship
• Allows a safe place to truly hear each other and share honest feelings
• De-escalates high-conflict situations
• Provides unbiased guidance on the next steps/decision-making process (staying together or divorcing)
• Tangible hope for reconciliation 
• Guides partners to manage a smooth transition back into the home.

Without a strong commitment to couples therapy, a trial separation loses its purpose.

Rules

A trial separation should be well thought out. You and your partner should agree on the terms beforehand. One partner storming off after a fight to spend the weekend with a friend is not a trial separation. It’s an intentional decision with rules to follow and important work to commit to during the time apart. A trial separation doesn’t have to be a precursor to divorce. If done right, it can help you come out on the other side. 

• Finances
  Plan out financial obligations ahead of time and decide who will be responsible for what. Having two separate households is bound to be more expensive, even more so if kids are in the mix.

• Co-Parenting
  Although you don’t plan to make the separation permanent, you should still create a clear agreement with your spouse that outlines a plan for co-parenting. This is a hard time for your children, so consistency and structure are paramount. Write out things like how much time each parent will spend with the child and when. As well as who pays for what.

• Contact
  Don’t forget why you’re doing this in the first place. Real change is needed if the relationship is going to last. You’ll have to be intentional in every aspect so that you don’t fall into the same patterns. Decide how often you communicate and see each other. Maybe a check-in at the end of the day via text is sufficient. Maybe you go on a weekly walk together. Some couples might decide to “date” each other.

• Intimacy
  Will you remain intimate with each other, and in what way? Remember that a trial separation is on your own terms, but it’s better to plan every piece out. It’s no surprise that sex can cloud your judgment so it’s better to wait until the end of the trial.

• Disclosing the separation
  Of course, if you have kids they will notice this big change. You’ll need to talk to them about it, but don’t overwhelm them with too much information. The older they are, the more details you can share. Never express negativity about their other parent.

When it comes to family and friends, make sure you and your spouse are on the same page about who you are telling and what you are saying.

Potential Benefits of a Trial Separation

A trial separation can help you avoid filing for divorce prematurely. It can give you a glimpse of what life would be like if you did divorce, which helps you make the decision to stay together or divorce.  If you do want to reconcile, it can give you a chance to work on your issues at a distance. A trial separation allows both partners to work on personal issues that may be negatively impacting the marriage. It may also give you the space to reflect and appreciate your marriage.

Benefits: 

• Reflection
• Self-improvement 
• Space to work on negative patterns of conflict 
• A feel for what separation would be like
• Distance can help you remember the positives 

Potential Risks of a Trial Separation

While a trial separation can be a way to repair and come back together, in some cases, it can actually backfire. For some couples, the time apart can cause you to further detach from your partner. You may be disappointed when you reunite and find that the same patterns exist and the vicious cycle starts up again. This is especially true if one or both of you refuse responsibility for your part in the breakdown of the relationship or is unwilling to attend therapy. 

Some people put too much stock in the physical separation, thinking that alone is enough to fix things. In some cases, the break from your spouse can cause you to ruminate on the negative aspects of your partner and cause you to see only the bad in the relationship. Some people might use the time alone to plan their next move rather than using the time apart to repair their relationship. 

Other considerations:

Finances

Financially, your obligations remain the same during a separation since there is no legal involvement. So if your partner decides to spend recklessly during the trial separation, that will affect you. Any debt that was incurred during your time apart is considered marital debt. If ultimately you decide to divorce, any spending or money made during the trial would not be protected the way it would be in a legal separation. 

Children

A trial separation can be especially hard if kids are involved. It can be very confusing for them, and just as difficult for you to explain. A trial separation can seem like a sort of limbo. The kids might assume that when the time is up everything will be back to normal. Therefore they can be blindsided if the decision ends in divorce.

Less privacy 

It can be difficult to keep your trial separation a secret. Friends and family are bound to have a lot of questions. The extra attention from outsiders can exasperate tensions between you and your partner. 

A trial separation is a good plan of action for some couples. You’ll want to make sure you’re on the same page throughout, and especially from the beginning to determine if a trial separation is even necessary.