Reasons for Commitment Issues

Relationships are usually ambivalent. There’s a part of us that longs to be in one, while there’s another part that feels afraid. Fear is the main reason why people have commitment issues. It might be a fear of choosing the wrong person, fear of the unknown, or fear of a bad relationship happening again (whether romantic or a relationship from childhood). The important part is to find out what the fear stems from so that it can be managed.  

Many people with commitment issues have a history of rejection or abandonment that stems from childhood. This causes them to be fearful of these things repeating in adulthood. 

Avoidant attachment

People with the avoidant-attachment type are very independent. They are constantly distancing themselves to avoid intimate connection. Avoidant attachment styles will pull back when their partner tries to get close. This is a form of control. They are afraid of intrusion or of being taken over by the other person. 

The avoidant attachment style is the result of a childhood where the child didn’t feel love or attention from their caregiver. They learned that they cannot rely on others for emotional support. 

Anxious attachment

On the other hand, people with the anxious-attachment type are seeking closeness. They want an intimate connection, but they are very sensitive to rejection. Their self-esteem is fragile. Therefore, if they sense that their partner is not wanting to connect with them in some way, they might duck out of the relationship to avoid getting hurt. 

The anxious-attachment style is the result of a childhood where the caregiver was unreliable. The caregiver’s inconsistency in their responsiveness and availability leads to uncertainty in future relationships. They have a fear of being rejected as they were in the past. 

Gamophobia

There are commitment issues and there is commitment phobia, known as gamophobia, which is a general, intense fear of commitment. People with gamophobia will find it impossible to “settle down”. This usually stems from a traumatic relationship in their past.  

Discomfort with emotional connection

Some people have a genuine fear of intimacy that stems from their past. They may have felt abandoned by a parent, which prevents them from trusting others in their adulthood and prevents their relationships from progressing.

Signs of Commitment Issues

People with commitment issues (whether it’s minor, moderate, or a phobia of commitment) will display some of the following

Avoiding conversations about the future

Do you get uncomfortable anytime your partner talks about the future with you in it? Do you try to change the subject when topics like living together, marriage, or children come up? 

Avoiding making future plans together

Are you putting off booking that trip because that would imply you’re still together? Deciding to renew your lease rather than look for a new place together? 

Self-sabotaging

Self-sabotaging in a relationship is when you do certain things consciously or unconsciously that lead to the end of the relationship. You may stop responding to texts or cancel plans you had made together. You might start acting mean or rude to the other person. Some people cheat on their partners as a form of self-sabotage. All of this is an attempt to stop the relationship from going any further. 

Avoiding emotional intimacy

Are you unwilling to be vulnerable and have deep and honest conversations? Emotional intimacy exists only when we open up and let our guard down. Emotional intimacy is what we need to feel close and connected to someone. 

Serial dating

Think about how many relationships you’ve been in and how long they’ve lasted. People with commitment issues will date someone for a little while, and then call it off over something small, maybe even nothing at all. Once out of that relationship they will start another short-term one. This is a cycle that continues to repeat. 

Criticizing your partner over small things

Are you nitpicking your partner, finding fault in otherwise harmless things? People with commitment issues will find things about the other person to harp on and blow up into something bigger than it is. An example would be calling them cheap and getting mad at them because they like to save money, or criticizing the way they dress.  This is a defense mechanism with the goal of being able to point to the other person as the reason why the relationship can’t work. 

Searching for red flags

If you have commitment issues, you might actually create red flags. For example, you might decide that the fact that they don’t like to cook is too big of a problem to overcome. Or that the type of music you like is too big of a difference. Essentially, you’re trying to turn small things into problems that are justifiable for a breakup.  

Not wanting to move to the next level

When dating, do you call things off around date 3 or 4 despite liking the person? When in a relationship, are you resistant to doing things like meeting family or moving in together? Is your relationship at a standstill?  Are you hesitant of titles like “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, or “partner”?  

How Commitment Issues Affect You

If commitment issues are not dealt with you can experience the following effects:

• Loneliness
• Guilt 
• Fear 
• Hopelessness 
• Depression 

Dealing with Commitment Issues

Commitment issues can rob you of having a happy, long-term relationship, in which there’s a lot to gain. Fortunately, commitment issues don’t have to be something you carry with you throughout your life.  

How to Overcome Your Commitment Issues

Understand your attachment style

Our attachment style is closely connected to our ability for a successful relationship. If you know your attachment style you know where your commitment issues come from and you’ll know what you need to work on. 

Talk about it

Open and honest acknowledgment is necessary for change. Before you can talk about it with your partner, you have to first be open with yourself. Consider why commitment is difficult for you. 

Consider therapy

It’s not easy to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings or negative parts of your past that you’ve been suppressing, but these are things that are stopping you from committing. A therapist can help you address these things and understand why you’ve had a fear of commitment. Couples therapy is a way to facilitate hard conversations with your partner. 

Practice commitment in other areas

Many people with relationship commitment issues have similar issues in other areas of their life. You could work on committing to something outside your relationship first. If you’ve been wanting to change jobs, learn guitar, or exercise more, face that head-on. A therapist can help you with any type of commitment issue. Once you’ve committed to something, others won’t be as hard. 

Dealing with your partner’s commitment issues

It can be frustrating and confusing to deal with a partner who has commitment issues. 

The first thing to realize is that you can’t make them commit. They have to want to do that on their own. It’s important to have a frank, nonaccusatory conversation. Ask them questions so you can start to understand where their commitment issues come from. 

Here are some things you can do if your partner has commitment issues:

Be patient 

Try not to rush them or give them a deadline.  Allow them to take small steps

Give them space

Try not to overstep. If you see they are making progress, acknowledge it, but don’t overwhelm them by checking in too often. 

Avoid judging or criticizing them

Realize that commitment issues are personal, and not about you. So while it can be hurtful if they don’t seem invested, there are underlying causes that are more complex. 

Try to understand why it’s difficult for them to commit 

This might require professional help through individual or couples therapy. 

Don’t forget your needs 

After giving your partner time, reassess. Are they making progress? Consider whether the relationship works for you. You don’t need to stay in a relationship that’s not serving you.