Do All Relationships Involve Power Struggles?

Power dynamics are part of every human relationship, including romantic partnerships. These dynamics are informed by your identities, interactions, and personalities. Not all power dynamics will transform into power struggles. A power struggle occurs when there is tension and discord over the power dynamics that inherently exist.
If you and your partner are experiencing a power struggle, you might feel worried about your relationship. You might wonder if your relationship will work out or if you will be able to come back together as a team. These are understandable fears, and it is important to keep in mind that power struggles do not have to spell disaster. When handled well, they can be opportunities to grow in the ways you and your partner are able to compromise with one another.

When Do Power Struggles Usually Show Up?

There are five phases in a romantic relationship – honeymoon, power struggle, stability, commitment, and co-creation. The power struggle phase shows up when the initial excitement associated with a new relationship starts to fade. You become more comfortable with your partner and start to see one another’s flaws. It’s common to feel like there is an impasse in communication or that you and your partner are unable to hear one another.

All of these feelings are natural. It’s also natural to experience anxiety about changes in your relationship. The push-and-pull that shows up during the power struggle phase has the capacity to take a toll on your bond. Learning new tools and skills is essential for instead gaining strength as a pair through this time. New levels of insight, understanding of differences, and an increased ability to agree to disagree are possible.

Although there is no set timeline for relational phases, it is common for the power struggle phase to show up somewhere between two months and two years into your relationship. Starting to ask questions such as, “Is our love fading?” or “Is this person who I thought they were?” is an indicator that the power struggle phase may be beginning. To avoid getting stuck here, you and your partner must learn new ways of engaging in and resolving conflict.

Signs of Power Struggles in Relationships

Although power struggles will look different for every couple, there are several signs that can help identify them. These signs include:

Difficulty Coming to a Compromise

Differences exist in every relationship. You might not prefer the same foods, activities, or routines as your partner. You might have been raised with different values and ideas around how to structure your lives. Regardless of the size of the issue, being engaged in a power struggle tends to create tension around it.

Anger, sadness, frustration, and fear are common when there is consistent difficulty reaching a compromise. Making space for these emotions is an important part of coming back to points of conflict from a more regulated place. Being regulated allows for greater understanding, which can break down the barriers created by power struggles.

Development of a Pursue/Withdraw Pattern

Pursue/withdraw is a conflict cycle that is prone to emerging when a power struggle is present. In this cycle, you and your partner play roles that oppose one another. One of you pulls for connection (often through making demands or wanting to solve problems right away), while the other withdraws. Each person ends up feeling like the other cannot hear their needs.

Keep in mind that neither of you is in the wrong in this situation. You are both attempting to connect and obtain security in the relationship. However, the power struggle that is perpetuated by a pursue/withdraw pattern pushes the other person away, making connection more challenging. Breaking this cycle is possible through increased awareness and engagement in couples therapy.

Increased Criticism

Power struggles are likely to cause you and your partner to become defensive toward one another. It is difficult to remain open in the midst of wondering whether or not you will be able to return to being a team. Being closed off can lead to increased criticism of each other’s words, actions, and motivations.

Criticism without sincere apology and an attempt to repair the relationship does lasting damage to your bond. Getting to the root of what is bringing up you and your partner’s defenses is critical for moving beyond this part of a power struggle. Relational growth occurs when mutual acceptance, empathy, and vulnerability are fostered where criticism once was.

Fear of the Relationship Ending

Unresolved power struggles are a factor in many breakups, separations, and divorces. If your power struggles have been occurring for some time, it is natural to fear the end of the relationship. You might wonder where those intoxicating feelings of love and affection went. You might be concerned that the negative feelings that you and your partner harbor are permanent.

While these worries, fear, and concerns are not unfounded, mutual effort can keep a healthy relationship progressing. Remember that you and your partner must both have a desire to learn new ways of communicating with one another. Continuing in a healthy way requires a foundation of respect that extends beyond the challenges you are facing.

How to Overcome Power Struggles in Relationships

Overcoming power struggles in a relationship is possible. Having the right tools, skills, and resources can help get you there. A few of these are:

Remember What Brought You Together

Dating and relationships typically start with strong attraction. The beginning of your relationship was likely filled with strong positive feelings, exciting dates, and novel experiences. Although the initial intoxicating hormones may subside as power struggles emerge, remembering what brought you together does not have to. Making time to enjoy yourselves when your relationship is facing challenges can make navigating conflict more manageable.

Attending a couples retreat is one way to recenter on love and affection. Taking a weekend away for just the two of you leads the way to relationship breakthroughs. Retreats that are led by trained professionals provide additional guidance and tools to take with you as you continue your journey.

Acknowledge Both Sides

It’s human to get caught up in your side of the story when experiencing a power struggle in a relationship. Seeing your partner’s perspective can feel like you are compromising your own wants, needs, and desires. Remember that acknowledging both sides does not mean immediately making concessions. It simply means recommitting to allowing one another to be seen and heard in your stances.

Leading with both internal and relational curiosity is helpful in making space for everyone’s point of view. Instead of assuming that you know what’s coming up for your partner, you might ask, “How are you feeling in this discussion? How can we work toward both being heard?” You might also take a moment to check in with yourself, noticing if you are activated or wanting to react in a way that feeds the power struggle.

Seek Outside Help

You don’t have to face power struggles in a relationship on your own. Therapists trained in addressing the issues you face with your partner are out there. An outside perspective on the dynamics that are straining your connection is a valuable tool for reestablishing closeness. Learning to expand your responsiveness to one another’s needs bridges the divide that power struggles create.

Engaging in individual therapy centered on relationships can serve as an additional resource and support. One-on-one sessions are a space to be honest with yourself about the impact of your past experiences, your relational patterns, and the overall health of your partnership. When individual therapy is attended alongside couples therapy, you and your partner give yourselves the opportunity to find the best way forward.