Maybe it feels like you’re fighting all the time. The fight might be over, but you feel like nothing is resolved. Perhaps you feel more negative about your relationship after the fight. 

The Critical Difference: Healthy Fights vs. Unhealthy Fights

Whether or not it’s considered “okay” to have fights in your relationship depends on a number of factors. Relationship experts and couples therapists state that conflict itself isn’t the problem. 

Whether fighting is healthy or harmful depends on a few key factors, such as:

1) How You Fight:

Above all, it’s the way that you deal with conflict that matters most. What does a fight with your partner look and sound like? Believe it or not, there is such a thing as healthy fighting. 

Conflict that’s considered healthy and thus productive includes the following:

• Staying focused on the current issue at hand
• Ability to express one’s feelings without shouting, insulting, or any type of contempt
• Truly listening to your partner instead of interrupting or preparing what you will say 
• Take time-outs when emotions run high 

Conflicts that are considered unhealthy and damaging include the following:

• Repeatedly bringing up old wounds
• Shouting, ignoring, or stonewalling 
• Using name-calling, passive aggression, or personal attacks
• Fighting as a way to prove something, or win

2) How Often You Fight:

Frequency alone doesn’t determine whether it’s good or bad, but patterns do.

Healthy patterns are generally when:

• Conflicts are occasional, but not constant
• The same fight isn’t occurring again and again without progress
• Positive interactions outweigh the negative ones
  

Concerning patterns are generally when:

• Frequent arguments take place without change
• Things escalate over small issues
• Partner(s) feel emotionally exhausted or on edge the majority of the time

3) How the Fight Ends 

“Good fights” refer to any type of conflict that brings you closer together. And no, makeup sex doesn’t count, though that can happen after you do the important work known as “repair.”

Healthy endings to a fight consist of:

• Apologies or acknowledgments of hurt
• Reassurance of care or commitment
• Emotional reconnection, even if the issue isn’t fully solved

Unhealthy endings to a fight consist of:

• Silent treatment
• Lingering resentment
• Emotional distance that lasts days or weeks

Relationships can withstand many fights. However, a relationship cannot survive a constant lack of repair.

4) Whether the Conflict Leads to Growth 

Arguments can leave emotional wounds, or they can improve your bond.

How to Know the Difference

Conflict means growth when:

• There is a greater understanding
• Needs and boundaries are given clarity 
• Trust is increased 

Conflict inflicts lasting harm when:

• Resentment is reinforced
• Emotional distance is created 
• Safety and respect are damaged

Defining “Normal”: Navigating the Spectrum of Disagreements

It’s human nature to want to compare ourselves to others, and to know where we fall on the spectrum of normalcy. However, instead of asking “Is our fighting normal?”, it’s better to ask “Is our fighting bringing us closer together, or farther apart?” It is better to be concerned with the health of the conflict rather than how common it is.

There are some obvious signs that fighting is not normal and thus unhealthy. Any time conflict becomes physical, it is a serious red flag. Fighting is also considered unsafe without physical aggression. 

Unhealthy and unsafe fighting includes:

• Threats
•  Intimidation
• Emotional manipulation
• Gaslighting
• Persistent yelling
• Humiliation

Less obvious signs of detrimental fighting involve disrespect. Examples of disrespect include sarcasm, scoffing, name-calling, and personal attacks. Basically, it comes down to how the fighting makes you feel. If you feel unsafe, unheard, or emotionally worn down, it is not okay. 

So what is considered normal (aka healthy) fighting? Healthy conflict depends on:

• Emotional safety
• The ability to repair
• Accountability 
• Growth 

The Foundation of Conflict: What Fuels the Fires?

Is Your Style of Fighting Healthy or Not?

You may be wondering whether the patterns in your relationship are healthy. You can reflect on your approach to conflict by asking yourself the following questions:

• Did I focus on a specific issue, or did I raise past grievances?
• Did I express my feelings and needs clearly instead of attacking my partner’s character?
• Did I stay respectful, even when I was angry?
• Did I listen to understand, or was I more concerned with defending myself?
• Did I take ownership in terms of regulating myself, or did I expect my partner to do it?
• Did I pause when overwhelmed, or when I felt the conversation was escalating?

The main things to reflect on and examine are your emotional regulation, your intention, and your responsibility.

You can also assess how you and your partner work through conflict together. It can be helpful to go over the following together.

• Do both people feel safe expressing themselves?
• Is there mutual respect, even during disagreement and anger?
• Does conflict lead to understanding? 
• What kind of change does the conflict lead to over time?
• Do repairs happen consistently?

Healthy Boundaries in Conflict

It’s important to set clear boundaries in your relationship. Maintaining boundaries during times of conflict can mean the difference between productive arguments and emotional injuries.  Talk about your “rules for fighting” to get on the same page. You may have different boundaries, but some examples include:

1. Discuss Behavior, Not Character:

Aim to talk about behaviors and impact, instead of your partner’s character. Criticism will only cause defensiveness and prevent empathy. Instead of “You’re selfish”, replace it with an “I” statement. For example, “When this happened, I felt uncared for and unimportant.”

2. No Disrespect:

Agree to remain civil even when anger and frustration are present. Disrespect gets you nowhere good. Refrain from name-calling, eye-rolling, mocking tones, or dismissive humor. These are all examples of contempt, the biggest predictor of divorce.

3. Take Breaks:

Be mindful of how your body feels during a fight. When you feel your heart pounding or notice your voice rising, take a time-out. Let your partner know you need a few minutes to calm down. Breaks can help avoid heightened emotions that steer the conversation into a battle or lead you to say something you’ll later regret.

4. Don’t Shut Down:

It’s okay to need space, but it’s not okay to shut your partner out. Stonewalling or silent punishment escalates the conflict and can inflit feeligns of abandonment in your partner. If you feel the need for space, communicate that.

5. One Issue At a Time:

Do not pile past grievances. When you bring up unrelated things that hurt you, it distracts you from resolving the current issue. It can overwhelm both you and your partner. Instead, you can schedule a later time to address the issue.

6. Assume the Best:

We can get stuck in our negative thoughts. Those thoughts might lead us to believe the world is against us, including our partner. However, negative assumptions unnecessarily escalate conflict. Instead of pretending you can read your partner’s mind, ask what their intent is. Hear them out before jumping to negative conclusions.

7. Feel Responsible for Making Repairs:

Repairs are critical at the end of a fight. Put in the effort to turn to your partner in some way and show your love. Don’t rely on them to repair each time you argue, even if they were the one who created the conflict. Remember, you are a team.

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How to Stop The Fighting

While eliminating all conflict is impossible, you can reduce the frequency and intensity of your fights. You can learn to “fight well” in a way that won’t cause lasting damage to your relationship.

Uncover the Root of Your Fights 

If you’ve been fighting regularly, there’s likely a common theme present. Underneath the surface-level arguments over cleaning the kitchen or whose turn it is to bring the kids to their afterschool activity, there’s something bigger. Figuring out the culprit will bring understanding and likely lead to less fighting overall. 

Reflect on what about the dishes being undone is really bothering you. Ask your partner questions to help you understand what has been bothering them.

Change the How

We know that behaviors like disrespect, blame, shutting down, and bringing up past issues are all unhealthy conflict behaviors. So, what is a good way to fight? First, set a good tone. The way a conversation begins strongly predicts how it will unfold.

Rather than launching into blame, begin with calm, clear, non-accusatory language known as a soft-startup. You can begin with an “I” statement to describe how you feel. 

Most fights are actually about unmet needs. Instead of playing the blame game, focus on what you need. Think about what your partner may need. 

Make Your Goal to Understand, Not Win

Sometimes our aim in a fight is to just win. We want to be right and prove our point. When that is the intention, we aren’t working to solve the problem. We aren’t available to hear and understand where our partner is coming from. What started out as a small tiff can escalate into a bigger issue if one partner is more concerned with preparing their rebuttal than with listening. Practice active listening, which includes:

• Showing interest with your body language 
• Reflecting back what your partner said
• Asking clarifying questions
• Validating their feelings
• Asking open-ended questions 

Instead of trying to win the fight, reframe problems as joint problems to solve together. Instead of “You spend too much money.” Try: “Can we come up with a budget that works for our family?” Instead of seeing conflict as a threat, try to see it as a way to gain greater understanding, which can lead to a stronger connection.

Use Repair Attempts 

One of the strongest predictors of long-term relationship success isn’t the absence of conflict. It’s how quickly and effectively couples repair after conflict. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman explains that a repair attempt is “any statement or action — silly or otherwise — that prevents negativity from escalating out of control”. Repairing is less about fixing and more about restoring. A repair attempt could be a phrase or expression, or any type of cue — audible, visual, or tactile, or anything that signals to your partner you don’t want the argument to progress. A successful repair attempt doesn’t necessarily end the argument, but it removes the hostility.

The Repair Checklist is a list of phrases organized into 6 different categories: 

• I Feel 
• Sorry
• Get To Yes
• I Need To Calm Down
• Stop Action!

There are more than 60 phrases listed in the Gottman Repair Checklist. Here are 10 of the most helpful phrases to use as a repair attempt: 

1. “Let’s compromise here.” (Get To Yes)
2. “I don’t feel like you understand me right now.” (I Feel)
3. “I see your point.” (I appreciate…)
4. “Please give me a minute. I need a break.” (Stop Action!)
5. “One thing I admire about you is…” (I Appreciate)
6. “I’m feeling defensive. Can you rephrase that?” (I Feel)
7. “My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry.” (Sorry)
8. “Can we take a break?” (I Need To Calm Down)
9. “This is important to me. Please listen.” (I Need To Calm Down)
10. “This is not your problem. This is our problem.” (I Appreciate)

Getting Help Breaking the Cycle of Fighting 

As mentioned, when it comes to fighting in a relationship, what matters most is how you fight. Sometimes couples fight in a way that makes them feel less and less connected to their partner. Each conflict, even when small, can be another step backwards. 

Many couples find themselves in a difficult-to-break cycle. When you’re stuck in this pattern, you might need outside help to undo what’s been your go-to behavior for so long.

A couples therapist can provide you with the tools you need to break out of the cycle of destructive fighting. A good therapist won’t tell you to simply “stop fighting”. Relationship experts agree that happy couples still fight. A therapist will teach you how to fight without damaging the relationship. Specifically, they can help with the following:

• Fighting the issue, instead of each other
• Uncovering the real issue 
• Helping you recognize your conflict patterns
• Teaching emotional regulation during fights
• Replacing criticism with vulnerability
• Teaching active listening skills 
• Identifying triggers
• Ensuring you remain on the same team
• Addressing underlying attachment issues 

The bottom line is that fighting is normal. Fighting destructively or without repair is not. Healthy couples don’t avoid conflict. Instead, they handle it in ways that nurture the connection.