Why You’re Feeling Disconnected

Believe it or not, it’s our natural state to be present, so it’s important to discover what’s keeping us disconnected. Most often, there are two reasons:

1. Being distracted. An unfocused, drifting mind is common, and often has to do with performance anxiety or avoidance of a particular emotion or thought. In cases of performance anxiety, it’s often very difficult to stay in the moment and fully connected as you find your thoughts drifting to questions of whether you’re “doing it right,” thinking about the latest tips and advice you read, or a myriad of other things that serve to judge your performance. In other cases, people find that sexual intimacy brings up a host of distressing emotions and memories, especially in cases where previous trauma was experienced. Distracting yourself from the present is a way of avoiding these feelings and disconnecting from the moment.
2. Being disembodied. Being distanced or separated from your body is another reason why people struggle to stay present during sex. This is a common experience in our culture, particularly for men who have learned not to be emotional and “weak” and, therefore, cut themselves off from their feelings. But emotions are situated within the body, so cutting yourself off emotionally also means disconnecting from your body. Being disembodied means that you will struggle to stay present with the sensual and sexual sensations that allow you to experience (and enjoy) them fully.

Learning to Savor the Moment

Becoming mindful is a great way to practice being in the moment and becoming more present during sex. Next time you’re with your partner, try to fully notice and savor the following: