Common Reasons for Lack of Sex
High stress levels
Exposure to chronic stress runs rampant in our modern lives. The demands of work and presence of constant stimulation activates our sympathetic nervous systems. We are driven into fight-or-flight mode, which causes our bodies to release adrenaline and cortisol. Adrenaline and cortisol signal that the production of sex hormones is not needed, thereby reducing sex drive.
Bringing the parasympathetic, or rest and digest, nervous system online is necessary for sex drive. Looking at our lifestyles and the ways they keep us from this state is a helpful place to start. Using grounding exercises, introducing mindfulness, and leaning into the present moment can also be valuable.
Depression and anxiety
Depression and anxiety have a large impact on our ability to engage in sex. The low mood, lack of energy, and low self-esteem that come with depression commonly causes us to feel unable to get in the mood. Anxiety lends itself to forms of overwhelm, physical symptoms, and rumination that make both arousal and orgasm difficult.
Taking care of our mental health is a way of taking care of our relational health. A trained therapist can guide us in making connections between mental health symptoms and challenges with sexual intimacy. Attending couples therapy in addition to individual therapy lends itself to more effective communication with our partners in this area.
Relationship issues
Difficulties with trust, lack of security, and feelings of resentment are relationship issues that may be present for couples who stop having sex. Past infidelity or sexual trauma for either partner has the potential to show up when attempting to engage in sexual intimacy.
Sitting down and evaluating the state of our partnerships helps us understand the deeper reasons for lack of sex. Being honest with ourselves and our significant others about relationship issues is crucial. Reminding ourselves that we are a team in these conversations allows us to show up for one another and collaborate on resolutions.
Physical health
Couples who stop having sex do not always do so for psychological or relational reasons. There are multiple physical health factors that can lead to a decrease in sex drive. For those with male genitals, erectile dysfunction can cause inability to become aroused and insecurity about attempting to become aroused. For those with female genitals, issues with sexual response can cause pain during sex.
Hormone changes as we get older are a factor for all genders. Figuring out how to take these changes into account during sex is a natural part of aging. A physical evaluation will benefit anyone who is looking to explore potential physical causes for lack of sex in their relationships. Medication and treatment options are available for many sex-related conditions.
Age related body changes can also impact our confidence in the bedroom. We might be less comfortable with sex when we are struggling with the way we look. Sharing our feelings with our partner and asking for the reassurance we need during intimacy can help. Discussing body image and aging issues in therapy is beneficial for addressing core beliefs and finding ways to boost self-esteem.
Tips for Reintroducing Sex
Focus on affection
Research shows that sex perceived as affectionate has a greater positive impact on wellbeing. Affection is particularly important for those of us looking to reintroduce sex. Words of affirmation and loving touch signal to our partners that we are interested in sharing an intimate bond. Trust and security are built through positive expression and emotional attunement.
One way to center affection in our relationships is to schedule time for cuddling. Although having a schedule may feel rigid, it aids in prioritizing intimacy. Take the pressure to have sex off and simply enjoy one another. Sex is more likely to reintroduce itself naturally when we are making intentional space for affection and pleasure instead of focusing on orgasm or performance.
Raise self-esteem
Low levels of self-esteem can decrease desire to be intimate. Difficulties with self-esteem can also bring up pressure to have sex when we don’t want because we think others will like us more. Satisfying sex is born from a place of feeling assured and confident in ourselves. When couples stop having sex, raising self-esteem can facilitate reintroducing it.
One way to raise self-esteem is by devoting time to independent interests. Spending time apart may seem counterintuitive to reintroducing sex. However, when we grow our sense of self, we are able to return to our relationships with passion and excitement. Our time together is more precious and lends itself to establishing healthy, positive sexual intimacy.
Higher self-esteem can also come from positive body image. Challenges with how we look make it difficult to be fully present during sex. We tend to feel better about our physical appearance when we know we are attractive to and desired by our partners. Spending intentional time complementing, reassuring, and engaging with one another’s bodies in a passionate way increases our ability to feel beautiful in our own skin.
Take the pressure off
Making time for the relationship without the pressure of sex can be restorative. Enjoying one another’s company, doing mutually enjoyable activities, and appreciating the ways the partnership enhances life makes a couple stronger. This heightened sense of strength and togetherness leads to physical affection happening naturally.
Booking a weekend away helps couples carve out this time. A different setting removes the distractions of home and allows the relationship to be the priority. Remember, the goal is not to have sex or be intimate in any particular way. The goal is to relax, be present in the moment, and let the connection happen without trying to force or change it.
Have the tough conversations
When we haven’t been sexual with our partners in a while, the topic can become the elephant in the room. We avoid addressing the issue and widen the distance between ourselves and our partners. Our own fear gets the best of us, causing us to feel stuck. Discussing hopes, worries, and emotions around sex and intimacy breaks the cycle of avoidance.
Having meaningful conversations about our sex lives requires stepping into discomfort. We have to acknowledge our concerns and know that deeper connection lies on the other side of them. Being honest with our partners in regard to how we are feeling about opening up in this way can help. We can also invite them to share their own experience. Talking about the blocks we are experiencing in sex is often an important step on the path to reintroducing it.
Work with a therapist
A trained couples therapist has the skills necessary to guide couples who have stopped having sex toward a place of greater intimacy. Some couples therapists have additional specialization in sex counseling or sex therapy. This specialization ensures that discussing challenges, learning to pleasure one another, and reintroducing sex will be prioritized in sessions.
The Couples Center offers couples therapy with therapists who specialize in sex. Sex therapy creates space for addressing uncomfortable topics and exploring needs. We can reignite eroticism, arousal, and desire when we become exploratory in these areas. Releasing our preconceived notions and showing up more authentically makes sex an act of mutual reward.
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