Shadow work is a psychological and personal development practice that focuses on exploring the unconscious parts of yourself, referred to as your “shadow.” This “shadow” is the aspects of your personality, emotions, desires, and behaviors that you’ve repressed, denied, or ignored. The belief is that these parts were concealed, usually because they were regarded as unacceptable by others, such as family or society, or by oneself.

Shadow work has recently been all the buzz on social media. The concept of shadow work dates back more than 70 years, originating from influential psychiatrist Carl Jung, who introduced the idea of the “shadow” as the unconscious part of the psyche that contains the traits we disown or repress.

Our shadow or unconscious part of ourselves can manifest in our conscious lives in many ways, such as bitterness, jealousy, victimization, and shame. If we don’t recognize our shadow, it can take over our lives, continually presenting us with uncomfortable opportunities to integrate it.

What is Shadow Work in a Relationship?

Shadow work helps you understand the hidden parts of you that can explain why you behave the way you do, and improve upon behaviors that do not serve you. This can have a profoundly positive impact on your personal growth, and not surprisingly, your relationship.

When shadow work is brought into a relationship, everyone benefits. It fosters awareness and enables more meaningful conversations. Shadow work boosts compassion for others.

Why Do Shadow Work?

Shadow work can be empowering. Through shadow work, you can uncover the darker parts of yourself and the negative beliefs that you can then confront and challenge. It is an opportunity to face our dark side. Continuing to suppress the less-than-likeable parts is exhausting and can make us sick. However, if we choose to engage with our shadow, we can experience inner freedom. By letting the light in, we can begin to heal.

How You Can Practice Shadow Work

How do you do it? In a nutshell, shadow work is observation and mindfulness. It requires you to be curious.

Know Your Triggers

What or who sets you off? When do you feel anxious? When you clench your jaw, ball your fists, and grab for your phone to scroll, think about why that is. Through self-observation and mindfulness, we can cultivate awareness of our shadow aspects. Be patient, as it can take time to develop this skill. Continuing to practice simply by taking some time to reflect on a reaction.

Practice Mindfulness

Work on developing a sense of curiosity for your hidden emotions. Notice what you are feeling and ask yourself why you are feeling this way. Instead of pushing away unfavorable feelings, allow yourself to fully feel them. Go through the cycle of that emotion.

In addition to practicing mindfulness as your life naturally unfolds, you can supplement it with meditation. Learn to sit with yourself and your shadow. Embrace the silence and focus on your deep breath. Allow thoughts to enter your mind, but don’t dwell on them; simply notice.

When engaging with the uncomfortable aspects of ourselves, it’s essential that we remain non-judgmental. Avoid labeling yourself or your parts as bad.

Journaling

Journaling can be an effective way to work on self-discovery. The best way to do it is without thinking too much about it. Just write. Raw, unfiltered writing can offer a glimpse into your unconscious, allowing you to see what lies beneath.

You may also benefit from prompts to help get you started:

• What triggers me in general, and in my relationships?
• When and how do I judge others? What do I dislike in other people?
• When and how do I judge myself? What do I not like about myself?
• What (or who) do I feel resentment for?
• What are the things I complain about?
• What are the things I envy in others?
• What are the things I struggle with?
• What do I find inspiring and interesting in other people?

Free writing without censoring can help you uncover the hidden parts of yourself.

Practice Radical Self-Acceptance

Shadow work is not about removing the shadow or “fixing” it. Rather, it’s about accepting it and integrating the shadow in a healthy way. Rather than feeling shame towards your shadow parts, you can learn to recognize and show yourself compassion. Radical self-acceptance means embracing every part of yourself fully. That means accepting good, the bad, the messy, the fearful, etc, without judgment or the need to change who you are to be “worthy.”

Exercises to practice radical self-acceptance:

• Challenge negative self-talk. Replace your negative thoughts with more realistic and balanced thoughts.
• Be kind to yourself. Give yourself grace. Treat yourself with compassion, the way you would a close friend.
• Accept your reality. Remind yourself that you cannot change the past or the present. Focus on what you can control, like how you respond.

Check out the book “Radical Acceptance” by Tara Brach.

Work on Your Inner Child

Most of our shadows tend to form in childhood. Inner child work is a practical and holistic approach to healing. Psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera describes the inner child as “an unconscious part of the mind where we carry our unmet needs, suppressed childhood emotions, our creativity, our intuition, and our ability to play”. In order to heal, we must become a loving inner parent who acknowledges and accepts the inner child.

Exercises for healing your inner child:

• Write a letter to your child self, acknowledging what you went through as a child
• Look in the mirror and say aloud what you needed as a child when you felt unsafe, unsure, or hurt
• Experience an inner child healing meditation like the one offered by InsightTimer.

Improves Communication

There is less reactiveness and more self-awareness. You are better able to express your emotions with transparency, rather than blame. Instead of using defensiveness, you can name why x triggers you.

Increases Empathy

As you accept your own shadow, you can give more grace to your partner. You’re less judgmental and more accepting of your partner’s flaws because you recognize your flaws as well.

Reduces Codependency

You stop looking for someone to “complete” you. You learn to fulfill your own needs and set boundaries. You realize you don’t need to people-please, fix, or control others to feel worthy.

Heals Attachment Wounds

You become more secure in how you give and receive love.

Breaks Harmful Patterns

Because you went to the root, you’re able to stop repeating harmful dynamics such as control, clinginess, or withdrawal.

Conflict Resolution Skills

You are aware when your shadow part is taking over. You can call it out and take ownership. You can take a beat before you react in conflict. You stay present during disagreements.

You Can Be Your Authentic Self

You’re no longer trying to be who you think your partner wants you to be. Instead, you’re free to be who you truly are. This breeds a deeper connection.

How to Handle Hardships in a Relationship?

Managing conflict in your relationship with shadow work means looking inside yourself. It means taking responsibility for your projections and unconscious patterns. Shadow work can help you get curious about your reactions, allowing you to learn from them.
You can use the information you’ve gathered about yourself to approach healthier conflict. This work can lead a partner to share something like, “I realize I’ve been projecting my fear of abandonment onto you. That’s not fair.” or “I’ve noticed I tend to shut down when we have a disagreement. I’m working on that”.

What are Good Shadow Work Prompts?

The following prompts are designed to help you uncover hidden patterns, emotional triggers, and unconscious beliefs that may be affecting the connection with your partner. Ask yourself these questions and write your answers, without any editing.

Exploring Past Relationships

• What patterns have I noticed in my past relationships?
• How have these patterns influenced my current relationship?

Unresolved Emotional Wounds

• What emotional wounds from past relationships are still unhealed?
• How do these wounds impact my current relationship?

Communication Issues

• In what ways do my partner and I struggle with communication?
• What behaviors from my partner trigger me most? Why do I think that is?
• When was the last time I overreacted? What deeper wound might that reaction be protecting?
• What do I blame my partner for that I might struggle with myself?

Addressing Jealousy

• When do I feel most jealous in my relationship?
• What underlying insecurities might be driving these feelings?

Embracing Vulnerability

• How comfortable am I with being vulnerable in my relationship?
• What fears do I have about opening up to my partner?

Uncovering Hidden Expectations

• What unspoken expectations of my partner do I hold?
• How can I openly communicate these needs?

Managing Conflict

• How do I tend to handle conflict in my relationship?
• How can I approach disagreements more effectively?