Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Jealousy

The difference between healthy and unhealthy jealousy comes down to when that emotion comes out and how it is expressed. 

Healthy Jealousy 

Jealousy is considered a necessary emotion because it preserves social bonds and motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain essential relationships. Sometimes jealousy is the result of the person feeling passionate about their relationship. Jealousy can come from the fear of losing the relationship. This exists when a person is afraid something or someone better will end the relationship. This mild form of jealousy is normal because it’s connected to the love and importance they have for the relationship. It’s proof that they put their partner first, and want their partner to reciprocate that. And a mild form of jealousy can be considered a positive part of a relationship if it’s expressed in a healthy way.  

As a matter of fact, research has found jealousy in relationships to be correlated with the following:

• Increased love for one’s partner
• Stronger feelings of being “in love”
• More stability in the relationship 

Healthy jealousy is shown when the person is able to control their jealousy so that it doesn’t morph into anger. It’s considered healthy when you can communicate with your partner about why you feel jealous. 

Here are a few situations where mild jealousy is an appropriate response: 

1. Your partner is giving someone else attention (flirtatious or not) 

It’s completely normal to feel left out if your partner is “hitting it off” with someone that’s not you. You want to be the apple of their eye all the time. 

2. Someone else is giving your partner attention (flirtatious or not)

Similar to the previous situation, if you love and care for your partner, another person in the equation (even platonically) can make you feel insecure. 

3. Your partner succeeded at something you are also working towards 

Jealousy can exist in a relationship without a third person involved. It could be that your partner got a raise at work, and you’ve been hoping for one yourself. Maybe they passed you in that race you’ve been preparing for. Jealousy stemming from competition is to be expected. 

4. Your partner shares a special moment with someone else

Maybe your partner went with their friend to that restaurant you two had been talking about going to. Perhaps they shared their big news with a family member before telling you. Of course, you want to be their number one. 

5. Your partner does something that makes you feel excluded 

Maybe your partner has been spending a lot of time with another person who shares a common interest or hobby with them. Even though you don’t like playing tennis, for example, you can still feel left out. 

Signs of Healthy Jealousy

Having jealous feelings can be out of your control. It’s what you do with those feelings that make the difference. 

1. Acknowledging the jealousy 

Recognizing that you feel jealous gives you the ability to do something about it, and not let it get out of hand. 

2. Talking about the jealousy 

Communication makes all the difference. Have an open and honest conversation. Let your partner know what made you feel uncomfortable. 

3. Understanding your jealousy 

When you feel jealous, analyze it. Where do the feelings comes from, and why? Reflect on what in your past has created triggers for you.

4. Taking responsibility for your jealousy 

Accept that your partner’s behavior isn’t the issue. You are in control of your emotions. 

Unhealthy jealousy

Jealousy is most commonly thought of in an unhealthy form. In a relationship, this is the controlling or even abusive behavior that comes to mind. Unhealthy behavior comes out when the person indulges jealous feelings and acts on impulse. Unhealthy jealousy comes from insecurities (mostly from feeling not good enough or attractive enough). A jealous partner may suffer from shame and/or codependency. 

If the feelings of insecurity are strong enough and left unattended, jealousy can grow into paranoia and obsession. It then has the potential to destroy that very same  relationship that person feels compelled to protect and defend.

7 Signs of Unhealthy Jealousy

1. Unwarranted suspicions or accusations 

Unhealthy jealousy can mean your partner is being suspicious of you for no good reason. They assume the worst of you. They might make outlandish accusations about what are really innocent interactions. For example, coming home late means you are cheating on them. 

2. Controlling behavior 

The desire for control is strong when strong jealousy is present. It might start off as minor things like “check-ins” but it can snowball into telling you what to wear or forbidding you from going somewhere. If your partner is over-possessive, attempting to have a hand in your every move, unhealthy, or even abusive behavior is at play. 

3. Passive-aggressive behavior 

Unhealthy jealous behavior can also be indirect. It could be manipulation or snide comments meant to belittle you. Jealousy is uncomfortable and passive-aggression is a defense mechanism used instead of dealing with the feelings head-on.

4. Needing to be with you all the time

Codependency is not healthy. A partner displaying unhealthy jealousy will not only want to be with you all the time, but they will want you alone. They might insist that you cancel plans with others. They may attempt to isolate you from your close friends or family members. 

5. Excessive questioning 

An overly jealous partner might pummel you with questions about who you are with and what you are doing because they don’t trust you. They may be trying to catch you in a lie.

6. Invasion of Privacy 

Unhealthy jealousy could be demanding access to your texts and social media. They might insist they accompany you wherever you go. They may chalk it up to wanting “an open, honest relationship”, but this is toxic behavior. 

7. Jealousy-induced depression or self-harm 

Some partners could exhibit symptoms of depression or participate in self-harm because of their jealousy. It can be hard to differentiate whether their behavior is connected to jealous feelings about your relationship. Other signs would need to be present.

Effects of Unhealthy Jealousy on the Relationship 

Unhealthy jealous behavior can have serious negative consequences for a relationship and can lead to its demise. Unhealthy jealous behavior can create the following issues in a relationship:

• Loss of trust 
• Defensiveness 
• Increased arguments 
• Worry and anxiety 
• Decreased intimacy

How to Stop Being Jealous

1. Question your jealous feelings 

Before you act on your jealous feelings, reflect on what’s causing you to feel this way. There might be certain things that trigger you. Why? Getting to the root of the jealousy is the first step toward getting it under control.

2. Explore your insecurities 

Are you not feeling good enough? Are you comparing yourself to others? Do you have trust issues? Understand that your insecurities are probably what’s driving you to act this way. 

3. Be honest with your partner

After doing the inner work, share with your partner about why you are feeling this level of jealousy. 

4. Try to see the other side

When jealousy causes you to act out how does it affect your partner and your relationship? Look at it from their perspective. Does your behavior seem fair? Does it make them feel loved? 

Remember that not all jealousy is bad. However, when feelings of jealousy seem to be persistent and destructive to your relationship then therapy is recommended. Oftentimes, individual therapy or couples therapy is necessary for helping to turn unhealthy jealous tendencies into more constructive ones.