“When you know, you know,” they say. But how quickly can you really know? We’ve all heard the success stories of couples meeting and marrying after only a few months or weeks and then living happily ever after. Yes, it can happen, but it’s rare. The truth is that the odds are stacked against you.

The honeymoon phase is real. In the beginning, this new person takes up most of your thoughts and a lot of your time. You’re caught up in those feel-good hormones so you might see nothing but perfection and happy days ahead. So why wouldn’t you want to capitalize on that? You start to picture them meeting the family and your wedding day seems closer than ever before. Imagining what your future child might look like is not uncommon when you feel like you might have found “the one”. You’re excited and happy. And these thoughts are typically harmless. Unless that is you act on it and start planning the wedding or signing that lease with them in the honeymoon phase. You may be putting the cart before the horse.

The problem is that moving too fast can derail a potential relationship. Learn how to slow down and set your relationship up for success by letting things progress more naturally.

Signs and the Potential Red Flags

• Not having important convos
  Are you resisting serious talks? It’s human nature to prefer the fun stuff over the hard conversations. But you can’t skip the important topics like your past, values, family, and finances. Worried that talking about these things will ruin the good thing you have going? That’s a sign that your relationship is moving too swiftly. You need to have tough talks even if they’re uncomfortable or cause tension. If you skate around big issues they will eventually blow up in your face.

• Premature “I love you’s”
  A big red flag is known as “love bombing”. This is when one partner throws out those 3 words too early to show artificial commitment. It’s a way to rope the other person in and gain power and control over them.

• You haven’t fought
  How could a lack of fighting be a bad thing? Well, this is a big indication that you’re still in that honeymoon phase where everything looks rosy. It probably means you’re not ready to make big decisions with them. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. How they argue tells you a lot about your partner.

• Sex is at the center of it
  How much of a role does sex play in your relationship? Sex is powerful. It can blur your judgment and mask red flags. Are you connected emotionally in addition to physically? You can’t know your partner from sex alone and sex alone is not able to sustain a relationship. Remember that sex is only one type of intimacy and others are needed for a healthy relationship.

• You don’t have alone time
  At the start, you may want to spend every waking moment with your significant other. Going to work and spending time with them may be your only two activities.  This is okay to a degree. But do you feel like you don’t have time for important things?  Do you no longer make time for your hobbies and interests? If the answer is yes, you may be investing too much, too soon.

• You just came out of a relationship
  If you recently ended a relationship you might be more willing to jump in and move fast. You might be hurting after a failed relationship, so you seek comfort in another person. People are more vulnerable after a breakup, which makes it easier to connect to a new person and skip important steps in a relationship.
  You may be seeking the same feelings you had with your ex, trying to reach the same level of connection and commitment you had in your previous relationship. That means you’re moving at a warped speed. This is classic rebound behavior.

• There’s a lot of future planning
  Is there a lot of talk about moving in, getting married, or having kids? It’s important to talk about topics like these, but if you’re talking about them as a couple – the house you’ll have together or the kids you’ll have together, it might be time to slow down.

Ignoring friends and family 

“I only have eyes for you” is a sweet sentiment, except when you ignore the other people in your life. 

Canceling plans with family or friends to be with your new partner can mean things are trending toward unhealthy patterns. It’s okay to want to be with them a lot, but it’s not okay to damage relationships with others. It’s all about balance and it’s important to have relationships outside of your romantic one. 

All you see is perfection

On the surface, this can seem like a win, until you remember that no one is perfect. If you haven’t found a pet peeve or something that annoys you, you haven’t been dating long enough. Chances are you’re still wearing rose-tinted glasses because you’re in the honeymoon phase. If you have been dating for a significant amount of time, then your partner might be holding back the real them. 

How to Slow Down When a Relationship is Moving Too Fast?

Every couple is different and therefore moves at a different pace. There isn’t a set of rules determining when each relationship step should be achieved. For example, some couples may be comfortable introducing friends and family after a month or two while others may need more time. 

Can you really know someone in a matter of weeks or months? The short answer is no. 

 This is not to say that time will ruin your reality and you’ll find out they’re actually horrible and your relationship is doomed. But the honeymoon phase alone is at least 3 months long and can last up to a year. During that time you’re compromised by feelings of like or love. Quirks are not yet revealed. Furthermore, scientific research tells us that it takes about 14 months to truly know someone. 

Tips to help you slow down in a relationship:

• Make sure you have time alone 
• Delay the big milestones 
• Trust your gut 
• Take things day by day

How to Make Progress in a Healthy Speed

A healthy relationship develops naturally over time. There’s no need to make big promises early on. It’s an example of how actions speak louder than words. That means simply showing up for the other person, displaying your commitment, and slowly building trust. 

While there isn’t a handbook to follow, a relationship (of any kind) tends to progress in a certain order. There are typically 5 stages. From the first meeting or first date to the stage of long-term commitment. Each one takes time. 

• Talk it out
  The right speed is whatever one you both agree upon. But you can’t know without open communication. Discuss what you’re both comfortable with. Be honest about how you feel. That’s a good rule for anything. So if you feel like things are moving too quickly let them know.

• Find moderation
  They say that distance makes the heart grow fonder. Spending every waking moment together doesn’t allow you to have an outside perspective, appreciate your partner, or grow as an individual. Make sure you’re valuing and nurturing the other relationships in your life. Keep time available for things that are important to you – hobbies and interests.

• Discuss your expectations
  First, you’ll need to know what your relationship expectations are. Know the difference between realistic and unrealistic expectations, and those that are nonnegotiable (trust, respect, etc.). Figure out whether you’d like to plan out your relationship timeline or “see where it goes”.

• Never underestimate the power of dating
  When you fall in love (or extreme like) it might seem reasonable to fast forward to big milestones like moving in, meeting family, and marriage. Instead, give your relationship time to grow organically. Go on dates, and learn about this other person. Married couples of 20 years should still date and continue to learn about each other. People are complicated and ever-changing so it will take a while for you to recognize their traits. Rather than leapfrogging from one big milestone to the next, try to enjoy your time together.

Can Counseling Help You Find the Right Pace?

Couples therapy can be an effective way to slow down a relationship that’s moving too fast. A therapist can assist you in understanding healthy boundaries and determining what each of your boundaries are. Couples therapy will help you improve communication and build trust. Certain types of therapy such as PACT couples therapy and the Gottman Method are most helpful when a relationship is moving too fast.