What is deflecting?

Deflection is a type of defense mechanism. Defense mechanisms are automatic and unconscious ways to protect our ego and keep us from experiencing undesired feelings. When using a defense mechanism, we are not facing the reality of the situation. Defense mechanisms are not always bad. In fact, they can be a useful way to be more productive or increase positivity. They become a harmful way of coping if used in certain situations or if they are used too frequently. 

To deflect is to steer away from the true course. Deflection is avoiding responsibility for one’s actions, thoughts, or feelings by blaming someone or something else. It can occur in any dynamic, but it can be especially harmful if deflecting occurs in a relationship.  

Why do we deflect?

Everyone does it from time to time. We don’t want to look bad and admit our mistakes. We want to protect our pride. Taking the fall for something is not a particularly pleasant feeling, which is why we sometimes avoid it. 

Usually, they will deflect onto the person who is calling them out, the person they need to defend themselves to. But they might shift blame to a third-party person as well. 

Harmful deflection

There are different reasons why someone would deflect. Occasionally, people deflect in situations simply because they don’t want to look bad to others. This can be more common in people with low levels of self-esteem. They may feel guilty about the deflection. 

For others, they will never take the blame for anything considered negative. These people will deflect by any means necessary and will not feel guilty about the harm caused to others. Narcissists are masters of deflection. Deflection doesn’t make someone a narcissist, but people with the condition are constantly deflecting. 

6 Signs Your Partner is Deflecting

Deflecting can take different forms. Here are some examples of deflection in a relationship:

Gaslighting 

This happens when your partner tries to make you look like the problem. So if your partner has done something wrong they may switch up the story to make it about you. When you address the issue with them, they may something like, “you’re being dramatic”. They might bring up something you did in the past to make you feel guilty. Basically, they are trying to switch roles and become the victim.

Projecting

Projection and deflection are almost one and the same. But the difference is that with projection the person is shifting their bad behavior to another person. An example would be if you cheated on your spouse but you accuse your partner of cheating instead. Now you’re getting to be mad at your partner and can cover up your guilt, not allowing your partner the chance to make you feel those unwanted, negative feelings. 

Changing the subject

Your partner may try to distract you or have you forget about the topic at hand in order to avoid responsibility. They may bring up something positive hoping you’ll prefer to talk about that instead.

Not taking responsibility 

When someone is deflecting you’re not going to hear “sorry”. A partner who’s deflecting will not own up to what they’ve said or done. Therefore, they will not admit their fault and apologize.

 Shifting blame 

Deflection is a type of manipulation. In an attempt to evade responsibility, they may get creative, finding a way to point the finger at you instead. If they forgot to do something, they could blame you for not reminding them.  

Verbal Attacking 

Deflection can take the form of a verbal attack through gaslighting or projection. It could also just be an attack on your character. In any shape, this is an attempt to get the attention off of them. This is the uglier sign of deflection, which can be seen more commonly in someone with narcissism.

Moving Beyond Deflecting

How to Deal With a Partner Who’s Deflecting

Use “I” statements

If your partner is deflecting, they’re already on the defensive, so you’ll want to avoid using accusatory statements. Replace “You” with “I”. Instead of “You’re avoiding the situation”, try “I’m trying to talk to you about this because it’s important to me”.

Agree on one topic

Often times people who deflect will try to change the subject to shift attention or blame. If your partner brings up a different topic, agree to explore that later as the two things are separate. For example, they may try to remind you that you spent a lot of money last month when the topic at hand is their lack of communication. Remember that one behavior does not justify or invalidate the other.

Say how you feel 

You want to convey how their deflection affects you but in a way that won’t make them feel like they’re being attacked or should feel ashamed. Be honest with your partner about how that behavior impacts you. This could make them uncomfortable, but skirting around your true feelings is not likely to fix anything.   Realize that you cannot make someone accept responsibility, but open communication is always the best way to go. You may not see a change right away, but if they are aware of their behavior and how it affects someone they love, they can reflect on it, and change is much more possible. 

Bring in outside help

Your partner might be deflecting due to deep, underlying roots. Identifying that can take work. A therapist can help to address it and work on a plan to adopt better coping mechanisms in the future.