Dating While You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex

Whether you’ve re-entered the dating world or you’re seeing someone regularly again, thoughts of your ex can complicate things. Chances are you’re experiencing a full range of emotions. You might feel excited to be dating again and simultaneously resistant because of your last relationship. Whether you like it or not, dating is bound to stir up memories of your most recent relationship. 

Innocent reasons why your ex is coming up:

1. Healthy comparison

Of course, there will be some comparing when a new person takes over the role of your partner. You’d compare your new boss with the old or the new teacher that’s taking over. It’s human nature to look for similarities in differences when someone or something is the “new version”.

2. You had a close bond with them

You shared intimate parts of yourself with that person. A connection like that will make an impact on you, forever. 

3. You shared some good memories together 

Of course, there were good times. It’s normal to think back on those times fondly. 

4. You’re currently seeking some of what you had in the past 

You might be seeing the differences between what you had and what you have now. Try not to get hung up on the fact that this one is different. Instead, embrace the differences it could mean this one will last. And if you’re longing for something you once had, it might be something that needs time. For example, maybe you haven’t felt fully at ease with this new person yet. Remember that that feeling probably took time to emerge with your last relationship too.

What kinds of thoughts are you having?

Thinking about an ex when with someone new can make you feel guilty. It might even feel like you’re entering cheating territory. But whether or not it’s something to be concerned about depends on the details.

 This is the time to decipher what the thoughts of your ex mean. When you think about your ex, how does it make you feel? Can you attribute the lingering thoughts to how long you were together? Are there external reminders of them tied into your daily life – did they live with you in your current home? Do you have kids together? Work together? Do you share a pet?

When you think about your ex, do you:

• Miss the person or the times you shared?
• Miss how they made you feel or how it felt to be in the relationship?
• Feel sad, angry, or disappointed?
• Do the thoughts elicit a physical response – faster heart rate, constricted breathing, inability to concentrate on other things?

Revisit the reasons why you entered your current relationship:

• Were you thinking about your ex regularly when you met your current partner? 
• Did you give yourself time to process and grieve your last relationship? 
• Did you feel like you had closure?
•  Were you seeking things to distract yourself (like burying yourself in work or exercise)?

Don’t romanticize your past relationships

To romanticize is to embellish the good and make something seem better than it actually is. It’s human nature to want to remember the good over the bad. It helps us from having to relive unpleasant memories. Revisiting old happy memories can make us feel good. This is why we are big fans of nostalgia. But we forget that memories are malleable and can be molded to fit what feels better.  

When it comes to romanticizing past relationships we tend to exaggerate the positive memories and block out some of the negative ones.  The problem with romanticizing an ex is that it stops you from getting over them. You forget why your relationship didn’t work out. When your memories are selective and distorted you can start to miss you ex. You may even start thinking you should get back together with them!

Why You’re Still Thinking About Your Ex

There are a variety of reasons why your ex is coming up.

1. You have unresolved feelings 

Confused as to why your feeling things now? A breakup doesn’t have to be recent to elicit emotion from you. You may be experiencing delayed feelings that you didn’t fully process at the time. A new relationship is forcing you to face those thoughts you have tried to tuck away. 

2. You’re simply not ready

This is what’s referred to as a “rebound relationship”. It’s when you enter a new relationship in hopes of masking the negative feelings that were a result of your breakup. 

3. You’re addicted

There’s an addiction that can come from being in a relationship. When you’re in love you experience feel-good chemicals, like dopamine. It can be hard to give that feeling up, so even after the breakup you continue to chase that feeling by revisiting memories of your ex in order to feel good again. The end of a romantic relationship can feel like a sort of withdrawal. Thinking of your ex can give you a low dose of the euphoria you once felt. 

When is thinking about your ex a problem?

You don’t have to be concerned if thoughts of your ex come up from time to time. However,  if you’re thinking of your ex on a regular basis and it’s impacting your new relationship, this could be a sign that something else is going on. 

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Do you usually think about your ex when you’re with your new partner? 
• Do your thoughts of your ex prevent you from enjoying your new relationship?
• Do you bring up your ex to your new partner, or do they suspect you’re not over them? 
• Do you look at your ex’s social media?

How to Stop Thinking About Your Ex, For Good

1. Don’t force it

First, don’t try to push the thoughts of your ex out. This will only make it worse. 

The Pink Elephant Paradox demonstrates how trying to suppress a thought will only make it more intrusive. You might have heard the advice about burying yourself in something as a way to distract yourself from the thoughts of your ex.  However, you could think of this as depriving yourself of your favorite food. It might work for a while but you’ll likely end up binging in the end. You don’t have to feel guilty about the thoughts of your ex. You can’t pretend your past relationship didn’t happen. Allow thoughts to come up. When they do, don’t push them away, but don’t give them too much attention either. Think of these memories as clouds floating by. 

2. Think of your past relationship as a stepping stone

You can’t erase the memories of your ex. If the relationship was painful, you might try to do so. Denying your past simply won’t work. But you can change your mindset, and learn to see the positive side of both having the relationship and ending the relationship. Try to reframe and see your past relationship as a stepping stone to will get you to the next stage of your life. Good or bad, that relationship was a helpful learning experience, one that you can be grateful for. 

3. Remember, you broke up for a reason.

Many people have a sort of “breakup amnesia”. When romanticizing takes hold, your memories are less reliable. You are choosing to forget the bad things from your relationship, including the negative feelings you felt. Sometimes we need help remembering why the relationship wasn’t meant to be. Talk to a friend and ask them to remind you. They witnessed your hurt, your pain. They heard you describe the things they did or said. Sometimes we need an outside source to help jog our memory and untangle unrealistic memories from reality. 

4. Live in the moment. 

Practicing mindfulness is a way to improve all areas of your life. It’s about being fully aware of the sights and sounds around you in the present moment. Meditation is one way to harness this skill. Start small, and go for a mindful walk. Leave your headphones behind, and pay attention to all of your senses. What do you hear, smell, etc.? How does your body feel? Focus on your breath as you walk and observe. 

5. Remember better 

Choose to remember the things about your ex that empower you. Don’t harp on the moments of sadness, or the moments you regret. Choose to remember the times that demonstrate what you deserve or what inspires you to work on yourself. We, humans, are good at selecting memories, so why not select helpful ones?

6. Get help

If thoughts of your ex are holding you back from experiencing a new love, you may have more work to do. The Couples Center has trained therapists who can help you get to a place where you’ve fully let go. They’ll guide you through the process of accepting and also taking what you need to move forward.