What is Sexual Trauma?

Sexual trauma is exposure to any amount of inappropriate sexual behavior that’s caused intense fear and anxiety. It’s also referred to as sexual abuse or sexual violence.  Sexual trauma comes in different forms. There are overt types of sexual trauma such as molestation or rape. But sexual trauma can also be covert such as sexual harassment, and unwanted exposure to sex as a child.

 Sexual trauma can happen to anyone regardless of age, gender, or socioeconomic background. Additionally, an experience of sexual trauma is subjective. What might have felt okay to one person could be deeply disturbing for another. The effects of sexual trauma can be physical, emotional, or psychological and last for a significant period after the sexual encounter has occurred.

Sexual trauma doesn’t necessarily mean you no longer want to have sex. People who’ve experienced sexual trauma may still have regular sex. However, their sexual behavior is undoubtedly changed. The impacts of sexual trauma are not always obvious, especially to other people. 

Symptoms and Effects

Someone who’s experienced sexual trauma may suffer from any of the following:

• Shame 
• Guilt
• Lack of trust 
• Lack of security 
• Feelings of unworthiness 
• PTSD
• Depression
• Anger

How it Impacts Relationships

Someone who’s suffered sexual trauma might have a hard time trusting. Their experience can make them wary that they will be used or abused in some way again. Some victims develop severe anxiety or depression from the trauma. Others will find it hard to open up and be vulnerable. It feels safer to keep walls up. Another impact is not feeling like you are good enough. You may seek constant validation from your partner or worry that they will leave you. Many people with a history of sexual trauma feel unworthy of love.  

Sex After Sexual Trauma

Sexual trauma can negatively impact your relationship with sex in a big way. Not all survivors of sexual trauma stop having or have sex less. In fact, some people increase their sexual activity after sex trauma, but the reasons behind this are unhealthy. It can look different for each person, but there are always changes in sexuality.

Possible sexual impacts include the following:

• Loss of or lowered libido 
• Discomfort with touch (could be specific to certain areas of the body)
• Disturbing flashbacks during sex 
• Specific preferences for sexual activity ex: needing the lights on 
• Difficulty staying in the moment during sex
• Experiencing extreme anxiety or panic attacks during sex 
• Difficulty becoming aroused or reaching climax
• Issues with body image 
• Feeling shame or guilt around sexual activity, especially pleasure

How To Build Intimacy After Sexual Trauma

Know your triggers

Think about the specific things that can bring on your fear or cause flashbacks. Are there types of touch your partner should avoid? Do certain sounds, smells, or textures bring rehash the trauma? Let your partner know if there are positions or words to avoid. 

Create boundaries 

Boundaries help us feel safe. And safety is a foundational need in any relationship. We can’t connect or grow close with our partners if we don’t feel 100% safe. When it comes to sex, realize you have control. You can stop at any point. Come up with a safe word for when you’re feeling uncomfortable. 

Maintain communication 

Keeping constant communication is always important, but even more so in relationships where someone’s experienced sexual trauma. 

Rebuild intimacy with yourself 

Spend time masturbating or just exploring your own body. This will help you know what you like, and dislike, as well as what can be a trigger. Sex alone can be a helpful way to work towards comfortability with a partner after you’ve discovered what your comfort zone is.

Work with a trained therapist

Survivors of sexual trauma should know that what they experienced, the feelings and behavior connected to it, our not their fault. It is possible to overcome the trauma and maintain healthy relationships with other people and with sex in general. Working with a licensed therapist who specializes in sexuality and trauma is the best way to get there. 

How To Support A Partner With Sexual Trauma

It can be hard to know how to navigate the waters with a partner who has sexual trauma. You want to help them, but you’re unsure how.  Because it’s such a sensitive topic, you might be scared you’ll say or do the wrong thing. Simply listening is a powerful way to help. Be a supportive partner, while also understanding you can not be the one to heal them. Healing from sexual trauma is a personal journey, but it can be less difficult with a trusting partner along for the ride.  

Tips for supporting a partner who’s experienced sexual trauma:

• Educate yourself on the impacts of sexual trauma.
• Understand their triggers so you can help harbor a sense of safety for your partner.
• View your partnership as a mutual give and take, where you both support each other in different ways. Remember your partner is not broken. Each person in a relationship has issues to work through. 
• Be patient as your partner goes through the healing process. Be willing to stop sex if your partner feels triggered or anxious. And be understanding if they need a period of time without sex. “No” doesn’t mean no forever. 
• Maintain open communication with your partner, but also be sensitive to their needs and allow them to take a break from talking about it if it becomes too much. 
• Try not to take things personally. Remind yourself that it’s not about you. 
• Ask them what they need! 

Treatment Options

It takes work to remove the negative associations that a survivor of sexual trauma has with intimacy and sex. 

• Simply being in a trusting, close relationship with someone can help with healing. 
• Individual therapy can be highly effective for survivors of sexual trauma. They’ll provide a safe space to unpack your experience and process your emotions so that you can overcome them.  
• To supplement with therapy, a sex coach can bring back your confidence, as they focus specifically on ways to give you the most positive sex life possible. 
• Couples therapy can help your partner understand what you’ve been through and define your roles through the process of healing.