“When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive.” –Alan Paton

You’ve probably held a grudge at some point – maybe it was something small that affected you more than you’d like or something big making resentment seem justifiable. Perhaps it was you who felt guilt or shame. In both cases, lack of forgiveness is the problem. Forgiveness is essential for maintaining and repairing relationships. We’ve all felt the great benefits of forgiveness at some point, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to come by. Many people struggle to forgive others, to forgive themself, or they struggle to ask for forgiveness from others.

What is Forgiveness?

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines forgiveness as the voluntary transformation of your feelings, attitudes, and behavior so that you are no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the person who wronged you. The APA goes on to say that forgiveness is willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed you in some way.

Forgiveness is a conscious decision one makes to let go of resentment. It is an efforted choice. Not something that happens to us.

Forgiveness is a critical part of all relationships, allowing us to maintain and strengthen our bond with that person. Whether it’s the relationship with a parent, sibling, friend, or romantic partner, without forgiveness the relationship can flounder or break. We choose to forgive because we are dedicated to preserving the relationship. Research has linked forgiveness and the quality of relationships. Findings show that the tendency to forgive one’s partner increases relationship satisfaction and improves future conflict.

The Nature of Forgiveness in a Relationship

Research on forgiveness demonstrates the importance it holds in romantic relationships. Why is it such a key player in healthy relationships? Simply put, people are not perfect. We all have flaws, and everyone makes mistakes. While this doesn’t mean we should sit back and tolerate disrespect or abuse, it can benefit us to work on forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting or undermining the hurt you experienced nor does it mean excusing the behavior. Forgiveness means acknowledging the pain and choosing to not let it control your emotions or actions. Forgiveness can be powerful, helping to heal wounds and rebuild trust in a relationship, promoting understanding, empathy, and growth for both people. Forgiveness is built on love. There is no love without forgiveness and no forgiveness without love.

Negative Impacts of Unforgiveness

The opposite of forgiveness is unforgiveness. Unforgiveness is holding onto the anger, sadness, or resentment that comes from being hurt. Unforgiveness is easy, common, and often, understandable. However, it’s also harmful.

Unforgiveness means we are holding on to negative feelings such as bitterness, vengeance, and resentment. With unforgiveness, we may harbor ill feelings toward another person. None of this is productive or will lead to any positive outcomes.

Effects of Unforgiveness on Mental Health

According to Johns Hopkins Medicine, people who don’t forgive others may experience health conditions, such as depression and post-traumatic stress disorder. Resentment can also cause anxiety, emotional dysregulation, mood disorders, self-harm, and even suicidal ideation.

Effects of Unforgiveness on Physical Health

When people don’t forgive, their serotonin levels in the brain are lower than they should be, which can lead to other issues such as obsessive thinking. This can then lead to increased levels of stress hormones (cortisol).

In addition to increased stress, resentment can cause elevated blood pressure, digestive issues, muscle tension, and pain, insomnia, and sleep disorders. Chronic tension can also disable the body’s ability to repair itself, increase inflammation, and lead to more advanced aging.

Feelings of Anger and Resentment

Anger and resentment are two emotions that can be described as relationship killers.

Anger is a primal emotion that when managed appropriately, is perfectly healthy. But when we don’t forgive, and hold on to anger, it brings an array of negative consequences.

The negative consequences of expressing anger inappropriately can:

• Build resentment
• Create walls between partners
• Cause communication to break down
• Lead to emotional flooding
• Cause lapses in judgment
• Undermine trust, respect, and intimacy
• Result in verbal, emotional, or physical abuse

Anger can overwhelm us if we don’t know how to manage it. Some people explode and then criticize, blame, or say hurtful things they later regret. In extreme cases, the anger is abusive. Some people express their anger indirectly, which can become passive-aggressive. The anger comes out indirectly with sarcasm, irritability, silence, or through behavior, such as cold looks, slamming doors, withholding, being late, or even cheating. Alternatively, when feelings of anger are turned inward, it can lead to depression.

Anger generates resentment. Resentment is an attitude stemming from the belief that you were mistreated in some way. It grows out of our inability to forgive and stop our feelings of anger from taking over.

Ways resentment can hurt a relationship:

• Loss of trust
• Growing distance between partners
• Difficulty empathizing
• Harm to well-being, mental health
• Possible divorce or breakup

Resentment gives us the illusion that we have power and control, but in reality, it disempowers us, making us feel like the victim once again. Resentment doesn’t allow you to move forward to fix the issues and reconnect with your partner. If resentment isn’t dealt with it will build a wall that you may not be able to get over.

Process of Forgiving in a Relationship

Forgiving is not the same as condoning or excusing the behavior that hurt you. Forgiveness is not reconciliation, although it is sometimes part of the forgiving process. You’re not forgiving to let the other person off the hook, nor does it mean forgetting about the wrong.

Think of forgiveness as a means to restore your own freedom and improve your well-being. In a romantic relationship choosing to forgive your partner often means repairing the relationship.

Understanding the Hurtful Behavior

Decide if you’re ready

You may want to be ready, but if it’s forced, it won’t be true forgiveness. You’ll still be holding onto the pain. Authenticity is essential.

Acknowledge the pain

The first step is to reflect on this hurtful behavior. This can be painful as it forces you to acknowledge what happened and lean into all the emotions that come from that.

Sort through the feelings

Forgiveness requires preparation. Before you can forgive, you’ll want to try to put all your feelings into words. It’s especially helpful to organize your thoughts before having a forgiveness conversation with your partner.

Role-play as an Offending Partner to Understand Other’s Feelings

Taking your partner’s perspective, aka wearing their shoes, can help you feel compassion and cultivate forgiveness. Try to understand why they did what they did. Ask open-ended questions and learn rather than criticize. Remember the truth in the saying, “Hurt people hurt people”. What were they going through? You can do a role-play exercise where you switch seats and have a conversation acting as the other person.

Acknowledging the Need for Change and Growth

Forgiveness is a holistic journey. Think about the process of forgiveness as an aide to personal growth. When we make the conscious choice to forgive, we release the emotional burdens. In this process of letting go, a remarkable transformation unfolds within us and we experience an inner calm and overall greater happiness.

It can take a lot of work to get to a place of forgiveness, especially if the harm was done by our significant other, someone we love and trust. Before we can forgive, we must practice self-reflection, and put effort into knowing ourselves, and what we truly want.

Practicing Self-Regulation During Difficult Times

Research has confirmed the strong relationship between self-control (cognitive control processes) and forgiveness. Based on the data, the researchers suggest that people with low self-control are more prone to ruminating on negative experiences with others, which in turn makes them angrier, and thus less likely to forgive.

Ways to practice self-regulation:

• Mindful meditation
• Mental breaks and time-outs
• Positive self-talk and positive self-affirmations
• Exercise
• Deep breathing
• Physical exercise
• Journaling

Practicing Compassion Towards Oneself and Their Partner

Sometimes, without even realizing it, we may be holding some of the blame for what happened. We need to have self-compassion and self-forgiveness before we can forgive someone else. Therefore, it’s critical to consider whether self-blame, even partial, is hindering your ability to forgive your partner.

Studies on romantic relationships have found that both parties benefit from an “offending partner” showing self-forgiveness. Similar negatives are experienced when we fail to forgive ourselves, (like anger, resentment, and physical and mental impacts).

One study found that self-punishing and “pseudo-self-forgiving responses”, like with another person, have no real benefits for restoring or repairing a relationship. On the other hand, researchers noted that “genuine self-forgiveness responsibility taking, and self-acceptance while acknowledging failure) is associated with positive restorative outcomes for both the offender and the victim,” as stated in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology.

Reach Out for Help When Needed

A therapist can work with you individually to help you improve your ability to forgive others, also known as interpersonal forgiveness. You may need help processing your emotions so that you’re in the right mindset to forgive.

Couples counseling can improve your ability to understand your partner and help them see your perspective. This will help with empathy and compassion. A third-party professional can give you the tools you need to make a decision as to whether or not you want to stay in the relationship, regardless of forgiveness.

Know That Forgiveness is an Ongoing Process

Understand that forgiveness is often an ongoing process. Even after an important conversation with your partner, where it seems you’ve reached an understanding you may still find yourself battling feelings of resentment. The apology, if any, may have been unsatisfying. Even if the apology felt good you may still see those negative feelings popping up from time to time. When this happens you don’t need to stifle those feelings. Acknowledge the pain as it surfaces, but remember your pledge to forgive. Forgiveness may not come all at once, but by renewing your commitment to forgive you let go of the toxic feelings inside.

After your vow to forgive, there is still work to do. Ways to stay on the path of forgiveness:

• Write a forgiveness note to yourself or to your partner outlining the reasons why you choose to forgive
• List the ways that unforgiveness has negatively impacted you
• See yourself as a forgiving person and remember that’s who you are

Deciding to Let Go and Move On from Unforgivable Acts

Should we always forgive? It might seem that way, but some wrongs are just too big and too damaging to be forgiven. Keep respect for yourself as a priority.

• Have you forgiven them more than once, only for them to repeat that behavior?
• Have they repeatedly failed to respect your boundaries after you made them clear?
• Have they physically or mentally abused you? (Abuse of any kind should not be tolerated.)

Remember that forgiving is not the same as reconciling. It’s important to understand that you can forgive and end the relationship. But the opposite does not work. If the act can’t be forgiven, the relationship cannot survive.