Have the Tough Conversations

Divorce comes with a wide variety of tough conversations. There are the initial and subsequent talks with your spouse, your loved ones, and your children. Deciding how and when to have these discussions helps you remain open, state your wants and needs clearly, and foster the most productive next steps possible.

Approaching the hard topics directly is healthier than avoidance in the long run. By speaking from your authentic self, you are inviting others to either do the same or show up and support you through challenges. Here are the categories of people you will need to speak to for your divorce checklist:

With Your Partner

Deciding when to approach your partner about the idea of divorce is one of the hardest choices you’ll have to make. Considerations such as choosing a neutral location and using healthy communication skills are helpful. Working with a therapist to process emotions around having this conversation can allow you to feel more grounded in the moment.

The state of the relationship is another factor to take into account. If your partner is on a similar page and seems open to working together in the divorce process, talking sooner is preferable. If your partner is not on the same page and you anticipate a challenging response, preparing some of the concrete items on the divorce checklist may be advisable.

With Your Loved Ones

There comes a time when your loved ones will need to know about your divorce. Figuring out when and how to tell them is another difficult part of the process. There may be an opportunity to share the responsibility of telling loved ones if your former partner is open to it. Deciding who will tell who and what you both will say can be a way of creating compromise.

Setting boundaries with loved ones is also necessary. They will likely want to help and have opinions on the situation. Stating what you need, how you would like the news to be handled, and what conversations you will not entertain gives loved ones the opportunity to show up. Your boundaries provide you information on who will be the best core support system for you throughout your divorce.

With Your Children

Children are deeply impacted by divorce. If you and your former partner have children, it is vital to approach them with care. Spend time beforehand deciding what you do and do not want them to know. For example, you may want to let them know that you both love them and are going to do your best to create stability for them. You may not want to let them know about the finer details of the divorce.

Giving children a neutral space to discuss their feelings helps them digest the experience. A therapist experienced with holding space for young people whose parents are divorcing is an excellent option. They will be able to talk openly and receive the understanding they need.

Start the Legal Process

The way divorce is handled on the legal front has a huge impact on your quality of life. A well-handled process can significantly reduce stress levels and mental health concerns. A mismanaged process can be a headache and perpetuate more problems between you and your former partner.

Picking the right legal team and the right legal approach takes care. Although jumping in may feel like making more progress faster, taking your time often leads to more favorable results. Allow yourself space to decide what type of lawyers and what type of outcomes will be best for all involved. Legal items to include on your divorce checklist are:

Define Best Outcomes

As tense as divorce can be, you and your former partner will fare better in avoiding a messy legal process. Settling as much as possible outside of court, attending divorce counseling, and engaging in mediation are ways of defining mutually beneficial outcomes. These outcomes typically surround items such as finances, division of assets, and custody arrangements.

Secure Your Legal Team

There are many different types of divorce lawyers. They have different areas of expertise, amounts of experience, and philosophies on best outcomes. Sit down and make a list of your desires in the legal process (i.e. wanting to settle outside of court or a lawyer who has a smaller caseload). It is best to meet with a few different lawyers to determine who is the best fit and will make the process as stress-free as possible.

Update Legal Documents

Insurance policies, wills, and powers of attorney are common documents that will need to be updated. Be sure to edit or cancel any joint insurance policies so you and your former partner are no longer liable for one another. Depending on the nature of your divorce, you may also want to remove your former partner from your will and/or change your power of attorney in the event of a medical situation.

Gather Personal Information

There may be previously shared personal information that now needs to be private. This can include identification documents, passwords, contact information, and mailing addresses. It is important to define personal information boundaries with your former partner.

Depending on your level of amicability, access to certain types of information can be an emotional or safety risk. Maintaining your own documents also alleviates stress during the legal process and in rebuilding your life. Below is a list of personal information items to add to your divorce checklist:

Social Security Card

Your social security card is one of your most important identifying documents. It is proof of citizenship and is necessary in many areas of life, such as obtaining employment. In separating your information, find a safe place for your social security card that only you are aware of.

Driver’s License or Identification Card – You likely use this one often. Keeping track of your driver’s license or identification card helps you day-to-day and protects your identity. Staying on top of updating your identification card with address changes or name changes helps move the divorce process forward.

Passport

Securing your passport is valuable in the event of having to travel. Your passport also contains pieces of personal information that you will want to keep private. A good rule of thumb is to keep this document with others you have separated out (i.e. your social security card) until you need it.

Proof of Address

Obtaining proof of a residential and mailing address ensures you will receive important communication. This includes communication from your legal team, who will need a place to send divorce-related documents. Proof of address can look like a house title, a lease, or several pieces of mail stating your name.

Proof of Employment

If you are currently employed, proof of employment aids you in meeting your needs. Seeking out living situations, making large purchases, and signing up for social services often requires proof of employment. Proof of employment can look like pay stubs, bank statements, a letter from your employer, or tax documents.

Usernames and Passwords

Your former partner may have had access to some of your digital information. Think about your e-mail addresses, social media pages, online shopping accounts, and phone access codes. Changing and keeping track of these usernames and/or passwords promotes your safety and wellbeing during divorce.

Gather Financial Information

Finances have the potential to be a tense aspect of divorce. You and your former partner may have fought about money before deciding to separate. You may have dissimilar incomes or ideas about how to address concerns. Gathering financial information is a way to start having productive conversations that guide you toward common ground.

Additionally, the financial items on your divorce checklist assist you in understanding your money situation. Knowing where you stand allows you to make savvy choices in regard to bank accounts, investing, living situations, employment, and legal representation. Setting clear boundaries with your former partner around maintaining separate finances is also part of this process. Several items to consider include:

Bank Accounts

Opening individual bank accounts is one of the first steps in being able to divide finances. While you and your former partner may both have had access to shared bank accounts, keeping the account and routing numbers for individual bank accounts private is key. Make sure your future income is set up to be routed to your individual bank account. Developing written agreements about the closing of shared bank accounts is useful in mitigating conflict. The financial institution that houses your bank account may also request a written statement.

Savings Accounts

Much like shared bank accounts, shared savings accounts will need to be divided. The percentage that each of you receive is decided between you and your former partner. Recording these percentages helps with any future discrepancies, legal proceedings, and the documentation required by financial institutions. Opening an individual savings account, in particular a high yield savings account, moves you in the direction of building your own future.

Salary and Tax Documents

You will want your current salary information and tax information for the past several years on hand. These items are useful during events such as securing living situations and applying for loans. Speaking to a tax accountant about any changes needed in tax filing or withholding status is also beneficial. Your employer will be able to provide you with new copies of documents to update, such as your W-4.

Assets

Your assets include any owned outright cars, houses, and/or other items of value. As with division of money, getting agreements around the division of assets in writing helps you and your former partner stay on the same page. If you signed any documents pertaining to money and assets (i.e. a prenuptial agreement) at the start of your marriage, you’ll want to review these with your legal team.

Debts

Unfortunately, ending a marriage doesn’t get you out of all debt. Individual debts, such as your former partner’s student loan debt, will not be your responsibility. However, if you accrued debt together or your name ended up on any debt, you will still be liable. Talking to debt companies about your options, considering settlement, and consulting with a financial advisor are avenues for finding the best way to tackle debt.

Investment Accounts

Handling investment accounts is similar to handling bank accounts, savings accounts, and assets. You’ll want to make sure you have access to shared investment accounts. You and your former partner can either create a written agreement on the separation of investments or sell your investments. The financial institutions involved may ask for a letter detailing these agreements and requesting closure of the accounts. Subsequently opening an individual investment account can help you grow your own wealth.

Retirement Accounts

Most states consider retirement accounts joint property within marriage. This means you may get a portion of the money in these accounts, even if they technically belong to your former partner. It is important to research the laws specific to your area. It is also important to research the taxes and fees that may be associated with early withdrawals from retirement accounts.

Credit Reports

Knowing how to access and monitor your credit report is an important step in maintaining individual finances. Information reported to the three major credit bureaus (Equifax, Transunion, and Experian) can change a lot throughout divorce. Checking your credit report regularly is a way to stay up to date on the impact of separating finances to your credit score.

Seek Social and Emotional Support

Divorce is a life-altering event. Social and emotional support is necessary for your wellbeing as you go through the process. Isolation leads to increased mental health challenges, more undesirable outcomes, and difficulty with moving forward. Although it can be tempting to cut yourself off, choosing to lean into others makes a big difference.

Building relationships separate from those you shared with your former partner can be empowering. Putting yourself out there by finding your close others, engaging in therapy, and investing in yourself is part of creating your new life. The following divorce checklist items are a good place to start:

Identify Core Relationships

During your marriage, your former partner may have become your main support system. Identifying core relationships outside of your marriage is a crucial part of the healing process. These can be relationships with family members, close friends, or community members. Don’t be afraid to ask for help from those who have expressed a desire to show up for you during this difficult time.

Seek Divorce Counseling

A trained therapist can provide you with couples counseling or individual counseling. Couples counseling is useful in improving communication throughout the divorce process, mediating disagreements, and figuring out logistics. Individual counseling is useful for moving through your grief process and redefining your life after divorce. The unconditional positive regard of a mental health professional gives you a space to turn to when you may otherwise be feeling alone.

Join a Support Group

As painful as it is, divorce is a common occurrence. Connecting with others who are going through the same thing as you helps with feeling understood. Having your experience heard and hearing others’ experiences in return can be cathartic. Support groups for divorce have been shown to increase ability to adjust to life after the end of a marriage.

Make Time for Processing Emotions

Building a fulfilling relationship with yourself is equality as important as gathering support from others. This means allowing all of your emotions. Divorce is a rollercoaster. You may feel grief-stricken, upset, and scared in one moment only to have a sense of relief and hopefulness in the next. Feeling better comes from moving through these shifting experiences rather than denying or attempting to change them.

There is no amount of preparation that will cause you to feel truly ready for divorce. A divorce checklist, while helpful, is just the beginning of a lengthy and nuanced process. Having the above items in place will set you up for success in meeting challenges as they arise. Remember to give yourself time, give yourself grace, and honor all that comes up as you enter this new chapter of your life.

If you’d like to learn more about professional help in the form of couples counseling or individual counseling for divorce, the therapists at The Couples Center are here to help.