Why Couples Fight About Money

If money is a source of conflict in your relationship, you’re not alone. Money is a significant source of conflict in 55% of American households.

It’s no surprise that when money is tight, tensions are more likely to rise. However, even couples who are financially comfortable can fight over money. 

On the surface, couples fight about:

• Bills
• Everyday spending
• Credit cards and debt
• Saving vs. spending
• Income and contribution
• Budgeting and tracking 
• Lifestyle choices 

Examples of unhealthy money dynamics in a marriage include:

• Having one partner control all financial decisions.
• There is chronic anxiety or shame around money.
• Arguments about money repeat and are never resolved.
• Secrecy or deception exists. 

The Real Issues Behind Financial Arguments

Money fights in marriage are rarely about money. Even though money continues to be the topic of your fights, your arguments are actually about something more.  

Underneath the arguments about bills and spending, you’ll find the real issues like trust and control. 

Fear of Conflict

Talking about money can be uncomfortable because it’s a loaded topic tied to identity, security, and control. Money can feel especially dangerous to talk aboutk about when your finances are strained. Many partners hide spending or debt to avoid arguments.

Shame or Guilt

Often, a partner is embarrassed by something and is unable to face their partner. They may feel shame and guilt about debt, job-related issues, purchases they’ve made, or financial mistakes. For example, one partner might feel inferior because they make significantly less than their partner. This can make talking about money uncomfortable simply because they don’t contribute as much money to the household. 

Trust 

When you’re not transparent about money with your partner,  it damages trust. Secret spending, undisclosed debt, or private accounts are all forms of betrayal, known as financial infidelity. Whether the hidden amount is $20 dollars or $2000 dollars, financial secrecy damages the foundation of trust between partners.

Feeling Unappreciated 

Fights over money can stem from one person feeling misunderstood or unappreciated. Underneath the judgment about spending, what they really feel is, “You don’t appreciate how hard I work.” Or they could be feeling judged every time they spend. 

Mismatched Values or Priorities 

Couples can differ on big things like the importance of homeownership, school for kids, helping family versus keeping boundaries, etc. Sometimes fighting happens simply because the couple hasn’t had the necessary conversations about these topics, or they assume their partner feels one way. 

Power and/or Control

Money can be tied to power and control. Therefore, fights about money are often really about who has power and control in the relationship. If one person is in charge of the finances, it can feel like they control the relationship decisions, lifestyle, or even the direction of the relationship.

When one person feels controlled, it can quietly create imbalance and breed resentment. 

Your Money Upbringing 

Many people carry with them the beliefs they inherited from childhood. These long-instilled patterns can be difficult to undo. For example, if money was tight growing up, you may fear spending now or even hoard money. Or, if you witnessed your parents fighting over money, you may try to avoid all conversations about money with your partner or shut down when it comes up.  

Financial Pressure

If money is tight, every conversation surrounding money becomes more stressful. Small disagreements are amplified. Anxiety causes harsher word choice and tone. When you’re working with a small budget, little decisions can have big consequences. For example, if someone overspends on just one item that month, it could prevent you from paying off the credit card, which then adds even more debt.

When Different Money Personalities Clash

One of you is a “spender”, and the other is a “saver”. A spender and a saver are operating from very different emotional drivers. Neither is right nor wrong. They just prioritize different things. 

The Saver 

The saver operates with strict financial control. Saving means safety. Therefore, they view their partner’s spending as a threat to their safety. 

The Spender

The other person, the spender, believes life is to be experienced. To them, saving is depriving. Their partner’s desire to save holds them back and feels like control. 

How to Manage Different Money Personalities

Without intervention, the saver-spender dynamic can cause resentment, power struggles, and secrecy or betrayal.  This dynamic can be harmful without first acknowledging the differences and then working to find balance. The saver feels like their partner is being irresponsible and jeapardizing their security. The spender feels that their partner is controlling them and preventing them from enjoying life. 

Instead of trying to make your partner view money the same way you do, you can create a system that honors both approaches. First, work to see the positive in your partner’s perspective. For example, you could see the saver as someone who protects the future. And you could see the spender as someone who protects the quality of life in the present. A healthy balance of both can make for a well-rounded financial relationship. 

Practical Strategies to Talk About Finances Without Fighting

Plan it Out 

Picking the right time to talk about money matters. Money talks rarely go well when they are spontaneous. Plan it out and avoid times when you’re stressed or tired. Make it a regular thing, like a 20-minute check-in once a week, or monthly. 

Remain Emotionally Regulated 

Maintain composure in order to have a productive conversation. Avoid accusatory statements. While you may be unhappy with your partner’s financial decision, yelling and blaming them will only escalate things. 

Share Your “Money Story”

Talk with your partner about where your money beliefs come from. Be curious and ask questions, such as “What was money like growing up in your household?” and “How did you see your parents’ spending habits and how did they impact your own today?” Diving deeper into each other’s backgrounds will decrease judgment and increase empathy. 

Stick to Facts

Sit down with your partner and look at your finances. Pull up your accounts, go over bills, and credit card statements. Try to remain neutral as you discuss what the numbers mean. It’s not a time for blame, but a way to gain knowledge. 

Avoid talking in extremes like “always” and “never”. Phrases like “You never stick to the budget” or “You always criticize my spending” are not productive. Instead, focus on specific behaviors. Refer to the numbers. 

Share Values and Goals 

Come together to find shared values and create goals. This will help to answer the question, “What kind of life are we trying to build together?”  Discuss topics like homeownership, retirement, kids, college, and vacations. Come up with a plan that reflects both of your money personalities, that you both feel comfortable with. 

Create a Budget 

A budget is a practical way to see what you’re working with and create a plan for future spending and saving. Start by writing out all the recurring payments, such as rent, mortgage, tuition, and gym memberships, along with their fixed cost. Next, estimate your essential costs for things like utility bills, groceries, and gas. Add in your income and see what you have remaining. What should you save vs spend based on your financial goals? 

Create “No-Judgement Spending Categories 

Add a “no-questions-asked” category to your budget where each partner can spend a set amount freely. This allows each partner to feel in control but responsible. If you have a “spender-saver dynamic,” it gives the spender the autonomy they desire while allowing the saver predictability. 

Play to Each Other’s Strengths

Chances are, one of you is more of a saver than the other. Let that person handle pieces that require long-term planning or investing. The other partner can be in charge of ensuring that a portion of the earnings is actually enjoyed. 

Moving Forward: Building Financial Harmony

A financial advisor is an expert in the field who can meet with you as a neutral party, providing useful insight. A financial advisor can help you and your partner create shared goals and decide what methods feel comfortable based on your personal money habits and the roles each of you wants to play. 

You and your spouse need to get on the same page about money for the fighting to stop. Continuing on with different financial plans or mismatched spending goals is not sustainable for your relationship nor your bank account.

Creating a Safe Space for Money Conversations

Your fights may be less about money and more about how you communicate. Therapy can help you improve your communication skills, making your discussions more effective. A couples therapist can give you the tools you need to understand your partner’s perspective so that you’re better able to work as a team. You might not hold the exact same beliefs about money, but that’s not what’s most important. Even more crucial to your relationship is understanding how and why your partner operates the way they do around money.