1. You second guess your instincts and decisions

Every relationship has points of disagreement. It is human to hold views that differ from those of your partner. In a healthy relationship, these divides are approached with grace and respect toward each person’s stance. In a relationship where gaslighting is involved, disagreeing feels emotionally unsafe. Your partner might say phrases like, “You have no idea what you’re talking about,” or, “You’re too worked up over this.”

Being led to doubt your reality on a consistent basis leaves a lasting impact. You no longer trust what your gut is telling you about a scenario. You lose confidence in your ability to make a sound choice. The gaslighting you have been exposed to is internalized by way of second guessing yourself, your instincts, and your decisions.

2. Small lies are told often

Gaslighting is often talked about through the lens of big, life-altering lies. A partner who has cheated multiple times or one who hides problematic substance use are two common examples. While these situations do involve gaslighting, it is the more insidious lies that persist over time. People who gaslight tend to tell small lies as a way to exert control and cause you to question yourself.

Caring for someone in a relationship can make it tempting to overlook small lies. Do not treat these moments as harmless. If it is safe to do so, advocate for yourself when you recognize you are being lied to. A partner who cares for you in return will be accountable for their actions and want to examine their patterns. A partner who intentionally gaslights will resist being confronted and will chip away at your self-esteem through denying their behavior.

3. Concerns about behavior are turned around on you

In addition to denying, those who gaslight in relationships are prone to projecting blame for their behavior onto you. This can look like being accusatory around difficult emotions or saying, “I wouldn’t have to _______ if you weren’t so _______.” The root cause of these projections are negative perceptions the gaslighter carries about themselves. You end up bearing the weight of these perceptions due to their inability to process their emotions in a productive way.

Feeling bad about yourself because deep down your partner feels bad about themselves is not a foundation for a healthy relationship. Dynamics of power and control are perpetuated by this type of gaslighting. Education around the various components of power and control can be helpful in breaking the cycle.

4. You are isolated from loved ones

Loved ones are typically the people you confide in. Gaslighting thrives in secrecy, and those who gaslight will prevent you from sharing your experiences. One way this happens is through isolation from anyone that may try to interrupt what is occurring. Signs of isolation include controlling who you can see or talk to, controlling where you go, and limiting your social involvement with others.

The narratives about yourself that gaslighting creates also play into isolation. Doubting your reality leads to a lack of desire to share that reality with others. You might think you will not be believed or that nobody will care enough to help you. Engaging in individual therapy is important at this point, as isolation is likely to lead to mental health challenges such as low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression.

5. Most interactions become lose-lose situations

There is no room for constructive communication when gaslighting is involved. The goal of gaslighting is to plant seeds of doubt that bring up feelings of “going crazy.” Interactions that involve a catch-22, or lose-lose situation, are effective at achieving this goal. Options in these situations all lead to an outcome where you can be shamed for your partner’s emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

It is common to put yourself in double binds after becoming accustomed to this pattern. You might think, “I long to have a community of people, but every time people get close to me I pull away out of fear of not being good enough.” These self-imposed catch-22’s can linger long after a relationship that involves gaslighting is over. Looking at the ways you continue to limit yourself is a crucial part of the healing process.

6. Love is used against you

Phrases such as, “I only did that because I love you,” or, “It’s okay because I love you,” are signs of gaslighting in a relationship. Love becomes a justification rather than a display of affection. The way that detrimental actions are perceived is altered, which might cause you to feel uncertain about speaking up. Doubts about whether or not you know what genuine love feels like can creep in.

Know that genuine love does not feel like dismissal, manipulation, or sabotage. Consider the ways you show love. Consider the love you receive from meaningful friendships. If these do not match up with the love present in your relationship, gaslighting could be at play.

7. Your needs in the relationship are downplayed

Everyone has needs in a relationship. You might enjoy words of affirmation or desire physical touch after a hard day at work. Having dinner started for you when you are running late might make you feel appreciated and loved. Your needs being met is part of building a strong foundation. When gaslighting is involved, it is common to instead be told you are “too needy” or “too much.”

Gaslighting in a relationship also leads to imbalance. Even if your needs go unmet, you are expected to meet your partner’s needs. This brings up feelings of being unimportant. You come to believe that you do not deserve to have your needs met, which causes you to make yourself smaller and smaller.

8. The subject changes frequently

Staying on topic provides too much space for questioning the gashligther’s presentation of events. A partner who is gaslighting is likely to change the subject frequently. The conversation will often move to one where your ideas can be challenged or your thoughts can be controlled. You might be told that, by wanting to remain on the subject at hand, you are hurting the gaslighter in some way.

Disengaging is the best way to deal with this behavior. Attempting to convince the person to see your perspective brings more emotional strain. As difficult as it is to become non-responsive to gaslighting tactics and accusations, it is effective for self-empowerment.

9. Apologies from your partner are off the table

Someone who is gaslighting in a relationship may not believe they are doing anything wrong. It is rare for a gaslighter to take accountability for their behavior. To apologize would be to take away the power and control gained through gaslighting. An apology would also mean having to engage in emotional closeness and healthy relational repair.

It is more likely that you will be the one who ends up apologizing. Since projection is a large part of gaslighting, it is common to be led to believe you should be sorry for the other person’s misdeed. You might even find yourself apologizing preemptively or apologizing to loved ones at times they do not expect.

10. You feel like a hollow version of yourself

Gaslighting wears you down. All of the above signs work together to create a loss of sense of self. You might feel like a hollow version of who you used to be before the relationship. The subtle put-downs dissolve hope that things will improve and that you will feel strong, healthy, and capable again. Gaslighting contributes significantly to registering events as traumatic and to the development of PTSD.

The good news is that, as hopeless as you may feel, there is healing after gaslighting. Re-establishing your sense of who you are is possible. There is also room to break relational patterns in order to help you recognize and maintain healthy connections in the future.

Healing from Gaslighting in a Relationship

The 10 signs of gaslighting in a relationship listed above can aid you in accepting that your relationship contains harmful dynamics. Evaluating where your partner falls on the spectrum of gaslighting is an important next step. A partner who has engaged in limited instances of gaslighting, was unaware of their behavior, and is open to conversation may be able to receive help. Individual and couples therapy is one way to go about this.

It is necessary to be honest with yourself in regard to the severity of your partner’s gaslighting. A partner who engages in gaslighting frequently, is aware of their behavior, and shuts down any conversation falls under a very different category. Therapy processes actually pose danger in this scenario, as therapy skills can be taken home and misused in further gaslighting. Your safety comes first, and it is always advisable to develop a plan for exiting a relationship with a controlling partner.

Healing begins at the end of power and control. When you have exited this type of relationship, you are able to speak your truth about the impact of gaslighting. Many people find catharsis in being able to tell friends, loved ones, and helping professionals what they felt they could not say before. Developing healthy bonds is an excellent way to rewrite your perception of relationships through allowing positive experiences. When you are ready for your next romantic connection, the Core Relationship Desie Quiz can help you define your true relationship needs.