It can be frustrating when your partner refuses couples therapy, especially if you believe it can help your relationship. You might be tempted to give an ultimatum, but this is rarely a successful strategy. Instead, start by asking why. Allow them to share their feelings, thoughts, and beliefs about couples therapy.

As their partner, your job isn’t to judge them or shut down their beliefs (even if they aren’t based on facts). Try to take their perspective and then come together to answer their concerns.

Is It a Red Flag if Someone Refuses to Go To Therapy?

Though disheartening, if your partner refuses to go to couples therapy, it’s not usually a red flag. Their resistance is likely due to a misunderstanding about therapy and its implications for them and their relationship. Therapy can be intimidating, especially if you’ve never participated before and/or know little about it.

However, their refusal could be a concern if the refusal is part of a broader pattern of:

• Disregard for your emotional needs
• Lack of acknowledgment that the relationship needs any help
• Avoidance of accountability or communication
• Refusal to make any changes or compromise over time

The refusal alone is not necessarily a sign of something more serious. It’s just a starting point for a more critical conversation.

Why Your Partner Might Resist Couples Therapy

Out of Date Beliefs About Therapy

Your partner might hold an outdated notion of therapy. Especially, if your partner is from generation X or before, they may have certain ingrained beliefs about therapy that are simply not true.

Worry That Therapy Equals The End

Your partner may believe, thanks to TV or a friend, that couples therapy puts you on the path to divorce (or breakup).

Uncomfortable Sharing Personal Details with A Stranger

This is a common concern – feeling discomfort with the thought of opening up to a stranger.

Fear Of Judgment

Perhaps they already feel guilty or ashamed about some behavior they regret. They may be insecure and don’t like the idea of having all their flaws pointed out, despite that not being the point of therapy. They may see therapy as a chance for their partner and their therapist to gang up on them.

Finances

Your partner may worry about the cost of therapy. While this is a valid concern, many people are unaware of the financial options available for therapy.

How to Encourage Your Partner to Attend Couples Therapy

The best way to encourage your partner to go to couples therapy is to remain empathetic, patient, and open to their concerns.

Here are some ways you can persuade them to go to couples therapy:

First, Connect

Before you breach the subject, get the mood right. You want to connect emotionally with your partner first. That could mean going out to dinner, sharing an activity you both enjoy, or simply watching a movie together. Whatever it is, spend quality time together. Show (and tell) them they matter to you.

Extend An Invitation

Instead of demanding, invite your partner to attend therapy with you. Remember, your partner always has the choice to attend or not. Example script: “I love you, and our relationship is very important to me. I think couples therapy could stop the cycle of fighting we get into and allow us to grow closer and have more fun together. Would you join me in trying therapy?”

Don’t pressure them to decide right then and there. Give them time to consider your invitation. Check in to revisit the idea. If they say no, you can ask more questions and potentially come up with a compromise.

Make It About Your Feelings

Use “I” statements to avoid accusations or sounding confrontational. “I’ve been feeling disconnected lately, and I think talking to someone would make us feel closer”.

Showcase The Positive

Paint therapy as a positive step and not a sign of failure. Assure them that going to therapy doesn’t mean the relationship is broken, but that you care enough to make it better. Point out the benefits you’d like to get out of it. Say something like, “I’d love to learn how to communicate better and solve problems without walking away every time I get upset. What do you think?”

Show Curiosity And Empathy

Ask your partner to share their hesitations about therapy. Practice listening – give your full attention to them. Reflect back what you heard and offer validation. For example, “I’m hearing that you feel it won’t be helpful because we don’t have big problems, is that correct?” After they’ve clarified, you can give them validation by saying something like, “I can see why you’d be hesitant to go to therapy”. Then politely challenge their misconceptions and attempt to ease their fears. Ask follow-up questions and thank them for sharing with you.

Compromise

Compromise is a healthy part of relationships. If your partner remains resistant to couples therapy, come up with an in-between that you both can feel good about. A compromise over couples therapy could look like:

• Agreeing on a trial session: Agree on just one session and then decide from there.
• Letting your partner choose the therapist.
• You both go to therapy, separately
• Reading a relationship book together: Discuss the book and practice the exercises in the book.

Remove Some Of The Unknowns

Sometimes, resistance can be blamed primarily on the fear of the unknown. You can make your partner more comfortable by giving them an idea of what it will be like.

The Couples Center outlines what a typical session entails and details some of the tools and techniques commonly used here. You can schedule a consultation with a therapist who will go over what you can expect in a session and answer initial questions you may have.

Attend Individual Therapy

Meet with a therapist on your own. Not only is individual therapy beneficial for your own mental health, but it could also inspire your partner. Your therapist can also help you find ways to encourage your partner.

Plan It Out

Be mindful about when and where you will approach your partner about couples therapy. It’s not a good idea to bring it up during or immediately after a fight, or at any time when there is stress. Choose a calm moment and a relaxing environment.