Once you have kids, so much changes. For lots of couples, sex is one of the many things that is different post-kids. Namely, couples see a change in the frequency of sex.

In the beginning, there’s sleep deprivation. At least one partner is tasked with feeding the baby throughout the night. The mother is dealing with significant physical changes, and her body is recovering from the colossal task of giving birth. While these initial things will improve over time, the demands of parenting will not go away.

Given all this, it can seem like there’s no other choice but to put sex at the bottom of priorities.
Reasons Why Sex Tends to Decrease After Kids:

• Too Tired
• Overwhelmed/Stressed
• Pain (for mothers)
• Body Changes
• Feeling overstimulated
• Needing alone time
• General demands of parenting

Why is Sex Important Anyway?

If you’re having trouble remembering what all the fuss surrounding sex is about, here’s a refresher.

Sex and Your Relationship

Sex can do wonders for a relationship.

Emotional Bonding

While it’s not the only form of intimacy, sex can be a powerful way to connect and build trust, making you and your partner feel closer to each other (besides in the literal sense).

Enhanced Communication

Communication is beyond important to maintain a healthy relationship. And being sexually intimate can promote better communication in the relationship. Often, sex requires partners to express their needs, desires, and boundaries. The ability to be open can translate to better communication in other areas of the relationship as well.

Increased Satisfaction

Sex can contribute to a higher level of overall satisfaction in the relationship. When partners feel their sexual needs are met, it can lead to greater happiness and fulfillment. It can also help prevent frustrations or resentment within the relationship.

Physical Benefits

Sex is physically beneficial. Besides feeling good, it relieves stress and tension in the body. It can improve sleep, blood circulation, and immunity. It also supports heart health.

Improved Mental Well-Being

When you have sex, your body releases endorphins like dopamine and oxytocin that make you feel good. Studies suggest that regular sex is linked to lower rates of depression.

Does Sex Drive Come Back After Kids?

If you’re a new parent, sex might be the last thing on your mind. This is especially true for mothers. After a baby, your sex drive may have plummeted. At times, it might feel like it’s never coming back.

Sex Drive for Mothers

Sexual desire decreases during pregnancy, and the woman’s sex drive doesn’t tend to bounce back as soon as the baby arrives. For women who’ve given birth, a low sex drive is common postpartum. One of the reasons is the massive hormonal shift that the mother experiences. Fortunately, this is a temporary phase. Most women find that their sex drive returns to what it was pre-pregnancy. However, it can take time to come back. While it varies from woman to woman, most find their libido increases again within a few months.

Breastfeeding mothers might experience a longer delay in the return of their sex drives, as breastfeeding decreases the hormone estrogen. Besides lowering libido, the hormonal changes can cause vaginal dryness.

Sex Drive for Fathers

Men may experience a loss of sex drive for a number of reasons. They may be running on little sleep. They are also dealing with increased responsibility and anxiety. In addition, their head might be filled with concerns over finances, schedules, childcare, etc. All of these impact libido. Some studies show that men experience a dip in testosterone after becoming fathers, which can lower libido.

Other Reasons Why Your Sex Life Can Change After Kids

Logistics

The logistics can make things trickier as well. You might be wondering when you could possibly find the time. For some couples, their bed has kids in it now. Maybe your partner is sharing a twin bed with a toddler. You could be interrupted at any point.

Less Time for Connection

Chances are you have significantly less alone time than you had pre-kids. Less alone time with a partner can mean less sex and emotional closeness. For many people, an emotional connection needs to be present for them to want to have sex.

Change in Attraction or Routine

Seeing your partner in a new parental role can either deepen affection or shift attraction. It will depend on the person and how the partner has adapted to their new role.

How Often is Enough?

You can ask your friends or search online forums to get intel, but in the end, “enough”
sex is completely subjective. One person may feel content with once a month, while another person feels like weekly sex isn’t enough. Issues arise when partners differ on how much sex they need to feel content.

Healthy communication is a must here. You and your partner should be open and honest about your needs right now. If you’ve previously discussed sex, specifically your desired frequency, you’ll need to revisit this topic.

Emily Oster, economist, professor, and author of bestselling parenting books, conducted a survey on sex lives after kids. The data varies based on how old the youngest child in the home is. For couples with a child less than one-year-old, the highest percentage (46%) had sex 1-2 times per month. Compared to couples with kids 5 years and older, the highest percentage of couples (38%) had sex 1-2 times per week. Other things that impacted the data were the parents’ age, sexual orientation, and whether they were married. In conclusion, there are a lot of factors that change how respondents answered the survey.

The survey also looked at feelings of satisfaction towards the frequency of sex. The one strong predictor of satisfaction with the amount of sex is gender. Men are about 16 percentage points more likely to say they feel there is too little sex.

Tips to Improve Your Sex Life

For many couples, their sex life ebbs and flows over the years. The stage you’re in now – whether it be total exhaustion, bedsharing, or something else- is impermanent. Sex might not make the list of priorities right at this given moment, but that doesn’t mean you’re done with it.

The newborn stage is just that, a stage. The same goes for the toddler stage and so on. They won’t be waking you up in the middle of the night forever.

The key to gaining back a healthy sex life is being patient with each other and carving out one-on-one time.

Plan it Out

Before kids, sex may have been spontaneous, whenever the mood struck. Now you might need to be more intentional when it comes to sex. It might not feel sexy to set a date and time for physical intimacy, but it’s a lot sexier than not having sex.

Change the Timing

Before children, sex probably happened before bed most of the time. However, now you know you’ll be exhausted post-9 pm. The advice to “get more sleep” is laughable for parents. Though it is true that sleep is linked to libido.

You may need to shift to morning sex or an “afternoon delight”. Think about when you’re feeling your best and discuss that with your partner. You might need to get creative – nap time.

Shift Your Mindset

It’s okay that things are different. Accepting that can make a huge difference in allowing intimacy back in. Another mindset shift that’s hard for couples and individuals alike to adopt is allowing certain things to take the backseat. It can feel hard to delay a task that seems pressing, but this is a way to allow more one-on-one time. For example, if there are dishes in the sink, let them sit while you and your partner spend time together. After that, you can tackle them together.

Communicate and Then Communicate More

You and your partner should be talking about sex and how you can make it happen. Assuming things will naturally pick up without communication about sex can be a mistake. Put it all out there. Share that you miss having sex with them, but in a way that doesn’t put pressure or make them feel guilty. If you have insecurities, talk about them with your partner. Make a plan for reconnecting. Try to understand where the other person is coming from.

Schedule Quality Time Together

Working on your emotional connection can naturally lead to physical intimacy. Despite obligations and responsibilities, it’s crucial you find the time to be together, just the two of you. It doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as the attention is on each other. Quality time is simply about prioritizing each other and your relationship. It’s important you find time to enjoy (and not forget) the people you are outside of being “mom” and “dad”.

Have a Recurring Date Night

Put a weekly date night on the calendar. If leaving the house seems too difficult these days because you’ll need to secure childcare and more, you can have a date night in the comfort of your own home. What will make it a “date” is ensuring you’re spending quality time doing something outside of what you do every other night.