Overview & Techniques of Discernment Counseling

So if one person is close to certain they want to end the relationship, why would they bother with discernment counseling? Discernment counseling offers a safe place to begin to understand the core issues of the relationship and to fully explore all options. The goal is not to make the relationship work, but to gain clarity. The therapist works with you to get answers to the hard questions and helps to guide you in the right direction.

With discernment counseling, there are four core questions the therapist typically asks in the first session:

1. What happened in the relationship that caused the person (or persons) to consider ending it?
2. What has been done to try to fix the relationship?
3. How (if at all) do children factor into the decision to end the relationship?
4. What were the best times each partner experienced in the relationship?

The therapist will meet with the couple together as well as individually.

Discernment counseling is not forced, so after the initial session, each partner decides if they want to continue.

There are 3 possible routes that the couple could decide on.

1. Status quo

This is basically postponing the decision. The couple is deciding not to make any changes at the moment. The couple may try a separation before coming to a decision. Or maybe one or both people want to participate in individual therapy before coming to a conclusion. The couple may simply want more time.

2. Divorce/breaking up

This path is best when neither of the two is willing to work on the relationship. However, this may still be the correct path if one person is unwilling to make changes and has decided the relationship is unfixable. Since this is the most life-altering decision it’s imperative that the couple has an open discussion about the flaws in the relationship and the willingness to work on those problems.

3. Work to save the relationship

When a couple chooses this option, both people are committing to putting in a lot of effort. This typically looks like the following:

• Establishing a 6-month period to see if the relationship can be saved (often with couple counseling)
• Agreeing to postpone any discussion about divorce or breakup during this period
• Committing to work on yourself individually in addition to the work on the relationship, and participating in individual therapy if need be
• Treating each other with patience and respect
• Being flexible and accommodating with your time and schedule to allow change to take place

This is not a commitment to stay together forever, but rather a decision to take 6-months (or a different amount of time) to make changes that could potentially restore the relationship.

It is not the therapist’s job to tell you which path to take, only you can know which is the right decision for you. The therapist assists you in arriving at that decision together with your partner.

When Do You Need Discernment Counseling

Discernment counseling is for couples who have divorce (or breakup) on the table. And discernment counseling is typically used when one person is moving toward ending the relationship while the other is more interested in making it work. One partner is “leaning out” while the other is “leaning in”.

It’s for any couple in a serious, long-term relationship. It’s for those who’ve been married for years, engaged but unsure of moving forward, unmarried with children, or dating for a while. The length or status of the relationship doesn’t exclude you from the benefits.

How Discernment Counseling is Different from Couples Therapy:

Discernment counseling is a newer technique. It is not couples therapy. Couples therapy is used when both people are interested in working on the relationship. In contrast, discernment counseling is used when one person is “leaning out”, and unsure about the relationship. Therefore, it would be used before couples therapy. 

Previously, couples therapy was used when one of the two people was interested in leaving the relationship. However, in this situation couples therapy is largely unsuccessful. This is because the one considering leaving is not willing to put in the effort required in therapy. With discernment counseling, the couple may agree on the number of sessions beforehand This can help the one leaning out because they’re more willing to accept a short, specified amount of time. And they can choose to stop the counseling at any time.

Discernment counseling is not considered treatment but can be viewed as an assessment process that gives the couple direction. With couples therapy, the goal is to try and save the relationship, but that is not the focus of discernment counseling. Instead, it’s to come to a mutual decision that both people feel at peace with.  

Benefits & Success Rate

There are several benefits to participating in discernment counseling:

Decreased bias

With individual therapy, the therapist is only hearing one side of the story. But in discernment counseling, the relationship is present in the room. This helps reduce unintentional bias.

Helps prevent you from repeating the same mistakes

There’s a reason why 2nd and 3rd marriages have a higher divorce rate. People will continue to repeat the same patterns unless they know what the pattern is and are willing to break that. This is helpful for your current relationship, or (if calling it quits) any future ones.

Assists you in making the best decision

Even if you or your partner is 95% sure they want to end the relationship, there is still room for reconciliation. And if the conclusion is to end the relationship, discernment counseling can provide clarity which will make the hard decision less hard.

Helps you build the path forward

Whether it’s with your partner or on your own, discernment counseling can give you the tools to construct your future.

Success Rate

Unlike traditional couples counseling, discernment counseling does not measure success by the number of marriages (or relationships) saved. Its effectiveness is defined by the level of confidence in the decision that the couple makes together.  Discernment counseling is considered successful when both people have a better understanding of what went wrong in the relationship and how they want to move forward. Given how new this counseling is, specific data is not available yet. However, when used with a trained professional discernment counseling can be highly effective in helping the couple decide the future of their relationship.