What Is a Rebound Relationship?

Is your current relationship considered a “rebound”?

Defining a Rebound Relationship

A rebound relationship is one that begins too quickly after another relationship that wasn’t given sufficient time to process. It is a buffer that helps one person “cope” with a recent long-term relationship.

It’s essential to recognize the subjectivity in this definition. What is “too quickly”? And what is considered “sufficient time” to process? While the common understanding defines rebound relationships as those that closely follow a breakup, the situation is more complex. While “too soon” is most commonly defined as less than three months after the past relationship, it is less about how soon someone begins dating again and more about the why and how they are dating.

The Problem With Rebound Relationships

One of the biggest issues with rebound relationships is that they delay emotional healing. The distraction, aka new relationship, postpones growth. The grief from the previous relationship does not just go away; instead, it compounds. So when the new relationship ends, the grief comes back, sometimes stronger, and stacked on top is a new loss.

Without self-reflection and the necessary healing from their past breakup, the person is bound to repeat the same patterns. Instead of resolving harmful patterns, they are carried into the new relationship. The person is likely to reenact the same attachment dynamics, conflict styles, and unmet needs.

Additionally, the pacing and boundaries of a rebound relationship are off. These relationships move fast emotionally and/or physically. The rapid pacing doesn’t allow time for trust to grow. The relationship lacks a stable foundation on which to build.

Another issue with a rebound relationship is that it serves one person more than the other. There is an unequal balance. One person is essentially using the relationship to help them move on from the previous one, whether they are conscious of that intention or not. The other person, who is not coming off a recent breakup, may believe they are in a genuine relationship with long-lasting potential. Eventually, “the rebounder” will realize they used the other person. This adds feelings of guilt and shame.

Emotional Aftermath of a Breakup

When any relationship ends, especially a long-term one, you’re left with many complicated emotions. Even when the relationship ends amicably or when both partners agree to the breakup, intense emotions will still come up. These emotions, whether it’s sadness, relief, or grief, all need to be processed. This does not happen overnight. It is important that you allow yourself time to cope.

How much time you need depends on the person and how the relationship ended. For example, if the relationship ended due to infidelity or another type of betrayal, it may take more time to confront your feelings. If it was your idea to end the relationship, you might need less time to deal with your feelings, especially if you were unhappy for a while. On the other hand, someone who was blindsided by their partner breaking up with them will likely need more time.

Why Do People Enter a Rebound Relationship?

People enter rebound relationships to avoid dealing with the aftermath of their breakup. A breakup forces you to reflect and turn inwards. It can trigger questions about your role in the breakup, your personal shortcomings, regrettable behavior, etc.

Rather than cope with those uncomfortable, unresolved feelings, you can choose to distract yourself with new, better feelings and emotions, like those that come with the “honeymoon phase”.

Common Signs You (or Your Partner) Might Be in a Rebound Relationship

The following are characteristics of a rebound relationship:

It started too soon after ending a long-term relationship. “Too soon” means that the person still has unresolved or unhealed feelings about their ex.
It moves quickly. There is a strong initial attraction. The relationship may start off hot and heavy, but it is followed by a quick burnout. The initial passion is fueled by the desire to feel wanted, especially if their last relationship ended poorly. The person may be entering a rebound relationship, with insecurities stemming from their last relationship.
There’s a lot of comparing. The new partner is constantly being compared to the ex.
The relationship is shallow. There is a lack of substance, no emotional intimacy. Conversations are surface-level, and there is no planning for the future.

Why Don’t They Last?

Rebound relationships serve as a “Band-Aid” rather than a genuine connection. They feel good at first, but in the end, the person realizes they are not over their ex and were using the new person as a placeholder.

1. One-Sided and Superficial

The new relationship is a distraction, keeping the person from dealing with the aftermath of their breakup. Therefore, they are not invested in the new relationship. There is no genuine effort made to build a strong foundation, maintain trust, and connect emotionally. They cannot be fully open and available for the new partner. Rebounds are built on impulsivity.

2. Extra Baggage

Emotional issues remain unresolved and often spill over into the rebound relationship. The person brings unresolved baggage, like resentment and trust issues, into the new dynamic. They may project feelings from the old relationship into the new one. Their lack of closure will keep them stuck in the past.

3. Unrealistic Expectations

The new partner is held to the standards of their ex, who is likely being idealized. They are constantly comparing the new relationship to the old one. They might even expect their new partner to be perfect and to fix the issues they are carrying over from their past relationship.

4. Self-Serving

Coming off a breakup, the person is seeking dopamine and positive feelings. They want validation and to feel desirable. A new relationship can boost their self-esteem. They are using the new partner to feel good and improve their self-worth. They are motivated by insecurity rather than genuine affection for the new person.

5. Lack of Compatibility

With time, the many incompatibilities become apparent. They realize that you prioritized convenience over honest compatibility. Eventually, they see the absence of shared values or goals.

6. No Future Goals

The person is not planning for the long term with their new partner. The focus is on immediate emotional relief, not on building anything with this person. Passion is prioritized over love. While that can work for some time, it is not sustainable.

Seeing the Relationship for What it is

The rebound relationship can end when either person recognizes the reality of their partnership. The “rebounder” might realize what they are doing and call it quits out of guilt. Or they may no longer be gaining anything from the relationship.

On the other hand, the person who is the rebound may come to their own conclusions first. They might recognize that they are being used (whether intentionally or not). They become fed up that their needs are not being met.

How to Avoid Entering a Rebound Relationship

How can you know that your next relationship is genuine rather than superficial? In short, you have to be emotionally available.

Here are some tips to help you avoid entering into a rebound relationship.

1. Don’t Confuse Attraction and Readiness

Just because you feel attracted to someone, it doesn’t mean you are ready to start a new relationship. You can feel chemistry without being emotionally available.