No one should ever feel as though they have to share every thought they have. Nor should they feel obligated to divulge every crumb of their personal history.

What is Considered Privacy in a Relationship?

There’s no doubt that open communication and closeness are essential for a happy, healthy partnership. However, respecting each other’s privacy is also essential. So, where is the line? What should you share with your partner, and what’s appropriate to keep to yourself? You don’t want to be too forthcoming, but at the same time, you don’t want to keep too much to yourself and come off as secretive. The trick is finding the balance where you share enough to foster a healthy connection, but you still choose to keep some things to yourself to maintain a sense of mystery and individuality within the relationship.

Examples of Privacy in a Relationship

• You keep your phone password-protected.
• You don’t feel obligated to share every message or conversation you have with your friends or family members.
• You take time to do your own thing – hobbies, and social life
• You don’t snoop on your partner’s technology/social media
• You don’t pressure your partner to disclose experiences or thoughts they don’t want to share

Why is Privacy So Important in Relationships?

Protecting privacy means trusting your partner. Privacy can help both people maintain a sense of independence.

Protects Individual Identity

Even in close romantic relationships, each person remains an individual with their own thoughts, experiences, and internal world. Privacy allows partners to maintain a sense of self.

Increases Trust

Respecting your partner’s need for privacy shows that you trust them. This can prevent controlling behavior because you don’t feel the need to monitor or control their actions. Scrutinizing behavior can damage trust and lead to resentment.

Reduces Conflict

There are thoughts and interactions that should remain private, not because they’re harmful, but because they’re a part of self-processing. Examples include venting to a friend or writing in a diary.

Not every private moment needs to be shared. For example, you find your waiter attractive. Do you need to announce that to your partner? Constant and total transparency can create conflict over small, harmless things.

Encourages Emotional Safety

Knowing that you have personal space makes it easier to express yourself openly and honestly. This emotional safety fosters a deeper, more intimate connection with your partner.

Emotional safety does wonders for the self. It can improve mental health by reducing stress, anxiety, and feelings of isolation. Additionally, emotional safety promotes personal growth by encouraging us to take risks and try new things.

Supports Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are essential in any type of relationship, especially romantic partnerships. Respecting each other’s privacy helps to prevent codependency. Privacy also fosters a more balanced and mature connection.

Boundaries

You and your partner may have varying levels of comfort when it comes to what you share. You don’t have to have identical thresholds. However, you do need to know what your partner’s boundaries are so that you can respect them, and vice versa. Communicate openly about your personal boundaries.

Ask each other the following questions:

• What kind of personal space do you need?
• What topics and areas do we want to be open about?
• What do you consider oversharing or under-sharing?

Secrecy vs. Privacy

It can be tricky to navigate the fine line between privacy and secrecy, despite them being two very different things. One can enhance your relationship, while the other can destroy it.

Privacy in Relationships

Every person should have the right to privacy. It is the act of having your individual thoughts, feelings, and experiences that you may not feel compelled to share with anyone else. It includes having boundaries around things like how and when you are accessible. Privacy allows you to have alone time. Privacy is a healthy way to practice your individuality. Privacy promotes mutual respect.

Examples of how privacy is maintained in a romantic relationship:

• Keeping a journal that your partner does not read.
• Having private conversations with family members or friends.
• Meeting privately with a therapist.

Secrecy in Relationships

Secrecy is intentional and driven by fear or manipulation. It is the act of hiding or withholding information from your partner because you know the impact will have consequences. Secrecy is a toxic relationship behavior that can cause significant damage to your relationship because it erodes trust.

Examples of what secrecy is in a romantic relationship:

• Flirting with someone and hiding it.
• Lying about where you’ve been or what you’ve been doing
• Covering up financial problems

What’s Autonomy in a Relationship?

Privacy protects autonomy, an important building block in healthy relationships. Autonomy is self-determination. In a relationship, autonomy means choosing your actions freely, feeling authentic, and behaving in a way that aligns with your wants and values.

In psychology, autonomy is seen as a fundamental human need. It is essential to individual well-being, motivation, and psychological health. In short, autonomy is all about having a choice and a voice.

Is Honesty the Best Policy?

Relationship experts, such as Dr. John Gottman, tend to agree that honesty is the best approach. However, there are conditions to follow. For example, be honest, but not harsh. Brutal honesty should be paired with compassion. Honesty without empathy can be downright cruel.

Subtle aspects, such as timing and tone, are crucial when conveying the truth. Gottman encourages “gentle honesty” instead of harsh truth-telling.

Being honest doesn’t mean your partner needs to know everything, such as all the details of your past relationships or every passing thought you have. Dr. Esther Perel discusses the importance of mystery and autonomy in long-term relationships.

How to be honest in a healthy way:

• Ask yourself this question: Is this honest and helpful?
• Delay disclosing the truth if emotions are high or if the timing isn’t right.
• Use compassionate communication to convey difficult truths in a gentle manner.

Honesty Even When It Hurts

The truth may hurt sometimes, but it’s worth the temporary hurt because it can actually strengthen the relationship in the long term. Alternatively, avoiding honesty, even out of protection, can be more detrimental.

Avoidance can lead to bigger problems: Bottling up feelings or avoiding difficult conversations can lead to resentment and miscommunication down the line. We don’t want to hurt our partner, but even harsh honesty can be both kind and helpful. Here’s why:

• Shows integrity and care: Even if the truth is painful, sharing it shows that you value the relationship enough to be authentic and real with your partner.
• Promotes growth and understanding: Difficult conversations can lead to deeper understanding and growth within the relationship.

Sharing Secrets With Your Partner

Sharing secrets with your partner can be a way to build emotional intimacy. When you choose to share a secret with your partner, you are being vulnerable with them and saying, “I want you to know me,” and “I feel safe with you.”

Sharing details of the uncomfortable period you experienced in high school, for example, helps your partner understand your past. Opening up about the mistakes you made in past relationships promotes transparency.

However, there are nuances. Sometimes, sharing secrets can actually hurt your relationship. Timing, tone, and reason for disclosure really matter. Sharing out of guilt vs. a desire for clarity makes a big difference. Know the difference between sharing to connect and oversharing to gain attention or make yourself feel better in some way.