Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Relationships can look one way and be something very different. Social media does a good job of painting fake pictures. People tend to hide the negative. 

When it comes to being in a relationship, we sometimes put on rose-tinted glasses. The feel-good hormones, such as oxytocin, create a sense of safety and security when being with your partner. 

This love hormone can cause you to ignore negative behavior, leading you to overlook or be blind to a partner’s flaws.

Recognizing the Red Flags

It might be a feeling in your body, a tiny voice in your head, or concern from someone outside your relationship that makes you wonder, is my relationship unhealthy? It can be difficult to take a beat and analyze something that we are a part of, especially if we have become used to it. We might not know what is normal or healthy, unless we take a step back. 

7 Signs That You Are in an Unhealthy Relationship 

1. Control 

Control is an unhealthy dynamic to have in a relationship. It means there is a lack of trust and respect. 

Control can come in many different forms:

• Policing who you can have in your life 
• Extreme jealousy 
• Constant criticism 
• Lack of privacy 
• Micromanagement
• Holding financial authority and/or not allowing joint decisions
• Control implies a power imbalance. It’s sometimes subtle and sometimes abusive.

2. Lack of Accountability 

Does your partner repeatedly shift blame, finding fault somewhere else, usually on you? Do they have a hard time apologizing, or do they offer only meaningless attempts at repair? Do they minimize or dismiss the harm they caused, perhaps making you feel gaslighted? Are they quick to go on the defensive instead of hearing what the issue is? Yes’s to these questions mean that your partner can’t take responsibility. This makes for an unhealthy relationship because conflict can’t truly be resolved, one partner carries the emotional labor, and is treated unfairly. 

3. Constantly Walking on Eggshells 

If you feel on edge, worried, or emotionally exhausted more than you feel calm or supported, something is wrong.  When you can’t be calm around them because you’re always so anxious about them getting upset, the relationship is not healthy. Your partner should not be a reason for stress. Being with your partner should feel good, not stressful.

4. Emotional Rollercoaster 

Roller coasters can be fun, but not when they’re a part of your relationship. An emotional roller coaster means the relationship with your partner is consistently patterned with extreme highs l and extreme lows. You get the really good stuff – like passion and connection, but you’re just as likely to get the bad, like conflict or withdrawal. You never know what’s coming around the corner. The morning was filled with affection and good conversation, but then you took a turn, and now it’s criticism and distance. 

If you’re always up and down, how can you feel secure? 

5. You Feel Drained 

Feeling constantly exhausted by your partner is a red flag. It might mean there is a lot of conflict without repair, a lack of support, or an indication that you are giving much more than you are getting. When you feel drained by the relationship, you can become irritable or resentful. This leads to relationship burnout. Relationships are meant to be a partnership, and though they do require work, they shouldn’t be relentlessly taxing. 

6. You Feel Bad About Yourself 

Feeling worse about yourself is a sign you’re in an unhealthy relationship. A healthy relationship wouldn’t leave you with low self-esteem or questioning your self-worth. Another unhealthy sign is not being able to reveal your true self. You shouldn’t feel the need to mask who you really are because you don’t feel safe enough to reveal your authentic self. 

7. Poor Conflict Resolution

Healthy relationships face conflict head-on. They still fight, but it doesn’t get ugly. Afterwards, there is repair. Conflict in a relationship is not the problem; the issue lies in how conflict is handled. 

Red flags in conflict include:

• Silent treatment
• Avoiding conflict
• Rehashing things from the past
• Name-calling
• Passive aggression
• Contempt

What is an Unhealthy Relationship?

Even in healthy relationships, there are “bad times”. Mistakes are bound to happen, since both people are human. There will be difficult times in a relationship as life transitions occur.  What makes a relationship unhealthy is not the existence of conflict, but the patterns that destroy trust, security, and mutual respect.

An unhealthy relationship is defined more by how it makes the couple feel. 

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both people may feel:

• Unable to freely express their emotions
• Unheard or dismissed
• Blamed instead of understood
• Like they are the only one trying to fix things 
• Less than or devalued 

What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?

In a healthy relationship, words and actions align. There is consistency. Communication is open and honest. Disagreements don’t threaten the bond. Both partners feel safe being themselves. 

When it comes to conflict, there is curiosity over criticism. Each partner wants to understand the other. There are repair attempts, which strengthen the relationship. 

The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships can boil down to connection. An unhealthy relationship consistently erodes connection, whereas a healthy relationship fosters connection between two people and supports the individual.

When to Seek Help

If you’ve recognized unhealthy patterns in your relationship, there is hope. Acknowledging the problems is the first important step. You and your partner can experience a healthier, happier relationship. A couples counselor can help. The couples center has experienced therapists who can give you the tools you need to escape the negative relationship pattern you’ve been stuck in. 

Couples therapy helps by:

• Exposing destructive patterns
• Increasing emotional safety
• Teaching repair and accountability
• Restoring balance and connection