Right off the bat, the answer tends to be a resounding “no”, especially given what’s seen in the movies and on TV. Oh, the drama! But in real life… Yes, there’s a “but” here. It’s actually not that uncommon. Research shows that 60% of people are friends with at least one of their exes.
The usual move is to break up and then become strangers, never to interact again, despite being so intimately close with that person. When you truly think about it, this “normal, expected behavior can seem a little strange. We cared deeply for this person, but it didn’t work out romantically, so we essentially erased them from our lives.
For many of us, trying to preserve a friendship with our former romantic partner feels messy, complicated, and painful. If you want to have a platonic relationship with your ex-partner, while with a new partner, it won’t be easy. But if your intentions are good and your communication is strong, it can work.
Introduction: The “Ex” Factor in New Romance
The question of whether or not it’s okay to be friends depends greatly on the “why”. You have to be very clear about why you want to keep this person in your life.
If you want your cake and to eat it too, you’ll need transparency and acceptance by all parties.
This means your current partner is okay with the friendship. How do you know they are “okay” with it? Strong and constant communication. Regular checks should take place where you assess the pulse and see how they feel now about the dynamic, keeping in mind that their feelings can change. For example, they might have been on board at first, but now they’ve decided they are too uncomfortable with this friendship.
You might have two relationships, one romantic and one romantic, but they can’t be treated equally here. You have to put your romantic relationship before your friendship with your ex. Both people should be made aware of the difference. Your partner should feel like they are the priority.
Understanding the “Why”: Reasons for Maintaining Ex-Friendships
Like most things, knowing the motivation is key to seeing the big picture. While some might be quick to label friendship with an ex “bad”, the reason for doing so is an important piece to understand first.
The reason for your friendship cannot be rooted in any unresolved feelings. There had to have been mutual closure.
Possible, acceptable reasons to stay friends with an ex:
- You have children together: Your marriage or partnership might be over, but parenting is a lifetime commitment. It is in everyone’s best interest to maintain a healthy connection since you will remain in each other’s lives to some degree.
- You like each other: You genuinely like this person, but you found that a romantic relationship was not the right fit. You have a lot in common – shared interests and hobbies. They’re someone you can do X activity with or dive deep into the topic of X with. This can work only if there was true emotional closure. It’s best to meetup with intention, like doing an activity you both enjoy, rather than just a “hangout”.
- You share a friend group: Your social connections overlap, so it makes sense to remain friendly since you will see each other from time to time. This is more about practicality and minimizing drama for others. Therefore, it’s about maintaining respectful civility. Deeper intimacy shouldn’t be a concern. There may be other scenarios where it’s hard to ignore each other, like if you work together.
- You were friends first: Your relationship with your ex began as platonic only. In this case, it might not be as tricky to transition back to “just friends” status. This will be easier the longer you have been friends first. Though now that you have a romantic history, it is not the same. You’ll want to be careful not to fall into the “friends with benefits” trap.
The Potential Pitfalls: Why This Can Be Tricky
Staying friends with your ex while in a relationship comes with many dangers.
A Triange Dynamic
Even though there are only two partners, a third person is still involved. With an ex involved a triangle dynamic is subtly formed. This happens even if nothing inappropriate is taking place. The partner is bound to feel like they are being compared. They may even feel left out at times.
Attachment Bonds
Your ex isn’t just some person from your past. They were once an attachment bond. Losing an attachment bond can be extremely painful. Our brain goes through a type of chemical withdrawal, which takes time. That’s why remaining friends with your ex is so complicated. Contact with an ex can reactivate that bond, even if you felt over them. Depending on your attachment style, this can be a real problem.
Comparison
“Comparison is the thief of joy”. Not only that, but comparison can destroy your romantic relationship. When another person is involved, someone with whom you once shared an intimate relationship, it is hard not to compare them with your current partner. You may unconsciously compare personality traits, conflict or communication styles, or physical intimacy.
Division of Energy
Even without the romantic piece, maintaining the friendship (and ensuring it doesn’t cross boundaries) can be exhausting. Your ex may still rely on you for emotional support. This can mean you have less to give to your partner. Without trying, the emotional intimacy with your ex can compete with the intimacy in your current relationship.
The Crucial Role of Communication: Talking to Your Current Partner
Your partner should never feel left in the dark, especially when an ex is involved. If your partner feels left out of information, resentment can start to build. This is why communication is so important. Without constant communication, they are left to fill in the blanks on their own. This is where scenarios can run wild in their head and suspicion takes over. Not sharing with your partner could be taken as secretive.
To avoid this, you need to maintain constant transparency. This is not about reporting on everything; it’s about making sure your partner feels secure.
Don’t wait for them to wonder and ask about you and your ex. Take the initiative and offer to provide them with that information. When you voluntarily bring up interactions and conversations with your ex, you’re telling your partner, “You come first. I have nothing to hide.”
Establishing Clear Boundaries: The Foundation of a Healthy Dynamic
Boundaries, all relationships need them – from the relationship with your boss to the one with your child. Boundaries are guidelines for what is acceptable behavior. When it comes to keeping a friendship with an ex while in a relationship, boundaries are everything. If you want to keep your ex in your life, you have to be intentional about it.
You’ll want to set expectations with both your partner and your ex, making clear that your partner comes first. One critical boundary to set right off the bat is that all forms of intimacy should be reserved for the partner, and the partner only. While physical intimacy is easily assumed, emotional intimacy should be shared just between partners. This means that your partner should be the one you vent to, process feelings with, and look to for comfort and support.
You’ll also want to set boundaries for communication with your ex. Examples of boundaries to hold with an ex include:
- Not talking to your ex about problems with your partner
- Not getting emotional
- No flirting
- No physical closeness or setting boundaries on what is allowed, e.g., is hugging an okay greeting?
- No late-night messaging
- Meetings with the ex are announced in advance
- Meetings take place in public spaces
- The partner is invited
Remember that boundaries can evolve with time. After boundaries have been established, they should be checked in on.
Questions about boundaries to revisit with your partner:
- “Are you still feeling okay about this?”
- “Has anything changed for you?”
- “Do we need to adjust anything?”
When An Ex Friendship is A Problem: Recognizing Deal-Breakers
When the relationship with the ex negatively impacts the relationship with your partner, it’s a problem. If trust, emotional safety, and attachment security are undermined in any way, it should be a deal-breaker.
Red flags that signal the ex relationship is not working include:
Secrecy
Concealing things from your partner regarding your ex is a serious red flag.
What secrecy looks like:
- Hiding texts or deleting messages with your ex
- Downplaying how often you talk
- Downplaying the connection between you
- Intentionally avoiding talking about interactions you’ve had
- Undermining when your partner asks questions or making them feel bad about their questions
Emotional Intimacy With Your Ex
Anything more than a low level of emotional intimacy with an ex erodes emotional security with your partner.
What emotional intimacy looks like:
- Venting to your ex about your partner
- Allowing them to know more about your world than your partner
- Seeking emotional comfort from them
- Being their primary source of emotional comfort
Unresolved Feelings
If either you or your ex has lingering feelings, the relationship is considered a problem.
What unresolved feelings look like:
- Feeling attracted to the other person
- Having “What if” thoughts
- Feeling jealous when they date someone else
- Flirting
- Urges to become closer physically
Your Ex is Not Respectful of Your Relationship
If your ex does not respect the relationship with your partner, it is an unhealthy dynamic.
What disrespect towards your relationship looks like:
- They criticize your partner
- They violate or ignore boundaries
- They become needy or create drama
- They try to get you to choose them over their partner
Your Partner Consistently Feels Uncomfortable
If your partner is feeling insecure and uneasy about the friendship with your ex, it is a red flag.
- Your partner feels anxious whenever they are brought up
- They feel uneasy around them
- The topic always seems to create conflict
Your Priorities Are Out of Order
You should not be choosing your ex over your partner.
What mixed-up priorities look like:
- Choosing to defend your ex over protecting your partner
- Keeping in contact despite your partner’s unease
- Making exceptions to boundaries to avoid upsetting your ex
- Keeping secrets from your partner
- Disclosing secrets between you and your partner to your ex
Boundaries Become Blurry
Boundaries may have been set initially, but they’ve been slipping since. If the line isn’t clear, the relationship is in a dangerous spot.
What blurred boundaries look like:
- Contact keeps increasing
- Conversations become deeper
- You disclose more to them
- You feel excited with every interaction
You’d be Uncomfortable If Roles Were Reversed
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes and imagine how you would feel.
If your partner was behaving the exact same way with their ex:
- Would you still feel respected?
- Would you feel prioritized?
- Would you feel secure about your relationship?
If the answer is no and negative emotions come up, this is a red flag.
The Current Partner’s Perspective: Managing Your Own Feelings
Your partner is friends with their ex. You love your partner, and you don’t want to seem jealous, especially if they’ve given you no real reason to be. But still, it sometimes feels… uncomfortable. A mix of emotions.
Normal Things to Feel if Your Partner is Friends With Their Ex:
Competition
They’ve known them longer. They shared ___ together. You may know that this person isn’t a true threat, but at the same time, you are aware of the bond they’ve established. There’s no denying they have a shared history, emotional intimacy, and sexual familiarity. It’s only normal to feel like there is some level of competition.
Anxiety
You can trust your partner and still feel anxious about their relationship with their ex. You might experience vigilance whenever they come up. You may wonder what they’ve talked about and analyze the way your partner talks about them.
Feeling Like an Outsider
Your partner and their ex have a shared story that doesn’t include you. So it’s no wonder you feel like an outsider sometimes. They’ve shared inside jokes, memories, people, and milestones together.
You might wonder, is this “okay”? “Should I just tell them no?” Only you can answer that question. To arrive at an answer you feel good about, simply ask yourself, “Do I feel chosen, prioritized, and emotionally safe?”
If the answer is yes, the friendship is likely fine. On the other hand, if the answer is no, you’ll need to decide what you want and address the dynamic with your partner.
Conclusion: Prioritizing Your Current Relationship
The question that we must go back to when determining whether it’s acceptable to be friends with an ex is whether doing so undermines your relationship with your partner. That question will need to be revisited again and again. Instead of assuming all is well because it appears that way, you’ll need to talk to your partner and get a good understanding of how they feel.
Whether or not it’s okay to remain friends with an ex is personal and not a one-size-fits-all answer. Your reasons for keeping them in your life should feel good to you and your partner. Clear boundaries are critical. The relationship has to be thoughtout and deliberate. And unlike your other romantic relationships, this one should not take priority or remain private.
