Marriage Between Spouses Professing Different Religions

Interfaith marriages, marriages between partners with differing religious backgrounds, are becoming more common. One-quarter of married adults are in religiously mixed marriages, and that amount is continuing to rise.

Interfaith relationships can flourish like any other relationship, but intentionality is key. The intention should not be to convince or persuade the other person. The aim is to respect and honor your differences. Approach your dissimilarities with interest and curiosity. Leave your assumptions at the door and explore what their faith means for them.

Can An Interfaith Relationship Work?

Interfaith relationships can absolutely work as long as differences are acknowledged, explored, and celebrated. Pretending that all religions are the same will not work. When it comes down to it, “religious differences may not be all that different from the other differences every couple must navigate”, says Professor of religion at Boston University, Stephen Prothero. Every marriage, every relationship could be considered a mixed relationship to some degree, since we all come from different backgrounds. Interfaith couples who are dedicated to open, honest communication and willing to seek help when obstacles arise can experience a satisfying long-term relationship.

Communication Tips for Interfaith Couples

Be Proactive

Don’t wait for conflict to force you to discuss topics you were avoiding. Discuss your beliefs, values, and practices early and often.

Listen Without An Agenda

Hear what your partner has to say about their religion and how they practice it because you truly want to know. Not because you want to change their beliefs. Remember that your partner’s beliefs are not a threat to your own. Both can exist in harmony.

Use “I” Statements

Share how you feel without assigning blame. For example, “I feel confused about how you want to celebrate this holiday,” instead of “You’re being stubborn about your religion.”

Create Unity

Identify the shared values that you both hold. Discuss core values like kindness, honesty, and loyalty. Come up with new traditions and rituals that honor both people’s faiths or that feel meaningful to you as a couple.

Mistakes Interfaith Couples Make

The success of an Interfaith relationship (and really any relationship) has to do with the effort that’s put in.

Not Acknowledging Your Differences

Some people adopt an overly positive, unrealistic view that if there is love, nothing can get in the way. This is an excuse to ignore significant barriers to a long-lasting relationship.

Failing To Have A “Safe Space”

Another mistake people in interfaith relationships make is not having a safe place for open, honest discussion about their faith. It’s important that couples feel secure enough to have conversations about what they believe and why, for example, without feeling judged. If you don’t, you will remain unaware of your partner’s faith. You may continue to avoid topics or offend your partner, without even trying to.

You Haven’t Explored What Your Religion Means To You

You may need to do some self-discovery and determine what your religion means to you. If you’re uncertain about your own beliefs and level of commitment, it’s hard to communicate them to your partner. Without a firm grasp of your beliefs and boundaries, it will be difficult to compromise with your partner effectively.

Keeping Your Relationship A Secret

Be honest with your family, even if that means uncomfortable feelings and/or conflict. Hiding your relationship can have negative consequences on both your personal well-being and the health of the relationship itself.

Not Addressing Faith-Based Decisions Early On

Don’t wait for conflict to force you to discuss topics you were avoiding. Discuss your beliefs, values, and practices early and often.

Listen Without An Agenda

Not facing potential challenges at the early stages of the relationship can lead to serious issues in the future. Topics like marriage and children are unavoidable when we consider that many of life’s most significant milestones are intertwined with religious tradition.

It may feel too early or too much to address subjects like this at the start of a new relationship. However, for mixed-faith couples, tackling the big questions early on can help to determine future compatibility and long-term success.

Challenges

Interfaith relationships face many of the same challenges as other relationships. However, some challenges are unique to navigating two different religions. These challenges are usually connected to deeply held beliefs, personal identity, and familial commitment

Pressure From Family

When it comes to interfaith couples, the family has a lot to say. There is criticism and unsolicited advice. Tension is high at family gatherings. Family members may disapprove or push for the other partner to convert.

Views On Raising Children

Interfaith couples may have trouble coming to an agreement on how they want their kids to be raised in religion. There may be differing views on ceremonies, education, and rites of passage, as well as overall parenting views and gender roles.

Holidays And Rituals

How to celebrate holidays and honor rituals can be a point of contention, especially if they are not communicated and planned for beforehand.

Clashing Worldviews

Conflicts are bound to arise when there are separate ideas about God, the afterlife, or other big ideas.

Forcing Beliefs Upon The Other Person

Power imbalances are more likely if one partner is more devout and the other is more flexible or secular.

Communication Styles

In any type of relationship, differing communication styles can prove challenging. In interfaith relationships, communication differences can be amplified by other distinctions. Some religions/cultures encourage a direct dialogue, while others see confrontation as disrespectful.

Lifestyle Differences

Different religions come with different lifestyles. Partners may disagree on practical lifestyle choices like how to eat, how to dress, whether and how to observe a day of rest. Financial decisions like tithing and donations can also prove challenging.

Internal Struggles

It can be hard to find the balance between compromising with your partner and compromising your identity. Are you giving up daily rituals, ceremonies, or beliefs that make you who you are? If you’re considering converting, recognize whether it is to appease your partner or because you are passionate about the religion and feel a connection to it.

Assumptions And Misunderstandings

A lack of knowledge about the other person’s faith leads to that person feeling misunderstood. Assuming you know enough about their religion and thus what your partner would want in a situation can lead to conflict. When one partner presumes that their way is the default way, the other person is left feeling unheard, alone, and even taken advantage of.

Finding Help

Discussing your faith is deeply personal. Therefore, it can feel uncomfortable. Your differences may seem insurmountable, but you don’t have to navigate them alone. Couples therapy can benefit interfaith relationships in many ways.

How therapy can benefit your interfaith relationship:

Facilitates productive communication

A therapist can help each partner express their beliefs, values, and concerns. They ensure an environment of respect, free of judgment.

Active Listening

You can gain skills to truly hear and understand each other, especially when you hold different beliefs. You can become more aware of your partner’s perspective.

Identifying Core Beliefs And Values

Therapy can help each partner identify which religious or values are most important and where there’s room for flexibility. A therapist can also help you find common ground and shared values, which can form the basis of a strong foundation.

Boundaries And Healthy Expectations

You can learn how to manage outside pressures (from family, society, etc.). A trained therapist can help you practice responses to invasive questions or comments of disapproval.

Dealing with conflict

You can learn which subjects or behaviors trigger conflict and then establish healthier ways to manage them. You can gain conflict resolution tools, such as navigating disagreements without going on the defensive, putting the other person down, or stonewalling.

Supporting both religions

A therapist will help you appreciate both religions rather than picking just one. They can help you find a healthy blend of both that feels right to you.

Take the next step and set yourself up for a satisfying interfaith relationship. Meet with an experienced relationship therapist who has advanced training in couples counseling, marriage therapy, and premarital counseling.