Sex drives can differ from person to person. Sex drives can also change over time. There is no “right” or “wrong” type of sex drive, only different. There’s a lot that can impact one’s sex drive, from mental conditions to age.

Types of Sex Drive

Sex drives don’t only come in “high” or “low”, though these are what most people think of. It’s good to be familiar with all of the types, especially when it comes to identifying your own and your partner’s sex drive.

High Sex Drive

A high sex drive means you have frequent thoughts, desires, and urges about and for sex. A high sex drive can be influenced by high levels of testosterone, psychological factors like one’s mental state, or lifestyle (quality sleep, exercise, etc., or urges from substance use). High sexual desire can be perfectly healthy or problematic if it’s compulsive and/or interferes with everyday life.

Low Sex Drive

The opposite of a high sex drive is a low, or hyposexual, drive. A person with this type of libido has little to no interest in sex. There are a number of factors that can cause this. Examples include hormones, stress, trauma, and medications.

What might seem like a mismatch in “high” versus “low” sex drive might actually be a mismatch in style of desire; “spontaneous” versus “responsive”.

Spontaneous Sex Drive

This is an instant, seemingly out-of-the-blue desire. We see it depicted in movies and TV as if it’s the only type of sex drive. Spontaneous sex drive is more common in men, though not exclusively. With this type of sudden desire, it comes on without external stimulation or emotional intimacy. A mere thought can bring on the urge for sex.

Responsive Sex Drive

This type of desire comes about in response to arousal, pleasurable stimuli, or something sexually relevant. It’s more common in women and in long-term relationships. Someone who doesn’t initiate sex nor thinks much about it, but responds to their partner’s advances, may have a responsive sex drive.

Contextual Sex Drive

Here, sex drive is highly dependent on circumstances, such as feeling safe, respected, or emotionally connected. A person could feel stimulated, but if the environment and circumstances aren’t sufficient, their sexual desire cannot come through.

Emotional Sex Drive

Someone with an emotional sex drive is sexually motivated by an emotional connection. If you have an emotional sex drive, you may not feel sexual attraction unless you have an emotional connection first. This could involve feelings of love or a deep sense of intimacy.

People who identify as demisexual have an emotional sex drive (though you can have an emotional sex drive without being demisexual).

Asexual vs. Nonsexual Desire:

Asexual and nonsexual are often used interchangeably, but they have separate meanings. Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction, whereas low libido is a condition marked by a reduced interest in sexual activity.

What Can Affect Sex Drive?

It’s more complicated than “not feeling it”. So many things can affect someone’s sex drive.

Reasons for a Lower Sex Drive

• Stress, Anxiety, or Depression
• Hormonal changes (e.g., menopause, birth control, low testosterone)
• Relationship issues (unresolved conflict, emotional distance)
• Physical health (chronic illness, medication side effects)

Past trauma or negative experiences with sex

The sexual issues impacting a woman are different from those affecting a man.

Conditions Affecting a Woman’s Libido

Some of the medical conditions that can cause a woman’s sex drive to lessen include:

• Menopause: Menopause causes a drop in sex hormones
• Dyspareunia: Genital pain that occurs before, during, or after sexual intercourse
• Vaginismus: The involuntary clamping or spasm of the vaginal muscles, making penetration difficult
• Pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding: All of these include significant changes in hormone levels
• Temporary conditions: Certain infections, such as thrush or urinary tract infections (UTI), can make sex uncomfortable
• Reproductive health conditions: Conditions like endometriosis, PMS, and polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) can all negatively impact libido
• Problems climaxing: The woman cannot reach orgasm or reach it within the time wanted by her and her partner.

Conditions Affecting a Man’s Libido

Some of the medical conditions that can cause a man’s sex drive to lessen include:

• Hormone changes: As a man ages, his testosterone levels slowly fall, which some researchers think is linked to a lessened libido
• Impotence: not being able to achieve or maintain an erection needed for sex
• Premature ejaculation: a lack of control over ejaculation, causing it to happen sooner than the man or his partner would want
• Impaired ejaculation: Not being able to reach orgasm.

How Can Mismatched Sex Drive Affect Relationships?

Mismatched sexual desire can significantly impact a relationship. In fact, it’s one of the most common reasons why couples go to therapy. Among other things, mismatched sex drives can cause emotional consequences, communication problems, and a decrease in overall intimacy.

Here are some ways mismatched libidos can affect a relationship:

Resentment:

Both partners are operating with unmet needs. The partner with a higher libido may feel neglected or undesired, while the one with the lower libido may feel pressured or inadequate.

Guilt or Shame:

The partner with a higher libido may feel guilty because they feel bad for wanting sex so much. They may feel like something is wrong with them for wanting more sex, or they may worry that they’re needy. The partner with the lower libido may feel guilty for not satisfying their partner’s sexual desires. They may think there is something inherently wrong with them.

Misunderstandings:

If the mismatch is not addressed, assumptions are made. For example, the person with the higher sex drive may assume their partner no longer finds them attractive, or even that they are satisfying their sexual needs with someone else. On the other hand, the person with lower libido may make assumptions like, “All they care about is sex,” or “They don’t care about why my sex drive is low”.

Low Self-Esteem:

The higher desire partner may perceive their partner’s ​​ lower sexual interest as a lack of attraction. They may see it as a rejection of who they are, which can erode self-confidence. Self-worth is often equated with being wanted. The other partner may be suffering from their own declining self-esteem as they view themself as flawed or a bad partner.

All of these issues can be managed with open and honest communication.

How to Deal with a Partner with Low Sex Drive

First, if your partner’s lower sex drive is a concern for you, talk about it. Approach the conversation with curiosity, rather than blame. The focus should be on understanding each other’s perspectives. Explore potential causes together. Ask questions to learn more. Be empathetic as they express vulnerability to you.

Can a Relationship Work with Two Different Sex Drives?

It may feel like you’re on different pages in the intimacy department, but operating with different sex drives doesn’t have to be problematic. The key to making it work is communication, empathy, and prioritizing each other’s needs.

You and your partner won’t align on everything. Sexual drive might be one of those things where you differ.

Maybe your libidos were quite similar, but that changed over time since libidos can fluctuate. Know that having mismatched libidos is extremely common. The discrepancy doesn’t have to be a big problem. Waiting for your and your partner’s desires to line up perfectly could mean waiting a long time. Instead, you can learn to manage the difference.

The first step is usually to address it. Talk about where you differ with sensitivity and respect. You might need to compromise a bit and meet each other in the middle. Remember that sex is not limited to penetration. Seek out a sex therapist who can help you discover a place where you both feel comfortable and satisfied.

Here are some strategies to help manage the mismatch:

Talk About It, Regularly

A one-and-done conversation won’t cut it. You’ll need regular dialogue where both of you feel safe to express needs, frustrations, and desires without judgment.

Use “I” statements to express yourself. Instead of saying, “You never want sex.” (blame). Replace that with “I feel disconnected from you when we go a long time without intimacy (vulnerability).

Understand the “Why”

Uncover what drives your drive. Figure out what could be holding one of you back. can be mental, physical, or both. Libido can be influenced by stress, health, hormones, emotional connection, and past experiences.

Therapy Can Help

A couples therapist can help you and your partner explore deeper emotional, psychological, or relational issues that may be causing the mismatch. Therapy can also be helpful if resentment, shame, or past trauma is getting in the way of intimacy.

An imbalance in desire can cause conflict or distance in a relationship. A couples counselor can help you communicate and can offer advice on how to manage your mismatched libidos. You may also want to consider a sex therapist who specializes in these situations.