Having curiosity and openness allows you to see what’s really going on for your partner.

In my previous article, I introduced the key step that masters of “the dance” of loving relationship sum up as turning toward. In part two of this series, l invite you to consider what this might look like, and offer one way to do it.

When I was a teenager, I read Eric Fromm’s The Art of Loving. This was the first time I’d heard someone describe love as bringing attention to someone. Decades later, the research is proving this to be true. By loving our partners this way, we are in a position to dance with them. In relationship there are countless behaviors that “turn toward,” just as there are endless things that we can do once we engage in anything with our full attention.

However, if you’re like me, you want to know specifically what to do here. What’s the quality of that attention that I turn toward my partner? And what do I do now that I’m facing my beloved?

What I can do is show my partner that I want to “see” them at this moment.

Dr. Daniel Siegel offers a simple yet useful map for turning toward your beloved in The Mindful Brain. Since we’ve all survived the recent holiday season, I want to offer you this neuroscience-informed map in the form of a relevant (if silly) acronym that Siegel uses to describe the behaviors of secure bonding: COAL.

Unlike the stuff Santa puts in your stocking when you’ve been bad, this COAL may actually be the best gift ever:

Curiosity,
Openness, and
Acceptance equals
Love.