Lack of focus, trouble listening, and paying attention. Being easily distracted and disorganized. Frequently forgetting and losing things. These are just some of the symptoms of people who suffer from the common mental disorder known as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. It’s estimated that adult ADHD affects more than 8 million adults (or up to 5% of Americans). Many of those people aren’t aware they have it. Studies suggest only 20% of people know they have it. For those who are aware, only about a quarter of them are getting treatment.

What is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)?

The National Institute of Mental Health describes attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) as “marked by an ongoing pattern of inattention and/or hyperactivity-impulsivity that interferes with functioning or development. It usually begins in childhood and often persists into adulthood. More than 75% of children with ADHD will continue to have it as an adult.

An ADHD brain has a harder time concentrating than a neurotypical brain. It tends to either hyper focus(be in a daydream-like state) or hyperfocus (a state of intense focus on a single subject, and nothing else). Because they are easily distracted it can appear as if they are not interested in their partner. This, paired with other behaviors such as disorganization, forgetfulness, and being late, can lead to resentment from their partner.

Genes and Gender

Genes play a big role in ADHD. Studies show that if you have ADHD, your children have about a 35% chance of acquiring it. And if a child has it, there’s a 50% likelihood that one of their parents does as well.

13% of men are diagnosed with ADHD, and just 4.2 percent of women are diagnosed. Males tend to exhibit hyperactive symptoms that may be bothersome and disruptive to others. Because their symptoms are more recognizable they tend to receive a diagnosis earlier than females. Since ADHD symptoms are less overt in females, experts are more likely to diagnose them with personality or internalizing disorders, further delaying diagnosis and treatment. In fact, A 2018 study found that ADHD risk is more likely to manifest or be diagnosed as anxiety or depression in females.

Symptoms of ADHD

The symptoms of ADHD can negatively affect one’s day-to-day life, causing problems at work and in relationships (among other things).

There’s no test to diagnose someone with ADHD. Rather, doctors perform a detailed assessment for diagnosis based on the following:

• A physical exam, which can help rule out other possible causes for the symptoms
• A series of interviews with you
• Interviews or reports from other significant people, such as partners or parents

There are three main kinds of ADHD: inattentive, hyperactive-impulsive, and combined inattentive and hyperactive-impulsive.

People with ADHD experience a constant pattern of symptoms such as:

Inattention

Inattention from ADHD causes people and things to be neglected. Inattention means the person has trouble paying attention to details, is easily distracted, and often has trouble organizing or finishing tasks. They often forget routine chores like paying bills on time or returning phone calls.

Signs of Inattention:

• Daydreams and becomes easily distracted
• Misses important details or makes careless mistakes
• Becomes bored quickly and has a hard time staying focused
• Has trouble getting organized (ie. loses phone or glasses and/or keeps living spaces messy and cluttered)
• Doesn’t seem to listen when spoken to
• Avoids tasks that require a lot of focus
• Is forgetful in day-to-day activities
• Has trouble following instructions and often shifts from task to task without finishing anything (unsuccessful multitasking)

Hyperactivity

Hyperactivity in adults looks like too much energy. It may mean extreme restlessness or talking too much.

Signs of Hyperactivity:

• Experiencing extreme restlessness, difficulty sitting still for extended periods, and/or wearing others out with one’s activity.
• Fidgeting or tapping hands or feet or squirming in the seat.
• Being unable to engage quietly in leisure activities.
• Talking excessively.
• Answering questions before they are asked completely.

Impulsivity

Impulsivity means a person may act without thinking or have difficulty with self-control.

Signs of Impulsivity:

• Interrupting others
• Making big decisions too quickly
• Acting out of the desire for immediate rewards/inability to delay gratification
• Being unable to wait

How Does ADHD Affect Relationships?

Many people with ADHD have trouble regulating their emotions. They may be quick to anger and find it difficult to discuss things calmly, especially in times of conflict.

Individuals with ADHD use dysfunctional conflict resolution styles more frequently in their marriages, according to research. Those with ADHD are often distracted, which can leave their partner feeling uncared for. It appears that words go in one ear and out the other. “Are you even listening?”, asks the partner. People with ADHD tend to act impulsively, which can affect communication. They may interrupt you when you talk, eager to say aloud whatever new thought enters their mind. It can be difficult to follow them when their train of thought jumps around.

Their communication issues are not because of defiance or lack of comprehension. Although the neglectful behavior is not intentional it’s hard for others not to see it that way. Partners may be especially offended by their forgetfulness. Their partners may take their distractability personally.

Time Management Problems

People with ADHD think about time differently. ADHD greatly affects someone’s ability to manage their time. In particular, Children and Adults with Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (CHADD) describes those with ADHD having issues with:

• Initiation – Getting started on something, often without direction and lots of reminders
• Sustained Attention – Directing attention and resisting distractions when faced with a task
• Goal-Oriented Persistence – Setting a goal, staying focused on relevant tasks, and sticking with them over time; being able to return to the task right after an interruption

Reckless Behavior and Emotional Dysregulation

Individuals with ADHD tend to engage deliberately in behaviors that place them at risk for negative outcomes including smoking, substance abuse, dangerous driving, gambling, and unprotected sex. The attraction to risky behavior appears to be linked to the perceptions of benefits from the behavior, according to a study. This highlights the desire for immediate gratification in those with ADHD.

Intimate Relationships and Sex Lives Affected by ADHD

ADHD can have a negative effect on someone’s overall sexual health, significantly impacting their romantic relationships. Individuals with ADHD report more sexual desire, more masturbation frequency, less sexual satisfaction, and more sexual dysfunctions than the general population, according to research.
In fact, 40% of men and women have been found to have some form of sexual disorder.

The specific impacts will vary. For example, some people experience hypersexuality while others report having the opposite problem. A 2019 study indicated that people with ADHD often reported experiencing hypersexuality such as excessive pornography consumption. Alternatively, some people experience hyposexuality, a significantly lower level of interest or involvement in sexual activity. This may be attributed to the symptoms of ADHD or it may be the effect of medications used to treat those symptoms. Research has found that people with ADHD may have less sexual satisfaction in partnered sexual experiences, which may be due to their minds continually wandering.

Some of the most common ways ADHD can affect sexual intimacy include:

• Low libido
• Hypersexuality
• Lack of concentration during sex
• Sensory issues (dislike being touched)
• Inability to reach orgasm due to lack of focus or from medication
• Mood changes impacting sex drive

Treatment Options for Individuals with ADHD

Treatment for ADHD typically involves medication, education, skills training, and therapy. Untreated ADHD can lead to the termination of marriages. A combination of all of these is most effective. While these things can help, there is no cure for ADHD. It will likely take time for the individual to find the treatment plan that works best. As for medication, stimulants are most commonly prescribed to those with ADHD.

Professional Help through Therapy

Adding psychotherapy to an ADHD treatment plan may help individuals better cope with daily challenges. Therapy can be especially helpful if ADHD occurs alongside other mental disorders, such as anxiety or depression.

Types of psychotherapy like cognitive behavioral therapy, might help an individual with ADHD become more aware of attention and concentration challenges and help them with skills that can improve the organization of time and space. The therapist might help them break down large tasks into smaller, more manageable steps, for example. Psychotherapy can also help adults with ADHD gain confidence and control impulsive and risky behaviors such as substance use, smoking, or reckless driving.

Even with treatment, ADHD will remain a part of your relationship, but it doesn’t have to be a negative thing. Couples therapy is an effective way to help you understand each other better. You’ll navigate as a team. Your therapist will assist you in uncovering new approaches that can lessen misunderstandings and miscommunication.

Tips for Healthy Relationships with an ADHD Partner

If you suspect your partner has ADHD gently encourage them to meet with their primary care physician. Make sure they know the recommendation is coming from a place of love and support. Remember that you’re their partner and not their parent. You can force them to do something. At the same time, you should not make excuses for their behavior if they refuse to do anything about it, like see a doctor or mental health professional.

Be Patient and Accepting

Remember that your partner didn’t choose to have ADHD. Their behavior is a result of ADHD symptoms. While it’s normal for you to become frustrated from time to time, remind yourself that it’s more frustrating for the person with ADHD. Much of your frustration comes from the differences between you. Learn to accept these differences. Navigating daily with the condition is emotionally draining. On top of the stress they are already feeling, they may worry that you’ll leave them because of their behavior. Note that acceptance of your partner shouldn’t mean giving in or allowing harmful behaviors to persist. You can accept your partner’s condition without giving up your integrity and without forfeiting your own needs.

Try Not to Take it Personally

Again, their ADHD symptoms are not intentional. They’re not trying to annoy you or make you upset. For example, they are likely more forgetful than the average person. So when they forget what you said it’s not because they don’t care, but because they weren’t able to focus. However, when your partner appears to be somewhere else during intimate moments, it’s hard not to feel hurt.

Work Together

Instead of criticizing them for their behavior, help them find solutions. If they’re constantly late, think of some things that could help them with time management. Instead of urging your partner to use a specific strategy, explore available options together.

Brainstorm ideas with your partner to find which approach works best for them. Taking it upon yourself to leave notes around the house to remind them, may prove to be the opposite of helpful. They may see your attempt to help, as an attempt to control them. This is why discussing approaches as a team is better.

Focus on Communication

Good communication is not only one of the most important parts of a relationship but one of the hardest things to establish. Misunderstandings and miscommunications occur in any relationship, but they are much more present in those with ADHD.

Tips for Improving Communication:

• Share Inner Worlds – Take turns talking about your day, your feelings, goals, and dreams. Ask questions to learn more. Be curious.
• Practice Active Listening – When your partner talks put away distractions, make eye contact, and nod your head. Show them you are present and interested in what they have to say. Validate their words. Summarize what you heard to make sure you understand correctly.
• Use “I” Statements – Instead of using blame with “You this” and “You that”, you can come off as less critical with “I” statements. Tell your partner how you feel. Your partner will be less likely to get defensive this way. You can get your point across in a more effective way, and your partner won’t feel attacked.
• Avoid Absolute Statements – Without meaning to, we can jump to extremes when emotions are involved. We exaggerate or become more dramatic in order to drive home a point and make it known that we feel a certain way. This can cause you to speak in Absolutes like “always” and “never”. These are constrictive and will most likely cause your partner to get defensive. For example, “You never listen” or “You’re always late”.