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What is Sex Positive Therapy
“Traditional sex and gender stereotypes impose constraints on relationships that can limit authentic sexual expression and intimate satisfaction”, according to research conducted at Columbia University.
Sexuality is a fundamental part of the human experience. And yet our culture’s perception of sex can make it seem like it’s something to fear or avoid. This view can leave us feeling less confident when it comes to our own sexuality.
It can create feelings of shame if our sexuality doesn’t fit within the small box of what’s deemed acceptable in the mainstream.
What Does Sex Positive Mean?
Our culture comes with many assumptions and judgments about sexuality. Sex is often viewed through the lens of healthy vs. pathology. A sex positive therapist focuses instead on people’s sexual preferences and how to get consent to what works for each person. These therapists see every sexual expression as healthy, as long as it’s consensual. The therapist works to help clients overcome cultural biases (as well as their own) that limit sexual expression.
Simply put, “sex positive” means having the belief that sex is good, healthy, and natural. If you are sex positive you have respect for the wide array of unique sexual orientations that exist. Sex positivity celebrates healthy sexual relationships, different identities and sexual expressions, and bodily autonomy, as well as empowers individuals to define and control their own sex lives.
The World Health Organization notes that with a sex positive framework to therapy, an individual’s sexual intimacy, orientation, and eroticism are viewed as enhancing the individual’s personality, communication, and love. In other words, sex positive therapy can benefit our overall well-being.
On the opposite end, a therapist who is not sex positive might judge or criticize certain sexual behavior if it falls outside of what they know as “normal and accepted sexual behavior”. When we feel judged we pull back and become closed off, making it impossible to have a successful therapy experience. We need to be open and vulnerable in order for self improvement in therapy, but a therapist who is close-minded would stunt that growth.
It wasn’t long ago that masturbation and homosexuality were seen as disorders and required therapy as a treatment for removal. Some therapists still associate “abnormal sexuality” such as kink behavior with deviance and mental illness. Their background and training can lead them to want to pathologize this behavior even though it is perfectly healthy. In these instances, the therapy itself can cause psychological harm to the client.
What does a Sex Positive Therapist Do?
Sex positive therapy plays an important role, especially in Western culture, where the traditional view of sex is overwhelmingly negative and hierarchical. Much of the literature, theories, and assessments that therapists use have biases about sex. Therefore, it’s up to the therapist to tweak those, include more sex positive language, and make them more inclusive. A sex positive therapist doesn’t believe that there is a “right” way to enjoy sex. Rather, they keep an open mind and remain inclusive of all types of sexual expressions.
Those that are sex positive go beyond the very limited sex education that most therapists receive in their training and continue to stay up to date on modern sexuality.
In addition, the therapist actively works on their own prejudices or beliefs about sexuality, to make sure they don’t bring any biases to their work. A sex positive therapist makes it their business to assess and, when appropriate, develop clients’ capacity for sharing erotic intimacy and sensual companionship.
Role of a sex positive therapist:
- Help people increase their comfort and awareness of sexuality and sexual experiences
- Validate sexuality as a core aspect of the human experience
- Provide evidence-based education regarding sexual health concerns and issues
- Support clients as they navigate various influences on their sexuality
- Empower people to express their sexuality while also respecting their own and other’s sexual rights
- Promote overall sexual wellness
A sex positive therapist might use body mapping as a technique to help clients become more comfortable with their bodies and aware of what feels good. The therapist might also promote mindfulness and meditation as ways to be more engaged in the present moment, which can increase relaxation and enhance pleasure.
More specifically, a sex positive therapist might help with the following:
- Coming out
- Transitioning
- LGBTQIA+
- Internalized negativity and shame over “non-typical” sexual behavior, such as kinks
- Sexual abuse or trauma
- Relationship issues, including relationships between “kinky” and “vanilla” ( (non-kinky) people
- Cultural expectations placed on them by their family/background
- Polyamory
- Open relationships
Who needs a sex positive therapist?
A sex positive therapist can be beneficial for anyone who values sex. Anyone who wants to improve their sexuality can find help through a sex positive therapist. It can be especially helpful for people practicing non-traditional sexuality that’s not culturally common — kink, polyamory, asexuality, BSDM, fetish, etc.
Whether you’ve had a hard time embracing your sexuality or you’re someone who’s comfortable with sex and wants a therapist who matches that, a sex-positive therapist can help. Sex is wrapped up and intertwined in so many other aspects our lives, whether we realize it or not. Therefore, discussing sex as part of your therapy, can help you grow in other areas of self improvement as well.
If you identify as “kink aware”, (someone who engages in BDSM for example) you’ll definitely want a therapist who is sex-positive. If you are non-monogamous you’ll also be better suited with a sex positive therapist.
If currently in a relationship, you can meet with a sex positive couples therapist. A lot of couples simply need encouragement and guidance to help them feel more comfortable and confident when it comes to sex. Once comfortability and confidence is achieved, the opportunity for greater mutual pleasure is unlocked.
Finding a Sex Positive Therapist
Some therapists might claim to be sex positive in order to grow their client base. And some might think they fit the criteria, but fall short. Before investing time and money, you can take it upon yourself to assess whether a therapist is sex positive.
In your first session (or before) ask them the following questions:
- What does sex positive mean to you?
- How much training do you have in human sexuality?
- How do you feel about pornography?
- How do you feel about non monogamy?
- Do you have experience working with LGBTQIA clients?
- What is your belief on gender (and do you accept that there are more than 2)?
- Do you have experience with kink clients?
- What do you consider problematic sexual behavior?
The Couples Center has a variety of therapists who are trained to help both couples and individuals of any background improve their sexuality in a judgment free environment.
Sex Positive Books
To supplement with therapy, check out these sex positive books:
- Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel
- Sex at Dawn: The Prehistoric Origins of Modern Sexuality by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá
- The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment by Jack Morin
- Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski
- Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy by Jessica Fern, Eve Rickert, and Nora Samaran
