Call Us Now
What is the Rupture and Repair Cycle in Relationships?
Jo decides to plan a surprise couple getaway with her partner, Ryley. When she presents it to Ryley, they’re upset. “We’re supposed to be saving money! You should have asked me first!” Ryley feels disrespected about their shared financial goals, while Jo feels unappreciated for trying to do something special. They exchange loud, unkind words. This is an example of a rupture, a break in the connection.
After cooling down, Jo sits down with Ryley and says, “I realize I shouldn’t have booked that without you. I understand why you’re upset.” Ryley responds with, “You had good intentions, but it made me feel like we’re not on the same page with our goals. Together they decide to cancel the trip and plan a day trip instead. This coming together, both physically and emotionally, is called a repair.
What is Considered a Rupture?
A rupture is a break in the connection between two people. A rupture can (and will) happen in any type of relationship, because rupture is inevitable from time to time. Ruptures occur as a result of a misunderstanding, an assumption, an offensive remark, or any kind of hurtful interaction. While ruptures are a normal part of a relationship, it’s how we handle the aftermath that makes all the difference.
Ruptures can be big or small, from delaying a task you promised you’d do to emotional or physical infidelity. Not all ruptures are conflicts, but all conflicts are a form of rupture
Types and Examples of Relationship Ruptures
Arguments or Disagreements:
A rupture rooted in a disagreement could be over values, priorities, or simple miscommunication.
Example: One partner wants to stay home for the holidays while the other wants to travel to see family. On the surface, it’s just a difference in preference, but harsh words like “You’re selfish” and accusations like “You don’t care about my family” create a disconnect
Betrayal of Trust:
This would be a significant rupture involving Infidelity, dishonesty, or any action that undermines trust.
Example: One partner promises they would cut ties with an ex who was causing tension in the relationship, but their partner discovers messages with the ex. Even though they were not flirty or romantic in nature, the partner feels lied to.
Emotional Neglect:
This type of relationship rupture causes a partner to feel unsupported or unheard, especially in times of need.
Example: One partner is going through a stressful transition. They’re going back to work after having a baby. They’ve expressed how they’re struggling, saying that they’re tired and sad to be leaving the baby. Their partner is dismissive, saying “It’ll be fine” and offering nothing more.
Disrespect or Invalidation:
One partner dismisses or minimizes the other’s feelings or experiences, causing disconnection.
Example: One partner shares their dream of going back to school to attain a certain career. Their partner responds with, “I think it’s too late for that”, essentially shutting it down from the start.
Withdrawal or Distancing:
This type of rupture occurs when one partner shuts down emotionally or physically, creating a slow and quiet break in the relationship.
Example: After their partner snaps at them, they stop engaging, give short responses, and avoid looking at them.
These are just some common examples, but a rupture is any situation where one or both partners feel unseen, unsafe, or unloved, and they are not seeing each other as teammates.
How to Repair After a Rupture in a Relationship
What does it mean to repair? Repairing is about growth. It means fixing and healing the cracks in the relationship. Repair is a pivotal step in regaining trust and increasing emotional connection. Repair is a process that involves being vulnerable and taking responsibility. It is much more than simply saying, “sorry”. By repairing, you show your commitment to the relationship and demonstrate your love to your partner.
“Rupture without repair” refers to times of conflict, tension, or disconnect that are not addressed or resolved. Rupture without repair causes distance and damages the connection.
The goal of repair is to make the hurt person feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure once again. It isn’t about the person in the wrong making themself feel better.
The Repair Cycle – Why Is It Important?
Overall, repair in relationships is about:
1) Acknowledging when there’s been a rupture
2) Showing empathy and accountability
3) Taking the proper steps to heal and rebuild trust and connection with the other person.
The benefits of repair after rupture:
- Fosters emotional security: When couples engage in repair, they send a message that the relationship is resilient. They recognize their ability to weather difficulties together. This builds a strong sense of security and attachment.
- Deepens intimacy: Repair requires you to be vulnerable. Sharing your feelings and listening to your partner’s perspective creates an opportunity for deeper emotional intimacy and understanding.
- Strengthens communication: Honest, empathetic communication is mandatory for a successful repair. Productive, open communication allows couples to improve their communication skills and understand each other’s needs more clearly.
- Promotes growth: When ruptures are repaired adequately, they can lead to both personal and relational growth. Repairs can offer insight into each partner’s values, triggers, and patterns of behavior. This, in turn, leads to better emotional intelligence and self-awareness.
What Does The Repair Cycle Look Like?
Repair can take many different forms depending on the type of rupture that occurred, as well as the unique needs of the individual. Genuine repair aims to give the hurt person the sense of being safe, seen, soothed, and secure once again.
The repair cycle may follow these steps:
- Recognize the rupture: Notice the moment of disconnection, whether it’s tension, hurt feelings, withdrawal, or mistrust.
- Pause and regulate: Cool down before engaging so that the conversation isn’t taken over by defensiveness, emotions, or reactivity.
- Approach with openness: Signal willingness to talk. Instead of avoiding the situation, approach it directly. Ask, “Can we talk about earlier?”
- Share and listen: Express feelings and hear each other out. Truly listen to each other and make space for hurt feelings. Validate how they feel. Ask questions for better understanding.
- Take responsibility: Own your part in the rupture. Take explicit responsibility, accountability, and actions to work towards what is needed for the person who got hurt to feel safe, seen, soothed, and secure again.
- Offer a repair gesture: Apologize, change behavior, or reconnect physically/emotionally. If you apologize, be specific about what you are sorry for – the action and the harm it caused. Include small acts of repair, like making eye contact to convey understanding, and providing soothing physical gestures that comfort the other person.
- Reaffirm connection: Rebuild a sense of “we’re okay.” Express appreciation, commitment, and care to close the loop and restore connection.
- Learn from the experience: Discuss how to avoid similar ruptures in the future.
What is Rupture and Repair Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory views the rupture and repair cycle as a fundamental process by which secure bonds are strengthened. Research on attachment theory suggests that healthy relationships consist of 30% attunement and 70% rupture-and-repair.
The repair cycle can help enhance intimacy between partners. Unfortunately, what’s more common is couples repeating the same cycle of conflict without learning or coming together.
Managing Conflict Healthily
You don’t need to make promises that “this” will never happen again because it just might. It’s impossible to avoid all conflict. Remember: the absence of conflict is not what makes a good relationship. It’s the ability to manage that conflict in a healthy way that impacts the relationship. Instead, you can make a commitment to working to reduce the frequency and intensity of your negative reaction. You can try to “fight fair” and make conflict less destructive.
Working With a Therapist
Couples therapy can be particularly effective in helping couples recognize, navigate, and heal ruptures using the repair cycle. A trained therapist can assist you in gaining the skills necessary to repair ruptures faster and more efficiently in the future. Specific therapeutic approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), The Gottman Method, and Imago Relationship Therapy are deemed effective ways to manage rupture and repair.
