Kink behavior is misunderstood, and it’s often widely stigmatized. If you identify as “kinky” you’ve probably had at least one negative response to your disclosure. It’s one thing to be kink-shamed by someone in the general public, but kink-shaming by a therapist can be especially damaging. Not all therapists are equipped to work with kinky clients in a way that is accepting and supportive.

Finding a Kink Therapist

What is Kink?

Kink is a relatively broad term that can be used to describe anyone who consensually engages in sexual activities or identifies outside what is considered mainstream. Examples of kink include domination and submission, sadomasochism, erotic roleplaying, fetishism, voyeurism, and erotic forms of discipline.

There’s a lack of education about this topic. It is misunderstood as well as underrepresented. A survey of 2,000 Americans found that 1 in 4 people consider themselves kinky.

Those that identify as kinky often feel shame. And when a provider is not knowledgeable on the topic, they may also feel ignored or even shamed by the provider.

What Does A Kink Therapist Do?

Kink therapy, a form of sex positive therapy, aims to assure clients that the therapist understands that there is a wide variety of relationship dynamics that are healthy and are an important part of the human condition. A kink aware therapist believes that every person is entitled to a vibrant and fulfilling sex life, one that fits their needs and desires. They want their client’s preferences honored and valued, regardless of where they fall on the spectrum of sexuality. They might also help them in exploring and expanding their sexual life in a way that fits their desires.

Benefits of a kink aware therapist:

• Does not think of kink as a condition that needs to be treated and “cured”
• Provides a safe space free of bias for clients to share all aspects of their life
• Avoids heteronormative language and assumptions of dyadic relationships
• Remains educated on the variety of kink and poly relationship dynamics
• Is aware of their own potential bias

Issues that a kink therapist can help with:

• Coming out: Kink therapists can help you explore your own sexuality. You may need helping coming out to yourself as well as to others. A therapist can help you decide who to disclose your kink preferences to and advise you on how to do it in a way that’s most comfortable for you. The coming out process is made difficult because of mainstream society’s ideas. A kink therapist can help you find groups of link-minded people so that you can feel more supported.
• Conflict with a non-kink partner: Sometimes partners are not supportive or upset by your desire to engage in kink behavior. A kink aware therapsit can help that partner unpack their beliefs and assumptions about kink and provide education so that kink is normalized for them. The kink aware therapist will help you explore possibilities to meet your desires while also respecting the boundaries of your partner.
• Distinguishing healthy behavior from abuse: Most kink behavior is safe but there are times where it can cross the line. This could show up in the context of a BDSM relationship (but it’s not limited to that). For instance, if one partner experiences serious physical injuries, emotional trauma, or damaged self esteem then it is possible that abuse may be occurring. A kink aware therapist understands the difference between the two types and knows when it’s no longer consensual or safe.
• Reducing shame: A kink aware therapist will work with you to identify where the shame you’re holding comes from. Simply discussing it is impactful in breaking down the wall preventing you from your authentic self.

Why Look for a Kink Aware Therapist?

Research by Keely Kolmes, in addition to research conducted by other clinicians, has found that people experience sad, dismaying, and harmful responses from therapists when they share their sexual interests with therapists who are poorly trained on sexual diversity. Patients have reported being “fired” from therapy for being kinky. Some people had therapists call Adult Protective Services after disclosing their consensual sexual behaviors. In the most extreme cases, people lost custody of their children after being reported by their therapist. Overall, many of the clients in the study felt they were being shamed by their therapists who viewed them as “sick”.

Besides the obvious impacts in the previous examples, a therapist who’s not kink aware can create other covert issues for the client. If the kink behavior is not received well in therapy, the client may pull away and leave therapy altogether. In addition, an undereducated therapist could misdiagnose a client. Further research by Keely Kolmes suggests that some clients keep their sexual preferences a secret from their therapists for fear of their inappropriate response or inability to properly support them. This prevents them from being open and honest, and thus unable to reap the full benefits of therapy.

Sadly, there are still many helping professionals such as therapists today who view interest in sexual kink as signs of pathology and trauma. Some therapists hold outdated ideas to define sexual norms and attempt to treat anything that falls outside of their comfort zone. A kink aware therapist, on the other hand, knows that these non-traditional sexual interests are not unusual, not uncommon, not caused by trauma, and not a sign of mental illness.

Criteria For Kink Awareness

A kink aware therapist advocates for the right to pleasure without judgment. They avoid pathologizing. You want to feel heard and understood by a therapist. A good kink aware therapist will want to build a real connection. They’ll want to reduce any shame you might be feeling. A kink aware therapist can offer you a safe space to express yourself so that you are getting the most pleasure out of life.

What is a kink friendly therapist?

The next best thing is a “kink friendly” therapist. While they are not as trained or knowledgeable in regards to the specifics of the kink community, they are open and willing to learn. They are still sex positive and accepting of all lifestyles.

Progress is being made. Today there is a Kink Aware Pledge for therapists to take. However, more education and training are necessary so that therapists can provide comprehensive care for all people, including the full scope of sexual identity.

There are many reasons to seek therapy, some are related to sexuality. For those reasons a kink aware therapist can help in overcoming sexual challenges and in exploring how to improve your sex life. However, people might look for therapy for other reasons and still prefer a kink aware therapist because they want to feel free to share their lifestyle without judgment.

How To Find A Kink Therapist

To ensure a good fit with your therapist, start by asking them questions. This is a good idea generally speaking, and even more relevant for those seeking a kink therapist. Some therapists will do a brief intro call with you before your first session. Others will have time for questions during your first session. Ask about their experience, their speciality, their style, and theoretical model. And of course, ask if they consider themselves kink aware or kink friendly.

The Couples Center welcomes those who identify as non-heteronormative. The Couples Center offers experienced therapists who are allies of the kink community.