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What constitutes cheating varies across relationships and individuals, because boundaries, values, and expectations are not universal.
It is critical that you and your partner determine what each of you is comfortable with and what crosses the line into cheating territory. You should have explicit conversations about boundaries. Boundaries vary greatly depending on the unique relationship. For example, some people practice nonmonogamy, where having intimate relations outside of the primary relationship is okay.
Keep in mind that you may have different views on what constitutes cheating. Boundaries also vary based on the unique individual. You may not see it as cheating, but in their eyes it is. Therefore, you violated the boundary. Honest talks about the level of comfort should be had more than once. Relationships evolve over time, as do people.
Understanding the Nuances of Infidelity
Infidelity is not one clear-cut behavior. Rather, cheating is a spectrum of actions defined by intent, secrecy, emotional commitment, and betrayal of trust. Nuances matter because the same behavior can mean different things for each partner. Factors such as attachment styles and mutually agreed-upon rules matter. The following are generally agreed-upon descriptions of different types of cheating.
Physical Infidelity: The Most Recognized Form of Cheating
When it comes to cheating, most people think of physical betrayal in the form of kissing or sexual acts. For many, any kind of physical intimacy or physical contact with another person outside of their partner is considered cheating.
Examples of Physical Cheating
- Kissing someone outside the relationship
- Sex of any type (oral, vaginal, or anal)
- Touching someone’s genitals or allowing yours to be touched
- Sexual activity, even if it “didn’t go all the way.”
Emotional Infidelity: The Silent Betrayal
Emotional cheating can be just as painful as physical infidelity. In fact, it can be more devastating because it’s not just about lust. With emotional infidelity, there is an intimate connection formed, and sometimes love. Since there is a deeper level of intimacy involved, it can be harder for the cheater to “get over” the other person. Thus, emotional cheating is often the most destructive form.
About 35 percent of wives and 45 percent of husbands report having emotional affairs, according to the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy. Emotional affairs can be harder to detect because they often look innocent on the surface. Because they are non sexual, there is no “visible evidence” and from the outside can appear to be a “close friendship” or workplace confidant.”
Examples of Emotional Cheating
- Having ongoing private conversations that you hide from your partner or downplay
- Putting another person’s emotional needs over your partner’s
- Flirting with a person in a way you would not if your partner were around (especially if it includes emotional bonding)
- Comparing your partner negatively to another person and/or complaining about them
Emotional vs Physical Cheating – How it Differs
Uncovering the why in affairs gives valuable insight. The reason behind the affair provides clarity that can help both partners decide how to move forward.
Why Physical Cheating Happens:
Physical cheating can stem from dissatisfaction, either sexually or emotionally, poor self-esteem, extreme restlessness, or addiction.
Why Emotional Cheating Happens:
People tend to find themselves in emotional affairs for a variety of reasons, including unmet needs, feeling disconnected, or a need for validation.
Other Important Differences:
- Physical cheating often occurs out of impulsivity or is described as being situational. Emotional cheating, on the other hand, tends to be intentional.
- Physical cheating is more likely to be a “one-time thing” or described as an accident. Emotional affairs may be ongoing.
- Emotional affairs can be more difficult to stop than physical ones. This might be because the other person is fulfilling an emotional need their partner was unable to satisfy. They may decide they prefer the “other person” to their partner and ultimately end up with that person instead.
On the whole, emotional cheating is more likely to destroy a relationship. However, in the end, the impact depends on that couple’s boundaries, communication, and willingness to repair trust.
Digital and Virtual Infidelity: The Modern Minefield
An online affair (also known as a virtual affair or cyber affair) is a type of infidelity that takes place completely online, through technology. The affair is conducted through private messages, email, or texting. An online affair can be brief. However, the internet offers endless opportunities to have other affairs, which can make stopping difficult.
While there is no in-person component, the damage to the relationship can be just as severe as physical cheating. Digital infidelity is a betrayal of trust and intimacy that significantly undermines the relationship.
Examples of Virtual Cheating
- Maintaining a secret romantic or flirtatious relationship via text, video, chat, email, or any other digital means.
- Participating in cyber sex
- Saying things online that you would not say if your partner could read them
- Sending or receiving nude or semi-nude photos or videos
Micro-Cheating: The Subtle Boundary Blurs
Microcheating is the more subtle things a partner can do that crosses a relationship boundary (either physical or emotional). It’s any seemingly small behavior that demonstrates interest in another person and causes you to question your partner’s commitment to the relationship.
Microcheating can be maddening as it plays on your mind and has you second-guessing yourself. “Am I overreacting, overanalyzing, being overly jealous?”, you may wonder.
Even though micro-cheating doesn’t involve physical intimacy, it can still damage the relationship in a big way. It can lead to feelings of betrayal, insecurity, and a general lack of trust between partners. Eventually, if these small behaviors are repeated, they can erode the foundation of the relationship and lead to larger problems.
Examples of Microcheating
- Telling someone you’re single when you’re not
- Staying in contact with an ex
- Liking photos of someone on social media
- Showing off to someone you’re attracted to
Keep in mind, microcheating is less straightforward than other types of cheating. What constitutes microcheating is subjective for each person. However, a general rule of thumb is that if it feels sneaky or you wouldn’t want your partner to know about the behavior, it’s likely a form of cheating.
How to Talk About Cheating with Your Partner
If it’s not too late, the best thing to do is have a conversation about cheating before it happens. Outlining what cheating is for each person defines boundaries and gets you on the same page.
If You Suspect They are Cheating on You…
- Regulate your emotions. This is likely easier said than done. Cheating can flip your world upside down. If you think your partner is cheating, you’re bound to experience a lot of extreme emotions, from rage to profound sadness and confusion. Confronting your partner when emotions are high won’t be helpful for anyone. Take time to feel calmer.
- Plan, and be intentional with what you say. Next, decide what you want to get from the conversation. Practice what you will say. Instead of coming out with blanket accusations, come equipped with concrete observations.
For example, instead of starting with “I know you’re cheating”, lead with evidence: “You’ve been on your phone a lot, late at night, you’ve been going out more, and you’ve been distant with me. Can we talk about that?” Avoid making insults and attacking their character. - Ask questions. Ask your partner open-ended questions. Listen to what they have to say. Though you might not like what they are saying, allow them to finish. This will invite more honesty and allow you to get real answers.
- Keep emotions in check. During the conversation, you may find yourself experiencing strong emotions that are harder to regulate. Rather than letting those get the best of you, pause the conversation. Go for a walk. Take some time for deep breaths.
If things escalate and yelling ensues, tell your partner, “If we can’t talk respectfully, we should pause.”
If You’ve Cheated…
If you are the one who cheated, how you approach your partner will determine whether healing is possible.
- Take responsibility. It’s important that you avoid making excuses or shifting the blame. Take full ownership of your actions and accept clear accountability. That means using statements like “I hurt you.” Remember that even if there were problems in your relationship, cheating was still a choice that you made.
- Honest disclosure over unnecessary detail. You should tell the truth about what happened. Give them information about the affair’s duration and whether it’s still ongoing. But think about what they need to know.
Too much information, especially if graphic or sexual details, can overwhelm or even traumatize them. However, they have a right to have their questions answered, so tell them only if they ask. Remember that lying can be more destructive than cheating. - Plan it out. While there’s no truly “good time” to tell someone you’re cheating, there are times that are better than others. You’ll want to do it at a time when you’re both calm. The location should be private.
Think about how you will present the information. Prepare for them to react with strong emotions. Do not expect forgiveness during this conversation. - Focus on your partner’s emotions. This conversation is not meant to bring you relief. The aim is to be honest and start working towards regaining trust.
Therefore, you must allow your partner to react as they see fit, given this information. Allow them to feel whatever they are feeling and validate those feelings. For example, “I understand why you’re angry”. Ask your partner what they need – space, time, etc. Respect their boundaries and be patient.
When to See a Therapist
Whether you cheated or were cheated on, therapy can help. Cheating is messy, especially when you are not on the same page about what constitutes cheating. The Couples Center has trained therapists with experience guiding couples after cheating has taken place. A therapist can help you understand how the affair came to be, sort through complex emotions, mend long-existing problems, accept responsibility, and rebuild trust.
About two-thirds of couples who participate in couples therapy choose to stay together.
How Therapy Can Help After Cheating
- Creates a safe, structured space
- Partners are able to speak freely
- The cheating partner is encouraged to take responsibility and accountability, without being shamed
- The betrayed partner’s feelings are validated
- Provides clarity to decide whether to stay or leave the relationship
In addition to couples counseling, Individual counseling is highly recommended. After a betrayal, some people struggle with heightened insecurities, like feeling unattractive and undesirable. Some people experience increased anxiety and feel constantly worried that they will be betrayed again. An affair of any type can be traumatic. A therapist can help you work through your complex and painful feelings.
