Signs of a Passive-Aggressive Partner

Aggression in a partner can be easy to spot. Direct displays of anger and upset are often involved. Passive-aggression, on the other hand, tends to fly under the radar in a relationship. This behavior involves the avoidance of conflict by expressing challenging emotions in indirect ways. For example, your partner might resort to pouting, storming around the house, or giving you the silent treatment.

A passive-aggressive partner has a major impact on the tone of your interactions. It is common to notice that conversations put you on edge, even if you can’t quite put your finger on why. It is also common to notice frustration around your attempts at clear communication. If you suspect you may be dealing with a passive-aggressive partner, continue reading to learn more about signs, causes, and ways of addressing the issue.

What is Passive-Aggressive Behavior in a Relationship?

Passive-aggressive behavior in a relationship is learned. A passive-aggressive partner may have grown up in a home where there was a difficult relationship to anger. For example, explosive anger that occurred among your partner’s family members can bring about a lasting fear of the emotion. Anger that was suppressed or not allowed can interfere with your partner’s ability to express the emotion in a healthy way. Several ways the impact of these experiences might show up in your dynamic include:

Sarcasm and Backhanded Compliments

When your partner makes a remark like, “Yeah I just love it when your brother comes to town,” or, “It’s so great that you did the dishes for once,” they are being passive-aggressive. Their tone is not one of genuine care, but rather one of underlying contempt. They refuse to discuss the anger they may feel toward your brother or their unhappiness about the distribution of chores. Instead they deflect by using statements that shut down opportunities to strengthen their connection with you.

Withdrawal

Withdrawal is a common defense mechanism for partners with avoidant attachment styles. There are aspects of withdrawal that can additionally be passive-aggressive, even when they are not intended as such. Your partner ignoring your calls or leaving your texts on read sends the message that their overwhelm takes precedence over your feelings. A similar cycle occurs when your partner stonewalls, or checks out of, an argument. Instead of being seen, heard, and understood, you are met with silence.

Disapproving Body Language

A passive-aggressive partner’s traits extend beyond their words. The way your partner holds themselves and conveys upset through body language carries equal weight. Their emotional state is often shown through eye rolling, shrugging, pouting, tapping their foot, or crossing their arms. These displays of disapproval make the environment tense. It is natural for you to feel uneasy or anxious even if no words are used.

Denial of Feelings

The purpose of all passive-aggressive behavior is to avoid emotions that are uncomfortable or painful. Your partner may also overtly deny their feelings by saying things like, “I’m not angry I’m just tired,” or, “That didn’t upset me, stop asking me about it.” These statements are coupled with actions that show that there is more going on underneath the surface. You may feel stuck in approaching the situation, as if nothing you try helps your partner acknowledge their truth.

While knowing where your partner’s actions are rooted and how they play out does not excuse them, it can help build understanding. Depersonalizing the ways your passive-aggressive partner is behaving allows you to become more curious. Is there room for discussing what you notice with your partner? Are they able to acknowledge the impact of their passive-aggression? Do they want to work with you to create change?

Learned behavior is able to be unlearned with the proper help. A trained couples therapist can provide guidance in engaging with healthier cycles and increasing emotional safety in your relationship.

What are the Signs You Are Dealing with Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

Passive-aggressive behavior can be subtle. The ways the above actions weave themselves into your relationship are not always obvious. Paying attention to what comes up when you are with your partner is an important component of identifying passive-aggression. A few common experiences include:

You feel angry

Passive-aggression is covert aggression. The anger that your partner feels lies beneath indirect, dismissive actions. However, your partner’s attempts to hide or escape anger are not fruitful. Tension builds as their core emotions continue to go unprocessed. This often causes passive-aggressive behavior to escalate, which can bring up overt anger in you.

You feel angry because you are holding what your partner will not acknowledge. Wanting to react to your partner’s passive-aggression with intense emotion is a human impulse. Giving yourself space to instead respond helps break the cycle and provides an opportunity for greater attunement with one another.

You feel responsible for interactions

Being on the receiving end of a passive-aggressive partner’s behavior is challenging. Holding space for anger and figuring out how to respond can be exhausting. If your partner is lacking in accountability for how they show up, you might feel as though you are doing it all by yourself. Taking sole responsibility for the tone, direction, and outcome of interactions is not a sustainable way to relate.

A partnership is a two-way street. Although your commitment to shifting the dynamic may encourage your partner, they also need to rise to the occasion. Healthy interactions with a passive-aggressive partner who is attending therapy and doing their work are possible. Interactions with a passive-aggressive partner who does not want to change will likely continue to build resentment.

You question the relationship

Clear, attuned communication is a foundational aspect of a healthy partnership. When you have a passive-aggressive partner, communication is often difficult and lacks flow. This can cause you to question your relationship. The consistent ruptures that passive-aggression brings to your bond can lead you to wonder if maintaining the connection is worthwhile

Wanting a relationship where you feel secure in sharing with your partner is understandable. Communication classes for couples are an option if you and your partner are both open to receiving help. These classes can assist you in identifying where your communication breaks down and ways of rebuilding trust and safety in your rapport.

You feel lonely

Indirect communication, shouldering responsibility for your partner, and having continuous feelings of anger all lead to loneliness. The sense of being a team that you may have once had with your partner fades away in the presence of passive-aggressive behavior. You may also find it hard to be upfront about your relationship with your friends, family, and loved ones.

Research shows that low relational satisfaction is one of the main predictors of loneliness. Working through patterns of behavior with a passive-aggressive partner is a must in order to revive the intimacy you once had. Growing your support network by pushing yourself to be honest with those close to you can also help.

What are the Causes of Passive-Aggressive Behavior?

As mentioned above, a passive-aggressive partner was likely exposed to damaging and unhealthy expressions of anger. While this exposure often occurs in the family of origin, passive-aggression can have multiple root causes. These include:

Childhood Trauma or Neglect

Childhood experiences have a large impact on adult experiences of the world and relationships. They also influence our sense-of-self and the underlying beliefs that drive our behavior. If your passive-aggressive partner was raised in a traumatizing or neglectful environment, they may have internalized anger as unsafe. The emotion is therefore expressed through indirect means rather than addressed in mature, grounded conversation.

Past Unhealthy Relationships

Your partner may be repeating past challenging relational cycles with their passive-aggressive behavior. Learning how to connect with others in a meaningful way is an overarching purpose of partnerships. When this fails to occur, it is natural to normalize patterns that promote disconnection. Working through passive-aggression learned in previous circumstances can set a new, healthier standard for your relationship.

High Stress Levels or Overwhelm

Chronic stress puts the brain in fight-or-flight mode, a place where the ability to process emotions is limited. Your partner might display passive-aggressive behavior if they are under pressure in other areas of their life. This is especially true if they tend to cope by avoiding or suppressing their emotions. Learning more helpful coping skills and relieving overall stress are necessary areas for your partner to invest in order to reduce passive-aggression.

How Do I Deal With A Passive-Aggressive Partner?

Once you are aware of what passive-aggressive behavior looks like in your relationship, it is time to take steps toward change. It is important to note that this pattern did not begin overnight and will not break all at once. Consistency is key. You also cannot break the pattern on your own – your partner must be willing to be honest with you and with themselves. Skills to practice while keeping this in mind include:

Be Assertive

It can be tempting to try and justify the behavior of a passive-aggressive partner. Your care for them and understanding of where their passive-aggression comes from makes it easy to want to excuse everything. However, explaining away your partner’s actions further harms the relationship in the long run. Damaging patterns and unhealthy methods of communication are allowed to continue.

Assertiveness is the anecdote to enabling when it comes to passive-aggression. This does not mean being rude or cold to your partner in return. Rather, it means calmly letting your partner know what you notice and what you are willing and unwilling to stand for. Clarity about what you will accept provides a road map for you and your partner to move forward with discussions.

Set Boundaries

Boundary setting is a crucial part of the discussions you have with a passive-aggressive partner. Healthy boundaries reflect what you want and don’t want in your relationship. Remember that, even when there are challenges with one partner’s behavior, boundaries are a collaborative process. Making room for your partner to be honest about what is working and what has been difficult for them as well can further mitigate passive-aggression.

A boundary around passive-aggressive behavior might look like you letting your partner know that you are going to take a break when you notice that they are being indirect about their anger or upset. You might commit to taking a short walk or spending time in another room before coming back to the incident. Your partner might commit to identifying and processing what is going on for them during these breaks in order to attempt clear communication.

Attend Couples Therapy

The signs, causes, and ways of maneuvering through your situation can be difficult to grasp without professional help. Resentment and hopelessness tend to build up in relationships where passive-aggression is a factor. The presence of a neutral third party, such as a trained couples therapist, helps you and your partner approach one another with empathy.

If your partner is feeling hesitant, let them know that this is an opportunity for the two of you to work together toward positive change. It is not possible to force someone into a process they are not ready for. Gentle encouragement, voicing your feelings about your relationship, and letting your partner know your hopes for couples therapy might alleviate their reservations. Individual therapy for relationships is another good place to start in unpacking your dynamics with a passive-aggressive partner.