Disorganized Attachment Style in a Relationship: Signs

Attachment styles follow us around into adulthood and play a big role in our relationships, especially close, romantic ones.

What is Disorganized Attachment?

According to Attachment Theory, when a parent or primary caregiver is sensitive and attuned to their child’s needs during the first eighteen months of life, the child develops a sense of safety and stability. They develop what’s known as a secure attachment style. On the other hand, if the child’s emotional needs are not being met, they will develop one of three types of insecure attachment.

Of the four attachment styles, disorganized attachment is the one most forgotten. It is less common than the other attachment styles. Still, research has shown that 20-40 percent of the general population has a degree of disorganized attachment.

Disorganized attachment style, also referred to as fearful-avoidant attachment style, is primarily characterized by inconsistent behavior. It incorporates elements and switches back and forth from both the anxious and avoidant attachment styles. A person with this type of attachment will have issues opening up and trusting others. They often struggle to manage their emotions and can get overwhelmed by stress. Their social skills may be lacking due to problems with effective communication.

The disorganized attachment style is thought to be the result of abuse or trauma in childhood. More specifically it is attributed to inconsistent emotional support from a parental figure or anyone who had a close hand in raising the child.

Disorganized is the most extreme of all the insecure attachment styles. However, attachment styles exist on a spectrum. Therefore, you may not identify with just one and instead take pieces from two or three.

What Causes Disorganized Attachment?

Most of the time, disorganized attachment comes from childhood trauma, abuse, or neglect. It can also be the result of being afraid of one’s parents. The “disorganized” piece comes from the child experiencing confusing feelings because the caregiver is both a source of comfort and fear.

As a child, they may have experienced verbal, physical, or sexual abuse. Or they may have witnessed a parental figure committing a traumatizing act, such as their father hitting their mother or an alcoholic mother. Another example of trauma could be from a mother who regularly disappears or passes out leaving the child without basic needs. The child saw two very different sides of their caregiver and their behavior was unpredictable. The child wouldn’t know if they would get the loving parent or the one who was violent. Over time, this damaged their trust.

Signs of Disorganized Attachment

• Fear of intimacy or fear of relationships in general – This fear comes from not wanting to get hurt like they did as a child.
• Difficulty regulating emotions – They may have extreme highs and lows, which may or may not be attributed to a mental illness.
• Trouble opening up or seeking help – Disorganized attachment prevents people from getting close to others because of the fear of abandonment.
• Avoiding commitment in relationships – It’s easier to avoid commitment in a relationship because it reduces the risk of getting hurt.
• Elevated anxiety – They’re constantly on edge, unable to let down their guard. Therefore their base level is often anxious.
• Negative view of themselves/feeling undeserving of healthy relationships – They may feel unworthy and require constant reassurance in a relationship or feel as though they’re not worthy to be in one.
• Great difficulty regulating emotions in relationships – They may experience extreme highs and lows. People with disorganized attachment styles are likely to have mental health disorders or personality disorders.
• Perceiving other people and their support negatively – They can take genuine kindness the wrong way, seeing ulterior motives when they don’t exist
• Seeing the world as an unsafe place – Their negative self-talk and early trauma have taught them not to trust because the rug can be pulled out at any time. They may feel the world is out to get them
• Poor social skills – Some people find it hard to make friends or even hold a job due to an inability to regulate emotions or communicate appropriately

How a Disorganized Attachment Style Impacts a Romantic Relationship

So how does a disorganized attachment style manifest in a relationship? Most prevalent is the conflict between wanting love and rejecting love. Those battling forces run the show. Here’s how disorganized attachment can play out in a relationship:

Trust Issues

A lack of trust can look like being overly suspicious or jumping to conclusions based on little to no evidence

Push-Pull Dynamic

A person with a disorganized attachment style tends to show inconsistent and confusing behavior in a relationship. They can be independent and distant one day and clingy and emotional the next. This leaves their partner feeling like they have to walk on eggshells, not knowing what to expect.

The partner with this attachment style wants love but also pushes it away. They carry a fear of being rejected so they deny the love offered to them instead of risking rejection. It’s less scary when you’re in control, calling the shots. The problem is that they genuinely desire love, they just don’t know how to accept it, and a painful cycle repeats.

Low-Self Worth

As a child, they were driven by two fluctuating forces: a need to belong (connect with and be loved by others) and a need to survive (to protect oneself). Their survival instincts told them to flee to safety, but safety and fear were the same person.

In adulthood, specifically when in romantic relationships, people with this style of attachment often feel fear and anxiety when forming intimate relationships. They suffer from a negative self-image and extremely damaging self-talk.

Difficulties Regulating Emotions

They regularly suffer from intense loneliness because of a sincere desire for genuine connection. However, the stress and fear response, connected to that desire, causes them to behave erratically and unpredictably driving away potential connection.

Any time they form a new connection, they take on a massive hurdle, which can feel impossible to overcome. A new relationship means tirelessly working to put in a tremendous amount of trust in that partner. But their track record with trust has been significantly damaged in their foundational years. It is both exhausting and terrifying.

Other Ways Disorganized Attachment Affects Their Relationships

• Shutting down – a tendency to shut down or leave during arguments
• Sabotaging relationships – often by finding an excuse to end it or by doing something to make the other person end it
• Choosing unsuitable partners – such as someone who is abusive or controlling
• Seeking out or creating unhealthy relationship dynamics – like picking fights or intentionally hurting the other person

What to Do if You Have a Disorganized Attachment Style

If you identify with the disorganized attachment style, whether entirely or to some degree, first recognize that you can overcome this. But in order to do so, there is some work that will have to be done.

You can achieve what’s known as “earned secure attachment”. This is when a person has experienced insecure attachment but overcomes their childhood attachment insecurity and ends up identifying with the patterns of the secure attachment style.

Tips To Have a Healthy Relationship

Go to Therapy

Therapy is one of the best ways to care for yourself and make positive changes. Healing must be done before we are fully ready to be in a relationship with another person. A therapist can help you navigate pain from your past in a productive way.

Invest in Yourself

In addition to therapy, you can supplement your self-care through practices like yoga, journaling, meditation (especially self-compassion and loving kindness), healthy eating, and exercise. All of these can help you be the best version of yourself.

Be Nice to Yourself

Someone with this type of attachment style is often unfamiliar with the practice of self-compassion, that is being kind and understanding to ourselves. The disorganized attachment style fosters negative self-talk and self-criticism. It’s likely you’ve had a bully in your head since childhood, telling you mean and untrue things about yourself. Write a letter to yourself: Think about a painful situation you’ve experienced (perhaps in childhood) and show empathy for yourself like you would another person. List the things you like about yourself. Practice daily positive affirmations. These exercises, combined the therapy, can help replace the negative thoughts about yourself, with more positive and realistic ones.

How to Love a Partner With a Disorganized Attachment Style

Relationships can be challenging when you don’t know what to expect from you partner. It can be frustrating when you feel like you’re giving endless reasons to open up and trust you, but you still can’t get through. You may (justifiably) feel emotionally exhausted. Loving a partner with a disorganized attachment style is unique. There are particular ways you can show love that they will respond better to. The following tips can help ensure your partner you can be trusted and relied on. And will prove that you are different from what they experienced early on in their life.

Truthfully, the disorganized attachment style is considered the most difficult to manage. However, it is very possible for someone with this attachment to end up in a happy, healthy relationship (for both people).

Communicate Openly and Clearly

Remember that your partner grew up in a home with mixed messages. You may find that your partner is often stuck in indecision or confusion. When things are left ambiguous, their assumptions will default to negative thoughts. This is why direct communication is helpful

Be a Safe Place

People with disorganized attachment have experienced their sense of safety and security stripped away, repeatedly. Therefore, they may be on edge and skeptical when it comes to trust and security. You can prove that they can feel safe with you by showing kindness, respecting their boundaries, being non-judgemental, and being transparent.

Be Consistent

Inconsistent behavior is a major trigger for someone with a disorganized attachment style. Your partner needs someone they can rely on. Because if their past, they’re worried you’ll be someone who switches from being a sense of comfort to a sense of fear. Ease that worry by remaining consistent. Follow through with promises big or small. The little follow-throughs like showing up on time or calling when you say you will make a big difference to your partner. Regularly remind them you care with little acts of love: a note, a gift, or a kiss.

Display Patience and Understanding

Your partner may say or do things that seem hurtful or irrational, but they likely mean well. However, they haven’t learned how to manage their complicated, but real feelings after experiencing significant instability in their life.

Listen to Their Concerns

Allow them the space to voice their concerns. Show you care with active listening. Lean in and make eye contact. You can empathize with their anxious thoughts and validate their feelings. But at the same time, it’s important to remind them that feelings are not fact. Gently point out inaccuracies in their thought patterns. Point to the evidence that debunks their negative thoughts. For example, if they’re afraid you’re going to hurt them, remind them that you haven’t done so in the past.

Don’t Expect Trust Right Away

In any relationship, trust has to be earned. However, in this case, it won’t be earned as quickly. Remain patient and consistent and trust will come in time. If you try to force it, you will likely go backward.

Go to couples counseling

Encourage your partner to attend individual therapy in order to unpack their childhood experiences that led to today. In addition to that, couples counseling is a good way to better understand your partner’s thought patterns and how you can best support them.