Feeling “suffocated” is an accurate way to describe being with a clingy partner. It feels as though they are dependent on you. They require constant reassurance and validation. They may be overly sensitive, requiring you to walk on eggshells. It’s not a stretch to say that all of this is exhausting for the partner on the receiving end. Unrelenting clingy behavior can lead to burnout, causing the other person to completely pull back or end the relationship altogether.

No one wants to be labeled clingy, as the term has an undeniably negative connotation. “Clingy” is a word interchanged with “desperate” and “needy”. And it’s highly unpleasant to admit to ourselves that, “Yes, I am being clingy”.

Clingy Meaning in Relationships

What does it mean to have a clingy boyfriend? What behavior constitutes a clingy girlfriend? Well, it’s more about how you feel than how they act. Need help figuring out if your partner is clingy? Ask yourself the following:

• Do you feel suffocated?
• Do you feel like you need to give them constant attention?
• Do you feel like you can’t do things without them without them getting upset (especially when it comes to maintaining other relationships)?
• Do you feel like you’re responsible for managing their
• Do you feel like you can’t be honest with them because they are too sensitive?
• Do you feel like you’re constantly catering to their needs?
• Do you feel like you have to talk them down and give them reassurance and validation regularly?
• Do you tailor your wants and needs to avoid them getting upset?
• Do you wish they wouldn’t message you so much?
• Do you wish they would spend time on their own for once?
• Do you wish they would take the speed and intensity down a notch (ie. professing their love too much, bringing up marriage, moving in together, etc.)
• Do you wish they wouldn’t get jealous of the interactions and relationships you have with other people?

If you answered yes to one or more, you may be with a clingy partner. Generally speaking, “clingy in a relationship” can be described as a pattern of excessively depending on the other person.

Common Signs of Clinginess

• They Constantly Text And Call – A clingy partner will message and/or call you all through the day. They may also expect you to respond quickly, and become upset if you don’t.
• They Have Overly Sensitive Reactions –A clingy partner can be wounded by the smallest hint of rejection or criticism. They can perceive a well-meaning comment as a slight to them.
• They’re Threatened By Your Other Relationships – A clingy partner can be intensely jealous. They may worry about platonic relationships with friends and coworkers, seeing them as a potential threat to your relationship.
• They Want To Spend Every Moment Together – At the start of a relationship, known as the honeymoon phase, it’s normal for both people to want to spend a lot of time together. With a clingy partner, that want doesn’t fade. The other person is spending time with their friends, and family and taking time for themself. In other words, they want to have a life outside of their partner. The clingy partner can take great offense to that. They can get jealous and attempt to make you feel guilty for not wanting to spend all of your time with them.
• They Keep Tabs On Your Social Media – They may regularly monitor your activity on various social media accounts. They may comment on the connections, conversations, and photos you have.
• They Try To Move The Relationship Too Quickly – A clingy partner is more likely to move at a rapid speed in terms of relationship milestones. They may bring up moving in, marriage, and kids too often or too early
• They’re Always Needing Reassurance – Their anxiety requires you to repeatedly tell them you love and care about them until you’re blue in the face.
• They Catastrophize – Clingy partners tend to jump to worst-case scenarios on a regular basis. A disagreement or moodiness from their partner can have them thinking they are going to break up. Not responding to a text when out with friends? A clingy partner might irrationally think they are being cheated on.

Causes of Clingy Behaviors

The why behind clinginess is often misunderstood. On the surface, it can be as though the clingy partner is obsessed with you, but clinginess is much more about them than the other person. More than anything, clinginess is about wanting to feel safe by reducing the emotional and physical distance between another person.

Clinginess can manifest as jealous, controlling, overprotective, or dependent behavior. The reason why they would behave this way has to do with their fear of abandonment. Clingy is not that person’s personality. It’s more complicated and has to do with a variety of things things that happened when they were young.

Insecure Attachment Styles

Attachment styles form when we are babies and follow us into adulthood. The type of attachment style we have depends on the relationship we had with our earliest, primary parent or caregiver.

Clinginess often results from attachment styles learned early on in life. Our attachment style describes how we tend to form relationships with others and how we relate to them. According to Attachment Theory, when a parent or primary caregiver is sensitive and attuned to their child’s needs during the first eighteen months of life, the child develops a sense of safety and stability. They develop what’s known as a secure attachment style. On the other hand, if the child’s emotional needs are not being met, they will develop one of three types of insecure attachment.

Someone needing constant reassurance (aka clingy) may have an anxious attachment style. A partner with an anxious attachment style is always scanning your behavior and interactions, looking for signs that you may not love them anymore. They may think you will abandon them at any point, and therefore they can never relax or feel comfortable in the relationship.

Low Self-Esteem

Self-esteem refers to someone’s perception of their own value and worth. A person’s self-esteem is mostly established in childhood. Therefore, attachment theory plays a big part. For example, a child whose needs are not met by their primary caregiver receives a message, that their needs, don’t matter. They learn that they are not valuable as a person. As a result, these people feel unworthy of love and healthy relationships.

They want to be valued and loved, but they strongly believe people will eventually abandon them. This leads to clinging behavior and obsessively looking for signs that confirm their fears of rejection.

Abandonment Issues

The intense fear of abandonment and rejection also stems from childhood experiences. In this case, the caregiver may have been unresponsive, preoccupied, uncaring, or may have physically abandoned and rejected the child. The child then believes that they are not good enough and that people will leave them in the end. As a result, they make it their mission to prevent them from going. They become clingy.

Ironically, the behaviors intended to make a partner stay often become the reasons why they leave. Essentially, the person with the fear of abandonment becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Their actions turn their worst fears into reality and confirm their belief that people will leave them.

Lack of Personal Boundaries

People who have a good understanding of who they are and prioritize their self-worth are able to build strong personal boundaries and respect for other people’s. On the other hand, people who’ve experienced trauma and mistreatment early in life, don’t have a good grasp on who they are – what their needs and values are. They may have trouble being assertive and making decisions. Their lack of personal boundaries means they have difficulty understanding other people’s boundaries. Therefore excessively calling or not allowing personal space is normal behavior for them.

Relationship Anxiety

Relationship anxiety is when a person experiences persistent doubt, fear, or worry in a relationship. Not able to relax and feel secure, they hold on too tight.

Effects of Clinginess on Relationships

Clinginess creates an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. It can overwhelm the person being “clung to” leading to conflict.

Strains the Relationship Dynamics

Clinginess can cause a massive strain on a relationship. The clingy person’s partner likely feels emotionally exhausted. They may be resentful for having to deal with the emotional demands of their partner. In more extreme situations, where the clingy person displays anger and jealousy, wanting to know your whereabouts at all times, the partner may feel controlled.

Creates Unhealthy Habits & Behaviors

There’s a big difference between having needs and being needy although finding that line can be tricky. We are all dependent on others to meet our needs, to some degree. Needs are healthy, while neediness is not. Neediness means you are relying on someone else to fulfill all of your needs. You are looking to them to make you happy instead of doing that on your own. Partners are not meant to fill emotional voids.

When this happens the relationship becomes one-sided, less of a partnership and more of a codependent relationship. The other person may end up sacrificing their own needs in an attempt to quiet their clingy partner’s worries and ensure that their needs are met. In time, that can lead to resentment, which can kill the connection that once was.

Decreases Quality Time Together

You’ve probably heard that “Distance makes the heart grow fonder”. Well, studies have shown this to be true. Therefore, spending every waking moment together is not the way to go. If you have time apart you can miss each other and you can make the time together count. Quality time is not the same as time together. Just because you’re together doesn’t mean you’re connecting in any way. Too much of anything and it’s no longer special.

What to Do If Your Partner is Clingy

Talk About It

Although a sensitive subject, nothing will change unless the topic of their clinginess is discussed. Remember that what you say is less important than how you say it. Avoid blaming your partner. Instead, describe how their clingy behaviors make you feel. Be clear and assertive about how their behavior affects you. This can be done in a supportive way, whether on your own or in couples therapy.

Establish Healthy Boundaries

With a clingy partner, maintaining boundaries on time and physical space is crucial. For example, you might talk about times throughout the day when it’s not appropriate to call. Or certain times when you require alone time or time to do x, y, or z. Add that this separate time allows your time together to be more meaningful.

Consider Therapy

Encourage your clingy boyfriend or girlfriend to meet with a therapist. Individual therapy can help them understand themselves better and discover what they want outside of their relationship. They can work on skills to make them more independent and build their self-esteem and sense of self. In addition, couples therapy is an effective way to help you understand where their clingy behavior comes from, how it can be managed, and how you can best support each other’s needs.

When this happens the relationship becomes one-sided, less of a partnership and more of a codependent relationship. The other person may end up sacrificing their own needs in an attempt to quiet their clingy partner’s worries and ensure that their needs are met. In time, that can lead to resentment, which can kill the connection that once was.

How to Overcome Clingy Behavior

If you’re the one exhibiting clingy behavior, remember that “clingy” is not who you are. It’s a result of your background, which you did not choose. Fortunately, with some simple changes clingy behavior can be curbed.

Acknowledge Your Behavior

First, you have to admit that your behavior is problematic. Addressing clinginess not only enhances personal growth but also strengthens the relationship.

Talk to Your Partner

It can be hurtful to find that your efforts to be closer to your partner are having the opposite effect – negatively impacting your partner. However, asking your partner questions and allowing them to explain how your clinginess makes them feel will give you valuable insight and help you make changes.

Find out what the line is for your partner, and what you can do differently. For example, you can ask them what their communication boundaries are and what they prefer when it comes to personal space.

Focus on Yourself

Engage in activities and interests separate from your partner. By focusing on personal growth and hobbies, you create a more balanced life. Discover the things that fulfill you so that you’re not depending too heavily on your partner.

Spend Time with Other People

Invest in relationships with friends and family. Maintaining social connections provides emotional support and a sense of belonging, which can reduce the pressure and dependency on your partner.

Work on Managing Your Anxiety

Clingy behavior is strongly linked to anxiety because the behavior is a result of insecurities. Therefore, working on your insecurities will reduce clingy behavior. Try to understand what triggers your anxiety. Make efforts to reduce your anxiety through mindfulness, meditation, breathing exercises, journaling, yoga, or therapy. Meet with a therapist who can help you develop skills to cope.

It is possible to care for your partner while also giving them space to breathe.