What is a Trauma Bond?

A trauma bond is a strong attachment to a person who causes them trauma through abuse or manipulation. A trauma bond is characterized by cycles of negative reinforcement interspersed with intermittent bursts of positive reinforcement. The attachment occurs because the person feels confused, scared, and dependent on the abuser.

In addition to the negative treatment one person receives, there are also times when they are treated well – moments of kindness and affection. This back-and-forth between good and bad attention makes it confusing and hard for the person being abused to leave the relationship despite it being harmful.

An extreme example of trauma-boding is Stockholm Syndrome when a person held captive develops feelings for their captor. A more common occurrence takes place within romantic relationships where there is a foundation of abuse.

It’s important to note that “trauma bonding” is sometimes used to refer to something different – when a trauma is shared with another person and they connect over that. Here, we are talking about trauma bonding that involves a level of abuse in the dynamic. In this article, we will refer to the partner who causes trauma as “the abuser”. The partner being abused will be known as “the victim”.

What are the Stages of a Trauma Bond?

There are thought to be seven stages in a trauma bond:

1. Love Bombing

Love bombing shows up as quick and overwhelming displays of affection that attempt to speed up the relationship at an unnatural pace. The person showers you with excessive amounts of love, flattery, and appreciation in order to hook you in.

2. Gaining Trust

In the second stage, they work hard to win your trust and make you depend heavily on them for love and validation.

3. Criticism

Next, they begin to criticize you gradually. They blame you for things and become demanding.

4. Manipulation

When something goes wrong, they tend to explain it as your fault. They make you doubt yourself. They may gaslight you, causing you to question your own reality.

5. Resignation

Here, you essentially “give in”, realizing that you can experience the positive things from stage 1 if you simply go along with the abusive behavior.

6. Loss of Identity

In this stage, you experience great distress in seeing that fighting back only makes matters worse. Therefore, you settle for the harmful behavior in order to have some sense of peace and stability. The fighting decreases, but you lose yourself and your confidence tanks.

7. Repetition

The abusive nature of trauma bonds is cyclical. After an abusive incident, an abuser goes back to stage one, only to start it all over again. You become addicted to the highs and lows.

Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

Recognizing the signs of trauma bonding may help you avoid this type of dynamic, or it could help you take the steps necessary to break free. Here are some of the signs of a trauma bond:

Constantly Justifying the Abuser’s Actions

You’re always making excuses for their harmful behavior. You might think, “They didn’t mean it,” or “They were having a bad day.” You may even bring up their background, like their childhood, as grounds for their behavior. This could even make you see them as a victim you sympathize with.

Even when you recognize obvious abuse, you might rationalize it or convince yourself that it’s your fault. You focus on the good moments even though they are few and far between.

There are Fluctuating Highs and Lows

While there are periods of disregard, neglect, disrespect, or abuse, there are also moments of connection, love, and affection. These highs and lows make it difficult to leave. It’s a constant back and forth of good and bad. Just when you think things are getting better, they treat you poorly again. Alternatively, when you start to get the nerve to leave them, they shower you with loving affection.

There’s a Lack of Boundaries

Your boundaries are lacking or nonexistent. You may have initially set boundaries but they’ve been consistently violated. Maybe the idea of setting boundaries or acknowledging the violations feels like it will cause more harm.

Feeling Emotionally Attached Despite Abuse

Even though you are being mistreated, you still feel a strong emotional attachment to your partner. You find it hard to imagine your life without them. You think that they are the only one who truly understands you, and you’d be lost without them.

You Feel As Though You’re “Walking on Eggshells”

You are hypervigilant, constantly worried about doing something that will upset them. The environment is one of tension and anxiety. You feel like you’re responsible for their mood, so you’re in a constant state of stress trying to manage it. There’s no sense of safety and security in the relationship.

You’re Scared to Leave

In addition to the fear of being without them, you feel physically scared of the consequences of trying to leave them. You worry about the consequences and how they would react, given their anger and control.

You Can’t Be Yourself

You’re unable to share your true feelings, opinions, or thoughts. You’re a “people pleaser” with them, and you tend to agree with them just to keep them happy.

Isolation from People, Especially Those Who Don’t Agree with your Relationship

An abuser will often try to isolate you from friends and family as a way to further gain dependence and control. By cutting you off, loved ones can’t intervene by voicing their opinions or concerns.

Sometimes, the victim detaches on their own. People with good intentions who are trying to help cause you to back away because, deep down, you know they are right. However, you feel loyalty to your abuser.

You Carry Self-Blame

You’re always thinking that your partner’s abuse or manipulation is your fault. You believe you are the reason why things aren’t going well in the relationship. This makes you feel as though you deserve to be treated poorly.

Signs and Symptoms of Trauma Bonding

A trauma bond can have serious and long-lasting psychological, emotional, and physical impacts. Some of these impacts include:

• Diminished Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
• Emotional and Psychological Trauma
• Chronic Anxiety and Stress
• Difficulty Trusting Others
• Depression and Emotional Numbness
• Isolation and Social Withdrawal
• Guilt and Shame
• Physical Health Consequences
• Feeling Trapped
• Loss of Identity

Are Some People at Greater Risk of Developing Trauma Bonds?

Some people may be at greater risk of developing trauma bonds. This is often due to a combination of personal, psychological, and situational factors. While anyone can find themselves in a trauma bond, people with specific vulnerabilities may be more susceptible. The following are factors that can increase the risk of developing a trauma bond:

• A family history of mental health problems
• Limited social support
• An insecure attachment style
• Poor or insufficient coping strategies
• A history of being bullied or harassed
• A prior history of trauma
• Substance abuse or addiction
• Low socioeconomic status
• Absentee or negligent parenting/caregiving
• Identity disturbances
• Narcissistic parenting or caregiving
• Existing mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and borderline personality disorder

Breaking Free and Overcoming the Effects of Trauma Bonding

Overcoming a trauma bond can be extremely difficult. But with the right support and strategies in place, it’s completely possible.

Acknowledge the Trauma Bond

The first step in overcoming a trauma bond is acknowledging its existence. This might involve accepting that the relationship is unhealthy, abusive, or manipulative, even if there are moments of affection or love. Understanding that you’re in a trauma bond, where love and abuse are intertwined, can help you to stop rationalizing or excusing the behavior. This acknowledgment is key for moving forward.

Gain Back Your Self-Esteem

Being in an abusive relationship can lead to lower self-esteem. Positive self-talk and recognizing when you’re being overly negative about yourself can help you to improve your own self-image. This may also give you the confidence you need to leave the situation.

Practice Self Care

Another reason you might stay in an abusive relationship is that they provide you with comfort, even with the absue. Prioritizing your physical and mental health can help you feel more empowered, confident, energized, and able to see a new perspective. Taking care of yourself can help reduce your dependency on them for support.

Try to engage in some of these proven self-care techniques:

Speak kindly to yourself, like you would a friend. Stand up to the bully in your head, peppering you with negative thoughts. You can do this by labeling it as “silly lies” and then replacing the thought with a positive one. Lift yourself with loving and empowering affirmations to remind yourself of your worth.

Move dynamically. Do 30 minutes of moderate exercise or 10,000 steps every day (or as many days as you can). Try 20 minutes of guided resistance exercises, like push ups, squats, or lunges.

Immerse yourself in nature. Spend 30 minutes in an uplifting natural environment. Wake up early and experience a sunrise. Go walking in the forest. Sit by the ocean.

Eat nutritiously. Eat real, unprocessed foods, and mostly plants. Do all of your eating and drinking (minus water) within a 12 hour window.

Seek Professional Help

Proper healing from a trauma bond requires a comprehensive approach. Mental health professionals can educate you on how traumatic bonds are formed and maintained and provide concrete goals that help you establish a safety plan, build self-reliance, establish firm boundaries, and increase your autonomy so that you can begin to heal.

Specifically, a therapist can help you:

• Recognize unhealthy patterns and help you process emotions.
• Build self-esteem and empower you to reclaim your sense of self-worth.
• Address any trauma, anxiety, depression, or PTSD symptoms that have resulted from the bond.
• Learn healthy coping mechanisms for stress, emotional regulation, and setting boundaries.

Allow Time to Heal

Healing from a trauma bond does not happen overnight. You can expect to feel conflicted or emotionally torn even after leaving the relationship. Be patient, as this will pass. Give yourself time to process the emotions and experiences associated with the relationship. Feel free to grieve the loss of what you thought the relationship could have been.

Grant yourself patience and take baby steps. The rebuilding of your life, identity, and emotional health will happen bit-by-bit.