You suspect your partner is cheating. Now what? Consider the evidence you have. What behavior makes you suspicious? Consider how you’ve been feeling lately. Is there something going on on your end that could make you think this way? If you don’t have any evidence, but a gut feeling, it can feel like you’re operating in the dark.

Trusting your intuition while balancing the need for concrete evidence is a delicate dance that requires patience and strategy.

What is the Biggest Predictor of Cheating?

It may seem like you need to find daming evidence to prove they’re cheating on you. While a message on their phone can clue you in, it’s not always what you find that makes you suspect things are awry.

Oftentimes, what’s missing can mean cheating. According to psychologist and author Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., the biggest giveaway of cheating isn’t what they do—it’s what they no longer do.

They’re Less Communicative.

They say less during your dinner conversations. Responses to your questions are brief. They don’t ask about your day the way they used to.

They’re Not Around as Much.

They used to come straight home after work. Now they’re constantly at the gym, or getting a drink with coworkers. Or work seems to be keeping them at the office longer and longer. Their weekend plans don’t include you as much.

They’re Less Interested in Physical Intimacy.

You’ve noticed their sex drive has decreased. Maybe they used to be the initiator, but no longer. When you do have sex they seem elsewhere or “not into it”. You hear “I’m too tired”, alot.

There’s Less Laughter

You’ve noticed the banter you once had is gone. You try to be flirty but they aren’t reciprocating. You miss the silly moments you used to share together.

While these are not necessarily signs of cheating, it does mean they are withdrawing. Withdrawal is a problem that should be looked into. Are they going through something? Are they unhappy in the relationship?

How Can I Find Out If My Partner is Cheating?

Sometimes it’s obvious. Like on TV, you walk in on your partner with someone else. But it’s not usually under your nose like that.

Signs That Your Partner May Be Cheating:

Changes in Appearance

Maybe you’ve noticed they’ve lost weight, changed their hair, or have become more attentive to their clothing. A newly founded interest in one’s appearance or a dramatic change can mean they’re trying to impress someone else.

They’re Being Secretive

When it comes to affairs of any kind, there’s often an element of secrecy. They may be leaving the house more often, giving you questionable reasons why they must go out or come home late. They may be more possessive about their phone and seem to be hiding screens from you. Perhaps they’ve changed passwords, or they’re usually technology late at night.

They’re Being Critical of You

They may be mean or overly critical. They may be more judgemental because they’re comparing the other person to you and seeing that person more favorably. They might also be judgmental or mean because they feel guilty. As a defensive posture, they flip the script to make you seem “bad”. This can help them justify their own behavior.

There’s a Change In Your Physical Relationship

They may be less affectionate towards you. You may notice a decline in the bedroom. Maybe they pull away or make excuses to avoid being intimate with you. Even if they’re not having a physical connection with someone else, it can still affect yours.

On the other hand, it is not uncommon for a marriage to experience more physical intimacy when one party is engaging in an affair. They may feel more confident. They could be more aroused, imagining sex with that other person.

They’re Distant or Distracted

They appear far away, unable or unwilling to give you attention. They seem less interested in what’s going on in your world. Similarly, they may be less willing to share what’s going on in their world. This could be because their mind is somewhere else, preoccupied with thoughts of someone else.

They’ve Changed Their Appearance

Maybe you’ve noticed they’ve lost weight, changed their hair, or have become more attentive to their clothing. A newly founded interest in one’s appearance or a dramatic change can mean they’re trying to impress someone else.

Something Feels “Off.”

Sometimes your gut truly knows best. It may just be a feeling you’re picking up, without anything tangible to point to. Some describe it as a “quiet shift”. This can be enough to cause you to look more closely.

In addition, other tells include:

• Less interest in sex with one’s partner.
• Using the phone or computer a lot more, usually late at night.
• They smell differently
• They’re home less often
• They avoid questions/give suspicious answers
• They’re vague about where they’ve been or what they’re doing with technology. (Alternatively, they could over-explain as a cover-up.

What To Do When You Suspect Your Partner is Cheating?

It’s hard to know what to do once you suspect cheating. You may want to deny the signs, and pretend everytig is fine. You may want to call them out immediately, and get them to confess. Or you may want to curl into a ball and cry. All are valid feelings. However, it’s best to think through your next steps.

Don’t Rush to Accuse

As soon as you suspect cheating, you may want to run to them shouting about the accusation. You may be eager to share your notions in hopes they will disprove them. As hard as it is not to know for sure, rushing to accuse isn’t a good idea. Instead, you’ll want to plan what you will say and what questions you’ll ask. Avoid confronting them when emotions are already high. Do something to feel calm first. When you’re ready to confront them, instead of presenting them with accusations, share your fears. For example, “I’m scared of losing you”.

Prepare

While directness is usually beneficial, in this situation, you may want to take a beat before confronting your partner. How you address your suspicions is key, especially if you don’t have substantial evidence to back up your claims. You’ll want to avoid confrontation without evidence. Take some time to reflect on what you seen and why that makes you think cheating. Gather what you have that would render them guilty. Prepare questions for them.

You’ll also want think about what you will do in response to what they say. What will you do if they admit cheating? What will you do if they deny it?

Get a Fresh Perspective

Talk to someone you trust about your suspicions. Sometimes an outside, unbiased perspective can be helpful in seeing your situation in a new light. On the other hand, it may confirm suspicions, and your trusted confidante may give you support and advice to move forward. You don’t have to say you think you’re partner is cheating, but rather you can describe the behavior that makes you suspicious and see what your trusted confidante has to say about it.

Don’t Rely on Your Gut Alone

It’s important to trust your gut. However, you’ll likely need more than a feeling if you’re going to accuse your partner of cheating. Your intuition may be the warning bell that motivates you to look for clues.

Take Care of Yourself

This is a stressful period. The potential affair is likely all you can think about. But now isn’t the time to neglect yourself. In fact, it will only make things worse. Do things that help you relax. Try to exercise and eat well.

Define Cheating

Most people would agree that sex with someone besides their partner is cheating, but there are gray areas when it comes to cheating. You’ll need to consider what is cheating for you personally. Physical infidentlity is not the only form of cheating. Emotional cheating is characterized by close, non-sexual emotional intimacy. “It’s essentially an affair of the heart”, as marriage therapist and author, Sheri Meyers puts it. While it doesn’t involve sex, emotional affairs can be devastating to the relationship.

What about online affairs? An online affair (also known as a virtual affair or cyber affair) is a type of infidelity that takes place completely online, through technology.

Enlist the Help of a Therapist

If you suspect your partner is cheating, you may want to seek professional support. Carrying the suspicion can be a significant burden with negative consequences for you. A therapist can help you process your emotions and comprehend your partner’s behavior. They’ll help you work through your feelings. A therapist can also guide you in addressing the situation with your partner if you decide confrontation is warranted.