Many of the frustrations couples face are only partially related to what’s happening now and are strongly connected to the environment in which they grew up.

Definition of Imago Therapy

Imago therapy, also known as Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT), is a form of couples therapy that focuses on transforming conflict into healing and growth. It combines behavioral and spiritual techniques with Western psychological methods to unveil each person’s unconscious parts. The goal is to bring partners closer by increasing empathy and understanding—largely by exploring each other’s childhood experiences.

History and Development of Imago Therapy

Imago relationship therapy was developed in the 1980s by Dr. Harville Hendrix and his wife Dr. Helen LaKelly. They drew on their personal experience with divorce. “Imago” is Latin for “image” and within the context of IRT, it refers specifically to an unconscious image of familiar love. The idea is that since early experiences with our caregivers are so impactful, we unconsciously seek out people in our adult life who are similar, thus fulfilling our imago.

According to the imago theory, when partners have conflict, experiences in early childhood may be the cause. For example, a person may feel their parents or caregivers did not listen to their feelings or problems when they were a child. So when their partner acts in a way that makes them feel unheard or uncared for they may evoke a strong emotional reaction.

Theoretical Framework of Imago Therapy

Imago therapy is built on the belief that the feelings you experience in childhood are likely to be present in your adult relationships. And when these feelings reemerge they are apt to affect you even more. For example, people frequently criticized as a child will likely be extremely sensitive to their partner’s criticism. If you felt abandoned or neglected by your parents or other caregivers, you might feel doubly hurt when conflict with your partner stirs up similar emotions.

Imago therapy sessions and workshops center around understanding how early childhood experiences affect how we operate in adult relationships. The idea is that the way we behave, communicate, and respond to our partners comes from what we experienced in our earliest relationships. Everyone’s formative years are different so our idealized version of love is unique as is the way we react to our partner.

Goals and Benefits of Imago Therapy

IRT aims to help you see the “why” behind unwanted behaviors that repeat during times of conflict. It works to improve the language couples use to communicate emotional needs during times of tension.

A 2021 study found that Imago therapy helped couples improve the quality of their relationship in the following areas:

• Relationship satisfaction
• Trust
• Commitment
• Repeated conflict
• Physical and emotional intimacy
• Relationship burnout

In addition, IRT may help with:

• Assisting each other in processing old trauma(s)
• Doing deep healing work as a couple
• Creating an overall deeper and more meaningful relationship

Improved Communication in Relationships

The Imago Dialogue is built upon the premise that while humans are designed to believe there is just one “reality” out there, the truth is, that each person has their own unique reality. With Imago, the belief is that each individual’s “reality” is just as valid as any other person’s. The Imago dialogue helps you foster a respectful way to communicate.

Imago Therapy Dialogue

In Imago Therapy there are 3 critical things you can do when your partner and you are not seeing eye to eye:

• Mirror – Meet your partner where they’re at with nonverbal communication. This means adopting similar body language and tone of voice. So if your partner’s voice is animated and their using hand gestures, it’s best to adapt your own tone, posture, etc. This helps them feel more connected and supported by you.
• Validate – Seeing your partner’s point of view and accepting it without judgment. Put yourself in their shoes to see and feel what they do. Tell them, “That makes sense”. This will help your partner feel understood.
• Empathize –Go beyond acknowledgment and get to a place where you can relate to your partner. Anticipate how something would make them feel. Say, “I can imagine that ___ would make you feel ___ way”. Ask questions about how they’re feeling. This will help your partner feel safe. They won’t feel like they need to be defensive.

Understanding the Impact of Childhood Experiences on Adult Relationships

According to Imago therapy, we are naturally drawn to a partner whose characteristics are similar to the traits of our parent or another caregiver. This is often referred to as our “Imago match”. These “matches” happen unconsciously because our early attachment is deeply engraved in our consciousness.

Even if your childhood relationships were not so positive you would still find comfort in that person (or people) because they are familiar. And that relationship was critical in forming who you are now. This is why we find ourselves unknowingly attracted to someone who resembles a caregiver’s characteristics. We want our partner to offer us a feeling of comfort.

Creating a Positive Environment for Healing Wounds from the Past

If your childhood experience was one in which your parents caused you pain, you may be stuck in a period of limbo. In other words, you’re not able to move past this because you have wounds that are still not healed. When you choose a partner who is your “Imago match” you are unconsciously looking to them to heal those same wounds. Although it was your primary caregiver who hurt you, your partner is able to help you finish the unfinished business in your childhood.

Clinical Significance of Imago Therapy

Currently, there is limited scientific research on the long-term success of Imago therapy. Despite that, there are still studies that seem promising. For example, one study published in the January 2017 issue of the Journal of Couple and Relationship Therapy, found that marital satisfaction increased significantly for couples who completed 12 sessions of Imago therapy and remained higher for some time.

Another study from 2016 suggests that 12 weeks of Imago therapy may help boost empathy, an important trait in all relationships.

Lastly, a 2011 study looked at African American couples who completed a workshop. After the Imago workshop participants had the following:

• A deeper understanding of personal childhood experiences
• A deeper understanding of their partner’s childhood experiences
• Better communication with their partner
• Improved self-awareness and authenticity

How Does Imago Work?

The Imago technique is focused on 5 core principles that play out over the course of therapy.

5 Core Principles of Imago Therapy:

• Reimagining your partner as a child who is wounded – Try to see your partner as an innocent child who has been hurt. Although they are now grown, they are still carrying some of that pain they once experienced. If you’re able to imagine them in this way, you will gain patience, understanding, and the overall ability to empathize with them.
• Re-romanticizing your relationship – Make time for things like giving gifts, special dates, increased physical affection, or other displays of appreciation for one another. Focus on the shows of love that your partner values most. For some, it could mean surprising them with something new and exciting or simply using your words (aloud, messages, or notes) to remind them how much you care.
• Restructuring frustrations or disappointments –If you’re feeling frustrated or disappointed in your relationship work to transform those into requests. Any complaints you have can be turned into actions that create change. So instead of expressing that you don’t like your partner’s behavior, it makes you angry, etc., give your partner tangible action items. For example, “Next time could you…”
• Resolving your anger – You can resolve feelings of anger by identifying where it’s coming from. Usually, it’s other unresolved emotions that lead to anger. Sadness, frustration, anxiety, vulnerability — these combined with external stressors can transform into anger towards your partner. Reduce stress through mindfulness, yoga, breathwork, or meditation.
• Re-visioning your relationship as a source of happiness and safety – A vision is a roadmap that helps you get where you want to go. It provides direction and focuses your energy and efforts on a goal. We all want to be happy and to feel safe. What does that look like for you in your relationship? Write it out or draw a picture.

Keys to Successful Implementation of Imago Relationship Therapy

Imago therapy is best suited for couples who are ready and willing to get vulnerable, as it requires close analysis of childhood wounds. Like all types of therapy success is dependent on your willingness to participate. This means trying new approaches that may feel uncomfortable at first. It means putting in effort both in and out of sessions. Your therapist may Before starting imago therapy, ask yourself if there are any parts of your childhood you wouldn’t want to discuss or that are painful. If there are areas in your childhood that you’ve buried, you will need to begin to process those. If you have wounds that have not yet been opened, start with individual therapy. Practice daily mindfulness—walking, taking deep breaths, meditating, journaling, etc., all of which can help center your mind and prepare you for therapy.