“I’ll be watching you” are lyrics from award winning song by The Police. Popular love songs include lyrics that equate love and obsession, describing “breathing” and “bleeding” for the object of their desire. But one-sided relationships and all-consuming thoughts about another person are not healthy. It’s also not love, but something else.

What is Limerence?

Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person. It is a cognitive, physical, and emotional experience. This experience of limerence can include obsessional thinking about the person, an irrationally positive evaluation of that person’s attributes, and a longing for reciprocation. Limerence can cause the person to feel euphoric, with their thoughts focused on this wonderful person. But it can also result in a state of agony if the feelings are not reciprocated.

The state of limerence consists of two people: the person who desires the other (the limerent) and the desired person (the limerence object or LO). It is not a relationship, since feelings are not reciprocated.

The term was first coined by experimental psychologist and professor Dorothy Tenov in the 1970s. She was conducting a series of interviews and found that some people’s experiences of love were particularly intense. She then concluded that it wasn’t love, but limerence. She found that this intense feeling of limerence can affect anybody regardless of gender, age, culture, background, or any other trait.

Symptoms of Limerence

An individual experiencing limerence may experience any of the following symptoms:

• Having intense, obsessive feelings for the limerence object
• Having persistent and intrusive thoughts about the LO
• Experiencing feelings of euphoria, ecstasy, and/or reassurance following a positive encounter with their LO
• Experiencing feelings of hopelessness or despair following a negative encounter or lack of encounter (ie. they don’t respond to a message)
• Maintaining an Intense fear of being rejected by the LO
• Repeatedly going over real and imagined interactions with their LO
• Maintaining an idealized perception of the other person (believing they are perfect)
• Withdrawal symptoms when they are away from their LO, such as:
  • Irritability
  • Depression, which may involve feelings of hopelessness, self-loathing, and guilt
  • Sleep disruption
  • Pain in the chest or abdomen
• Experiencing anxiety, which may involve physical symptoms such as a rapid heart rate, sweating, or shaking
• Need interaction with their LO to relieve anxiety
• Desiring to be physically and emotionally close to their LO
• Obsessively reading messages from their LO, or looking at photos of them on social media
• Constantly being reminded of the LO by places, people, objects, and situations

What Causes Limerence?

Limerence is still not a highly explored concept, but research suggests that it stems from a mixture of personality traits, biological predispositions, and attachment styles.

Mental Health Conditions

Researchers Willmott and Bentley note that there is a consistent correlation between limerence and those with anxiety, depression, and substance use. Limerence has also been tied to trauma. Early childhood abandonment or neglect may correlate to the likelihood of experiencing limerence, and it has been associated with post-traumatic stress disorder as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Attachment Issues

A 2015 study stated that limerence may have an association with attachment disorders, which are behavioral conditions that cause a person to experience difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

Biological

Some psychologists believe that we’re all born with an innate drive towards limerence. We can see evidence for this when we look at teenagers. Teens often experience relationships that are distinctive of limerence. For example, they may exhibit obsessional infatuation with extreme mood swings depending on the behavior of the other person. They may also experience rejection or the end of a relationship as extremely heart-shattering and act as if their world has ended.

While some people remember this kind of unhealthy love from their teens and/or adult years, others have never experienced limerence. This may be because a particular gene becomes active only under certain environmental conditions (like their relationship with their early caregiver), which then gives rise to a tendency for limerence.

What is Love?

The American Psychological Association (APA) defines love as a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object, pleasurable sensations in their presence, devotion to their well-being, and sensitivity to their reactions to oneself.

With love, there are mutual feelings, especially when it comes to trust.

Some of the characteristics of a loving relationship are:

• A stable and enduring emotional bond
• Accepting both the strengths and weaknesses of the other person
• Independence and autonomy within the relationship
• Long-term commitment and growth

Commonalities between Limerence and Love

Limerence and love can start off the same way – with a rush of dopamine. Both love and limerence need attraction. But then the similarities end.

Differences between Limerence and Love

Limerence is a far cry from love. The person experiencing limerence does not really care about the well-being of the other person. Their obsession has more to do with the uncertainty of the situation, like wondering if the other person feels the same way. People experiencing limerence are transfixed by the power they have to shape the fantasy in their minds. They may have no desire to be in a long-term relationship with the object of their obsession. Limerence is also different from sexual desire. An individual experiencing limerence does not necessarily want to have sex with the object of their desire.

Duration of Feeling

Love is more often seen as a long-term emotion that develops and deepens with time. And it is strong enough to survive challenges and changes.

On the other hand, limerence tends to be more temporary. The feelings are intense without healthy development. This can result in a quick burnout. Limerence typically lasts from a few weeks to a few years, (although it can be longer). The feeling often fades as the individual gains clarity about the relationship and the rosy picture of the LO fades too.

Reciprocity

Love usually involves mutual feelings of affection and commitment between both people. Limerence is one-sided. Sometimes the limerent object does not even know the other person exists.

Fear of Rejection

The experience of limerence can quickly shift from euphoria to despair. Those experiencing limerence tend to judge based on signs of interest from the limerent object. So if they don’t receive the validation they need, they can spiral down to pain and sorrow. In contrast, love promotes self-acceptance. In a loving relationship, both people feel secure.

Stages of Limerence Development

The three phases of limerence can each last a few weeks or even years.

Infatuation

The first stage of limerence, infatuation, is most akin to falling in love. This is the getting-to-know-you stage. We are flooded with feel-good chemicals that positively skew the way we see the person. The influence is so strong that red flags are overlooked. Feelings are more casual, not yet obsessive and controlling.

Crystallization

In the next phase, the individual experiences the obsessive, anxious, and ecstatic intensity of their feelings. Attraction builds and extreme compulsive thoughts about how they feel about you take over. You fear rejection and seek their affection at all costs.

Deterioration

Once the euphoric feelings wear off, the person starts to evaluate the consequences of their obsession. It may have cost them their marriage, job, etc. The end usually comes with extreme disappointment, as well as frustration with oneself after discovering they are not what you wanted in the end.

How Long Does Limerence Last?

Limerence can last for as little as a few weeks to as long as a lifetime (although not with the same person). There are three common endings to limerence: consummation, starvation, and transference.

Consummation

Here, the person in a limerent state discovers the object of their desire desires them too and engages in a physical or romantic relationship. This breaks the spell they’ve been under, and the limerent person can move on with their life.

Starvation

With starvation, the limerent person never gets reciprocity from their LO. Once hope is gone, the feeling dissipates, this may be quick or lessen over a long period. The individual likely experiences great sadness. Although sometimes they may be relieved that it’s over.

Transference

Transference is the worst of the “endings” because the state of limerence doesn’t actually end. Instead, the LO simply changes from one person to another. Thus, the cycle of intense, unhealthy emotion repeats.

How to Overcome Limerence

Practice Self-Awareness and Acceptance

Try to be more mindful of your triggers – the things that bring on your negative thoughts or behaviors. Analyze them. Ask yourself why x results in y. Try to act as an outsider in order to gain a new perspective. Operating as a third person can help you be more kind and less judgemental to yourself.

Focus on Yourself

Limerence is connected to a lack of self-worth. Instead of focusing all of your time and energy on another person, focus on yourself and your self-growth. Feeling empty causes a person to have a strong desire for someone to fill that internal void. When we fail to see our value, we hope that another person will remove the loneliness and sadness we feel. However, we can instead turn inward to feel fulfilled. Treat yourself with more love and kindness. Talk to yourself the way you would a friend. Practice positive self-affirmations and loving kindness meditations. Write down the thing you like about yourself.

Work on Attachment Issues

Limerence and insecure attachment are closely tied. Find out what your attachment style is and work on developing a secure attachment.

Seek Support

Limerence can be a big burden, interfering with your life in many ways. It can interrupt your work and your relationships, among other things. Meet with a therapist to help you manage your feelings, discover their origins, and learn healthy ways to cope.